In a recent article of mine, 10 Surprising Divorce Statistics in 2023, there was much speculation around one of the findings.
1. Couples who live together before marriage are more likely to divorce.
It sounds counter-intuitive, but time and time again, the statistics show that couples who cohabitate before marriage have a higher divorce rate than those who do not.
In fact, 57% of couples who did not live together prior to marriage had a marriage that lasted 20 or more years — while the same can be said for only 46% of couples who did cohabitate beforehand.
“Correlation does not equal causation.”
Just because two numbers seem to move up and down in the same direction does not mean that they cause each other.
For example, let’s say consumer research findings state that every time shoppers buy balloons, they also buy milk. Does this mean that buying balloons causes people to buy milk?
Arguably, no.
Perhaps people buy milk every week, and once in a while also buy balloons. Maybe the one time a year they are celebrating someone’s birthday, they throw balloons on their weekly shopping list for essentials.
Regardless, there is not necessarily a causal relationship between these unrelated items being purchased at the same time.
Some would argue that the same can be said about cohabitation and divorce.
Just because people live together before marriage doesn’t mean that this causes them to get divorced.
Wouldn’t a couple who has gotten to know each other’s living habits be better equipped to know if they want to get married in the first place? Wouldn’t they have more experience compromising, making decisions together as a couple, and weathering the storms of life together?
If this was the case though, there wouldn’t be data that suggests the opposite.
This could be a case of correlation. Or maybe there are other factors at play.
Why might divorce rates be higher for cohabitating couples?
Correlation — Conservative or Religious Values
It’s no secret that some couples choose not to cohabitate for religious reasons.
In certain religious traditions — such as Catholicism, Islam, and Judaism — it is considered taboo (or even sinful) for an unmarried man and woman to live together.
In these circles, couples are advised against cohabitating prior to marriage because certain experiences are said to belong within the covenant of marriage — sex being the biggest one of them. (The assumption is that if you live with a partner, you are also sleeping with them.)
In these religious traditions, it may also be taboo (or sinful) to get divorced. When a marital union is not only practical but also spiritual, there is an additional layer of commitment present. Furthermore, if the two people involved agree on their faith tradition, they are more likely to have a lasting marriage.
However, this would be a case for correlation. If fewer religious couples cohabitate before marriage, and fewer religious couples get divorced, then religion is the common denominator — not the choice inliving arrangements.
Causation — Commitment Mentality
Who do you think will have better luck in their relationship lasting over time:
1. Couples who move in together with the mentality that they will work it out no matter what (i.e. married couples)
or
2. Couples who move in with the assumption that if it doesn’t make them happy, they can always just leave (i.e. dating couples)
Couples who cohabitate before making a real commitment often have a one-foot-in mentality, where living together is a “test” to see how much they really like each other.
I’ve heard many of my friends say that they’d live with someone before marrying them because they want to be absolutely sure that they have compatible lifestyles and don’t get on each other’s nerves too much.
I’ve also known couples who’ve happily dated for years only to break up after a month or two of cohabitating.
Because guess what?
You are going to get on each other’s nerves. You are going to be annoyed by whomever you live with — doesn’t matter if it’s your parents, your roommates, or your partner. If lack of annoyance and enjoying each other 24/7 is your barometer for wanting to spend your life with a person, you’ve got it all wrong.
To be fair, I could see a world where couples move in not to “test” each other out, but because they genuinely want to live their lives together and are committed to one another, fully.
If that’s the case, why not make it official and tie the knot?
…
Final thoughts
Regardless of the reasons presented here, there is likely a combination of correlation and causation that contributes to this particular divorce statistic.
Are there couples who do move in prior to marriage and have a wonderful marriage that lasts a lifetime?
Of course.
Are there couples who wait until marriage to move in, and still get divorced?
Of course.
There is no foolproof way to guarantee success in relationships or marriages.
But if you are curious about the correlation (or causation) between cohabitating and divorce, these factors might be worth considering.
…
Enjoyed this article? Subscribe to be on my email list whenever I publish new content!
As always, thank you for reading.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
From The Good Men Project on Medium
What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean? | My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence |
***
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—–
Photo credit: Toa Heftiba on Unsplash