My friend Emily* has a three year old full of spunky determination and a talent for laughing at the greatest absurdities usually folding me into their joy and discussing the greatest revelations a young mind can conjure.
I loved that age and I love watching Emily with her son…
It reminds me of all of the parenting hats I wore when Munchkin Pie (MP) was little…
The Fun Hat was awesome and well, fun… we would play pretend, spend hours upon hours making fairies out of play-doh, dance around the house and play chase the mommy. I had no problem listening and following my three year olds instruction because this was MP’s time to be in charge. Play was her domain and I was the guest into that world.
The I’m In Charge Hat wasn’t bad either…it brought structure when it was bedtime, eating, needing to brush our teeth, putting away toys, not scribbling on walls, and so forth and we both enjoyed this hat because toddlers thrive on structure. Oh, they love to be naughty and push boundaries but they also love to know within what parameters those boundaries are defined when they are pushed.
Then there was the Consoling and Nurturing hat… I smile and feel that gentle surge of butterflies full of emotion for those moments I felt most needed. When scrapes and bumps both bodily and emotional happen and our babies most want us to hold them near, kissing tears away, and letting them know how magical and special they were and that their ouchies will go away with a band-aid and a good joke.
Lastly there was the Teaching Hat which definitely made me feel smarter! It didn’t matter that it was the abc’s, about looking both way when crossing the street or never talking to strangers, maybe mixing colors to make new ones or teaching them about friendship and sharing. We were teaching and feeling like experts in our kid friendly fields… how could we not feel smarter!
But if, like me, you no longer have a joyful, happy, toddler who is learning how to write their name and that putting shoes on the wrong feet may be funny but is not comfy for very long you too may be struggling with the aptitude required for wearing those hats into the teen years.
Maybe you too have unknowingly turned those hats into the Friend Hat, the Controlling Hat and the Preaching (rather than the teaching) Hat!
Have you been there? You give in and give in until “that’s it” “no more”… you need to turn that off now… I’ve asked you sooo many times…put your phone away… no more minutes… do your dishes… the list is endless and-
Oops, there goes that Controlling Hat~
Why?
Because you’d been wearing that Friend Hat far too long and guess what?
Your inner turmoil has run amuck
Your insides know your child is not your friend… and finally they say no more but instead of having balance you go in the other direction!
I hate when that happens… and if that happens to you then you may have asked yourself the same question I bump into over and over
Why have I given up the hats of MP’s youth in the first place?
Because I hadn’t adjusted… it’s harder teaching a teen than a child (sometimes the homework even stumps me and that doesn’t feel so smart!), it’s harder letting go and letting a teen lead because the ramifications of their choices and actions are more magnified and the consequences are more serious…it’s harder consoling our kids as they get older (hugs and kisses- no way!) as we need to learn a whole new language which we don’t yet understand… and it’s harder to teach in part because so often unless we counteract our more natural instinct as parents it does come off as preachy and we need to adjust (yet that icky pride sometimes just gets in our way when the eyes roll and “the look” goes… my biggest hurdle!)
Yet Teens and Tweens need all those same Hats from their youth…
They need the Fun Hat
The I’m In Charge Hat
The Consoling and Nurturing Hat
The Teaching Hat
So how do we adjust to make those hats age appropriate?
1. We have to work at it
We do so well, we plug along read so many books, really have that toddler parenting down for the most part and then, everything gets discombobulated and topsy turvy for our babies have turned into teenagers.
Parenting little kids might be easier but if we sit down and adjust our hats we can make the teenage years less of a struggle
Our kids may no longer dance around and make up stories leading us through their adventures but they can now plan the real life adventures of day trips, hikes, beach days or just an opportunity to call us over to sit down and tell us whatever their hearts desire without our phones attached to our sides or without us saying a word for the next ten, twenty, or thirty minutes. Just like when they are little and we follow their lead in their imaginary play we learn to follow their lead in real life experiences even when those experiences may not be how we imagined or how we would do things.
And we are still in charge… but mostly at this age we need to be great at following our own boundaries and knowing when and which consequences to implement so that our kids don’t just shut down, roll their eyes, and drown out our voices with their thoughts. And we are still teachers… but I’ve learned that means I need to be strong enough to learn that there may be some things MP can learn from me and some things I need to get help from someone else for but that the greatest amount of teaching I am doing has to do with the way I act, interact, and lead by example… so when I get irritated at someone or a situation (or at her) I can’t tell you how many times I have stopped and said…
I shouldn’t have reacted that way. That was inappropriate. I am sorry for the tone I used. I should have handled that differently. I am tired and sometimes when I am tired I don’t use the best judgement in my word choice…
And the Consoling Nurturing Hat that they are too cool for! Are they too cool? I have stopped myself so many times from saying ughh- you wouldn’t be sick if you’d worn a jacket (if that doesn’t sound at all familiar you are ions ahead of me in this parenting thing) instead of I am sorry you aren’t feeling well, why don’t you sit down and I will make you some tea. I have also offered a hug only to be rejected and have learned to still say I love you and I hope you feel better and then later get that hug at a more favorable time.
2. We need to dig into our “toolbox”
My toolbox consists of literature I have read, classes I have taken, and the people who have been in my life teaching me what I want and don’t want to be as a parent but the two things I tell MP that I try and do as well…
Firstly…. before you speak count to three and make a conscious decision with your words
Secondly…hold on for the ride and stop controlling the outcomes for life will give you twists and turns
So I hope we all just remember to count to three before sharing our thoughts and feelings and knowing sometimes it’s best to say nothing at all and when the hormones kick in and our kids are going through the ups and downs… in the words of the Big Thunder Mountain Railroad Cowboy…
Just hold on to them hats and glasses my friends for this here is the wildest ride in the wilderness!
- names changed for privacy
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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