Florida’s new law will abolish what is called permanent alimony, as well as adjust current alimony payments. This includes no alimony if a couple is married for less than three years, and codifies the “right to retire” for those that pay. This basically means that once a person retires, they can petition the court to change the alimony payments. There’s a whole host of other changes in the law as well.
And although this law is new in Florida, it’s been an ongoing campaign for years in other states. Advocates that wish to do away with or alter alimony payments claim that it is unfair, puts an undue burden on men, and allows sleazy ex-wives to continue their lifestyles. It’s the wives own fault that they decided to take on most of the care of the children and house, and if they quit their job to become a stay-at-home parent, well then, that’s their own fault.
My favorite quote: “to be financially dependent on someone else (like a husband), you take a risk.”
I love that we are putting caring for children into a capitalist model. Ok, let’s play that game. And mind you, this is coming from a man, so naturally, my opinion matters more than “greedy” women.
In Capitalist Terms
All sarcasm aside, in case you couldn’t tell, let’s break it down in terms that anyone can understand.
Care isn’t free, you jack hole. I mean, come on, does anyone really think so? Has anyone taken a look at the astronomical cost of daycare, house cleaners, cooks, therapists, chauffeurs, etc, etc, etc.
When one partner stays home, or assumes the majority of childcare, this is what you’re actually paying for. Room and board doesn’t even begin to cover the cost of all this.
Now, the argument against this is that you’re not paying for childcare. That’s why you have a stay-at-home mom (or dad!). They should be grateful of the gift you have given them!
A friendly reminder that I’m not allowed to cuss in my articles here. But I want to say Eat a ….and then something that rhymes with brick.
No, being the primary caregiver is not a gift anyone has given me. It’s a gift that I have given to my spouse. They are able to work late nights, miss all doctor’s appointments, and go on last-minute trips. They are given the gift of continuing their careers uninterrupted BECAUSE I take care of everything else.
I mean, seriously, how is this not known? Ask any single father how difficult it can be to do it all. Those guys get no where near the credit they need to get.
So yes, care work is paid work, just not immediately. To make it feel better, you have taken out a loan to pay for childcare and everything else mentioned above. This is a nice little loan with no interest payments and the caveat that you may never have to pay it back. If you stay married, great, no alimony for you, and the loan is forgiven.
However, if one day one of the parties decides to call in that loan, it’s due on terms that are fair to both parties. And that means, as the primary stay-at-home parent of my family, I expect alimony.
Yup, as a man, I expect alimony. Every at-home dad that I’ve talked with about divorce expects alimony. We understand what we have given up.
I quit my career on the deal (not promise), that I would be taken care of if something happened. That was the condition. And when I quit that career, I sacrificed my future earning ability. Whatever raises, promotions, and career growth that could have been expected are now gone.
I have very literally started over, and I could not have done that without my wife’s support. She’s amazing. But if she wasn’t, and I know many spouses that aren’t, that still doesn’t make the care work free. It’s a loan my dudes and it’s time to pay up.
You can’t have it both ways.
Let’s continue with more honesty. Society does not expect or demand that men stay home with kids. Even after 15 years of being an at-home dad, I still get gruff for it. There is very little support for caregivers like me, very little acceptance, and very little encouragement. I don’t care, I do what I do because it’s best for my family.
And in turn, society fully expects moms to be the primary caregivers. They penalize women who have kids and choose to work. Society pressures women (as seen during Covid) to give up their careers so that they can take care of the family.
Every day, women have less and less agency over their own choices. Rather through direct or indirect pressure, this a fact that no one can deny. In Amanda Montei’s upcoming book Touched Out she wonders if becoming a stay-at-home parent is enjoyable if you actually choose that role. That should tell you all you need to know. Women get a raw deal, and so do men who are denied that choice for the same reasons.
Yes, being an at-home parent is enjoyable when you choose it for yourself. But that choice comes with conditions, a contract if you will. I will trade you my career, earning ability, and free time and in exchange, you take care of me financially.
That means if I give 15 years of my life to care for the family, I get a minimum of 15 years of alimony, compensation for the lost career, and retirement funds. It’s non-negotiable. That is the deal that you strike the minute your spouse becomes a primary caregiver.
OR
Yup, there is a secret way to get out of this. Become the primary caregiver yourself. Do all the visits, run around, and take days off when the child is sick. Make it truly a 50/50 split. Realize that your spouse’s career is just as important as yours and don’t get pissy when she expects you to do your share of the heavy lifting. That’s the other way out of permanent alimony. But it rarely works out that way.
I’m in a unique position where I can see both sides. I have been both the primary breadwinner in the past as well as the primary caregiver. I can tell you without hesitation that caregiving is work, and it’s work that you pay for one way or another. It really is that simple.
The push to get rid of alimony isn’t about equality. It isn’t about poor unfortunate men who have to work to continue to support someone to who they are not married to.
It’s another level to control women and spouses to force people to stay in marriages. It once again is another attempt to take away a person’s ability to choose and have agency over their own life. It really is that simple, despite what organizations that hide behind such monikers such as Florida Family Fairness tell you. It’s not about fairness. It’s not about families.
Abolishing alimony is about power, money, and control because things like this always are.
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
I’ve never found arguing against the insanity of Florida to be particularly elucidating, as it’s pretty easy to pick apart the arguments of madmen. I agree with all of the points made in this article. They also miss a crucial point, in my opinion. I’ve heard no sane person argue that alimony is either always justified in its current form or is never justified, as if some kind of monolith. You write, “if one day one of the parties decides to call in the loan, it’s due on terms that are fair to both parties.” And there is the rub.… Read more »