—
I want to talk about young men today.
In Psychology Today, Professor Philip Zimbardo commented on the state of affairs for young men. He does not have a positive prognosis so far, especially without remedial changes for them, and by them for that matter.
Zimbardo opens the articles with the statement and question, “As our kids and grandkids head back to school for a new semester, we are thinking about more than their grade point average. We are thinking about their safety, their development, and what’s going to happen when they graduate. Are the kids really going to be all right?”
The emphasis is on the concern of the older generations, “parents and grandparents,” regarding their young. In turn, this implies the nation’s young. Though this happens globally, such as some issues for young men, this becomes any nation’s youth.
The boys are not alright, but girls seem to be doing more swimmingly in more ways than the boys who become young men and the girls who become young women.
Zimbardo continued, “Whether we’ll admit it or not, young men as a group are getting left behind amid the shifting economic, social, and technological landscape. Everyone knows a young man who is struggling, either in school or afterward; “failing to launch,” with emotional disturbances, in interactions with the opposite sex, or with drug use and gang activities.”
This produces a problem for the sex dynamics on campuses, for the professional achievement of the young men, and the family formation of the couples. In the United States, where this failure to launch seems more prevalent, the Congressional Office reports one in six men is incarcerated or not working.
It is an increase of 45% since 1980. The mass shootings, perpetrated mostly by men, and suicides have increased drastically as well.
“There is an empathy gap in society when it comes to having compassion for the challenges boys and young men face, the issues that underlie the statistics above,” Zimbardo laments, “Nobody sees investing in boys’ development as “worth it” and as a result boys today are growing up and deciding that it is not worth it for them to invest their time and energy back into their communities.”
What happens as a result in the various cultures? Most prominent phenomena acquire a name with an implied judgment. Many names abound including bamboccioni, diaosi, hikikomori, MGTOW, NEETS, and numerous others.
“The shift into alternative realities disconnects young men further. Asking what’s wrong with them or why aren’t they motivated the same way young men used to be aren’t the right questions. Society is not giving the support, guidance, means, or places for young men to be motivated or interested in aspiring to long-term real-life goals,” Zimbardo stated.
Nikita Coulombe and Zimbardo published variations of a book on this topic. In some of their research, they conducted a survey of about 20,000 people. They wanted to know about the motivational problems for the young men around us.
The top answer for men is a conflict of messages. The institutions in their lives. Their media, parents, and peers. They give a set of images and rules. A set of things they should not do. Some in derogatory and demeaning tones. Does this help them?
For one, the conflicting messages set young men – 18-to-35-year-olds – on a path in life with a double bind, in more precise language: damned if they don’t and damned if they do. Young men left without guidance or conflicts in guidance.
Often, it seems targeted, even for good intentions, with a derogation, a tone of derision. Few people react well to this. Masculinity manifests itself in many forms. As Dr. Leonard Sax notes in another commentary, the attempt to create androgynous men and women failed or seems to be a failure.
The gender differences seem to have, in part and in some areas, exaggerated in not-so-healthy ways. With it, the rise of what has been termed “toxic masculinity” or “hypermasculinity” by feminists and social progressives.
Zimbardo perceives this as viewing masculinity as in and of itself a disease. It leaves questions about a role model or role models more generally for young men and boys. Who models hypo-masculinity or salutary masculinity – so to speak? By which I mean, less jocularly, the sense of a healthy, positive, proactive, and assertive sense of a masculine sense of self for boys to want to grow into and young men and men to become.
“Just one out of five (link is external) elementary and middle school teachers is male, and fatherlessness in America remains above 40 percent (link is external),” Zimbardo explains, “Among boys who do have fathers, the amount of time they spend in one-on-one conversation with their dads is only a fraction of the time they spend in front of a TV or on a computer, where they see men represented as emotionless warriors, hapless dads, or losers who can’t get anything right.”
A decline in the role models combines with only the unhealthy – or toxic masculinity or hypermasculinity if you must – masculinity represented. In gangs, in schools, in peers, in media, in video games, the main roles represented are the unhealthy forms of the masculine self.
Boys want to become gangstas, playas, sexual conquistadors, dominating and domineering dads, unemotional robotic achievement-only men, and buff and powerful mentors respected for any of the aforementioned.
What about becoming fathers? What about achievement in school and in being a compassionate person? What about being a slow and steady, tender and passionate lover who embodies romantic ideals, where sex does not become another commodity?
What about love for one another – the Golden Rule rather than, say, the Bronze Rule of all for myself and nothing for anyone else – in spite of the mean, the cruel, the greedy, the stupid, the bigoted, the irascible, the cowardly, the rude, and others in daily life deserving of similar low regard, as a high value?
Zimbardo said, “In other words, many boys are going from male-absent home environments to male-absent school environments back to male-absent home environments where they then watch toxic male role models on a screen; this begs the question: what kind of future are they supposed to envision for themselves?”
What is this future? Approximately 15 years are between kindergarten and university. That spells trouble into 2033, potentially. Any remedial changes will take time, potentially 15 years. If starting in 2018, then the changes will need 15 years to see the changes in the unhealthy patterns.
Unfortunately, I see little done. At the same time, I predict a continuation of the problems, or an exacerbation for more precision, for at least another decade. “In our book, Man Interrupted (link is external),” Zimbardo plugged, “we explore what’s happening with young men and where they are headed by examining the individual, situational and systemic factors that are contributing to these trends. The concluding chapters offer a set of solutions that can be affected by different segments of society including schools, parents and young men themselves.”
His, Zimbardo’s and I assume Coulombe’s, take-home message comes to guidance and compassion for young men in our lives. Young adulthood remains hellish; to add the burden of demonization by the systems around you, including the stated before of media, peers, parents, and the schools, can be worse than hellish.
Zimbardo reflects, touchingly, on personal experience and opines, “Growing up in poverty, I saw the difference a mentor could make. If we alienate our sons we’re going to lose a whole generation, to say nothing of the ripple effects that impact us all.”
—
If you believe in the work we are doing here at The Good Men Project, please join like-minded individuals in The Good Men Project Premium Community.◊♦◊
◊♦◊
Get the best stories from The Good Men Project delivered straight to your inbox, here.
◊♦◊
◊♦◊
Sign up for our Writing Prompts email to receive writing inspiration in your inbox twice per week.
♦◊♦
We have pioneered the largest worldwide conversation about what it means to be a good man in the 21st century. Your support of our work is inspiring and invaluable.
The Good Men Project is an Amazon.com affiliate. If you shop via THIS LINK, we will get a small commission and you will be supporting our Mission while still getting the quality products you would have purchased, anyway! Thank you for your continued support!
—
Photo credit: Getty Images