Years ago my friend sent me a children’s book by an author friend, Monica Estill, called The Bossy Boulder. The story is of a boulder trying to be in charge, who gets knocked off his high place on top of a mountain by time and change. He laughs at the discovery he’s only a stone, that he’s not supposed to be in charge of everything.
Eventually, they knock him down until he’s a tiny grain of sand at the bottom of a river. He gets washed up on the shore, dried out, then swept by the wind back on top of the mountain. One day, when a baby cloud asks what he is, he replies in unison with all the other grains of sand, “I am a mountain!”
Her story illustrates how much we need to be knocked off pedestals, so we can find contentment and peace with ourselves and each other. When we knock others off of their imaginary high place, we see that they’re only a grain of sand on a vast beach on our massive planet. That’s all we are, tiny pixels in a much bigger picture.
The book reminds me of how we view ourselves and others through a distorted lens. The boulder initially saw himself as more significant than others, much like I’ve been viewing others as flawless. When he fell from his mountain, he got a reality check.
The halo effect is an example of misperception of someone, leading us to believe they’re better than they actually are. If we only see the good parts, we may fail to notice what’s not working. Dysfunction in relationships can stem from this belief the other person can do no wrong. I’ve done this many times before. But isn’t it nice to see the best in people? Only if you’re willing to see the whole picture. And most of us have a little of both angel and devil.
Can the halo effect be bad?
This effect distorts the way you may see a person or a product, thinking that the person or item is better and more amazing than reality dictates. We are more inclined to gloss over an attractive person’s negative attributes, such as selfishness, and judge them more positively than merited. — Psychology Today
I used to idealize my love interests and friends, experiencing the halo effect more often than not. The halo effect influences our perception of people, often when we find them physically attractive or admire them for certain qualities. I’ve had a crush on my friend since we’ve met, and I probably applied a halo on top of her cute head from day one.
And oh, how I wanted to keep it there. But it faded after a while, when I got to know her better and I could perceive her as no better and no worse than anyone else. And just because I think she’s sexy, cute, smart, and spiritually evolved, doesn’t mean she doesn’t have problems and challenges like the rest of us.
I’ve done it for years, until one day I started to see my friends, would-be lovers, and family members as inherently, beautifully flawed. They make mistakes like everyone else, and they fucked up with me at times because of their unresolved issues. When I finally perceived them as mere humans, it rocked my world.
I finally saw where I’d gone astray in all of my other intimate relationships. I’d expected them to be my everything, and I think a part of me believed they were better than me. It’s impossible for anyone to live up to such high expectations. We can’t build and maintain a healthy relationship when one of us thinks the other’s shit don’t stink — especially when we eventually smell it.
When I stopped placing ordinary humans above me, I became gentler with myself. There are moments when I feel at one with everyone and everything, in synch and blissed out. I can kick ass and be proud of myself, look amazing, and show the best side of me. But most days, I ride the same roller coaster as everyone else. I can be on a spiritual high one moment and snapping at my kids the next.
Seeing the best in people is one of my better qualities, and I have great intentions. But I needed to remember that we all have our issues. Some of those are deal breakers in a relationship, which is also ok. I had to accept that not everyone was a match for me. And just because they sold me the perfect line, doesn’t mean it’s true. I stopped believing lies and got honest with myself.
It’s taken some time, but I’ve learned to gently yet firmly knock people off their imaginary pedestals. No human belongs up there, no matter how amazing they may be. The human experience lends itself to a dense, complicated processes that requires us to get into the deep, dark thick of it.
We think we need to have our shit together, but no one is immune to making mistakes. We’re all perfectly flawed humans, living a wild, messy life, with peaks and valleys.
When we accept a person as they are, we reveal our authentic selves. When we stop hiding behind a mask, we’re more attractive. When we allow space for people to make mistakes without judgement (spoken or silent), they can feel safe to unmask and show themselves to us.
Now that I stopped putting halos on people (although some have angelic qualities), my friendships are healthier. We’re more comfortable with each other. I’m not trying too hard to impress them with my own version of perfectionism. My friends and family are amazing humans and I love all that they are, and accept all that they aren’t.
As one might expect, forming long-term relationships diffuses the halo effect. This allows a person new and varied information to create a deeper, nuanced, and more accurate portrait of the person. — Psychology Today
My friend (the one I’m secretly crushing on) just let herself be vulnerable the other day and I was able to hold a space. She knew she could trust me because I showed her I love her during peaks as well as valleys. I love her when she’s a boulder and when she’s a grain of sand.
Maybe one day I’ll tell her all of my feelings for her. But for now, I’m grateful for the friendship we’ve been nurturing. We’re blooming in all the right places. She looked good with a halo at first, but now I can see her shining without one all the more. I think we’re much better that way.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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