A reader recently reached out to me for advice. He was divorced and trying to date again after the dissolution of a 14 year marriage. He’d been told by two women he’d started getting to know that he “clearly wasn’t ready yet.” In talking to him, I could see and hear how devastated he was by his wife leaving and how scared he was of being left again. He was texting these women constantly when he was dating them.
He didn’t have a clear understanding of why his wife changed her mind and left and he was intent on not letting that happen again. He made a commitment to being super attentive so that the relationship would succeed.
What started with good intentions was perceived as obsessive.
Not even a week later, I received an email from a woman asking me how she could tell if a man really loved her. They’d been together for nine months but she found herself asking him all the time how he felt or what he was thinking. She was always looking for reassurance and that she could tell the man she was with was growing tired of the questioning.
She, too, was afraid of being left. She feared that she loved him more than he loved her and that he wasn’t as into their relationship as she was.
If You Obsess About Them Leaving, They’ll Run
Fears of abandonment typically happen for one of two reasons: either the person struggling has had a trying and tumultuous relationship with a parent or parent figure or they have been deeply hurt by the ending of a previous relationship.
Some people experience these challenges and develop a fear of getting close to others. They fear the moment when they get “too close” and the other person walks away, changes their mind, or simply decides that they are too difficult to deal with.
Rather than facing the fears and anxieties about this head on, people who struggle with abandonment try to prevent an ending by controlling the relationship:
- They’ll ask their partner repeatedly how they are feeling about the relationship or about them.
- They’ll scan the relationship and their partner’s behavior for changes in consistency, truth-telling, or mood changes.
- They’ll focus incessantly on being perfect, on always saying and doing the right things.
- They’ll avoid talking about small conflicts fearing that big fights will result
- They’ll minimize their own needs and feelings, fearing that the other person will lose interest.
- They’ll call or check in incessantly.
Overcoming a fear of abandonment is about rescuing yourself.
As long as you are waiting for someone else to fulfill you, you are setting yourself up for a world of hurt.
Managing abandonment issues is about taking the time for personal development. You have to take some time to really look at where your fears and impulsive behaviors are stemming from. What is the root of this fear? When did you start becoming afraid? Where is the open wound that hasn’t been healed? What will it take to heal it?
Are you willing to let that wound heal?
Are you willing to be vulnerable to hurt? You can’t decide to fall in love again until you are also willing to be hurt. So many people try to do relationships and avoid the hurt part. That’s how and why everything gets messed up.
We hurt each other in relationships. Not intentionally and not always maliciously but when we do life with someone 24/7, we’re bound to muck it up. It comes with the territory. Until you are willing to take the chance on being hurt again, you have to be careful about being in a relationship.
Work on healing that wound.
You might need a coach, consultant, or therapist. You might need the personal development or self-help section of a bookstore. You might need the listening ear of a good friend or family member.
Whatever you need to work this out, go and do that.
If you’re just casually dating, you’ll have the luxury of just stopping for a while until you get your crap together.
If you’re in something serious, you’re going to have to include your partner in this. You’re going to have to communicate what the heck has been going on for you because from the outside looking in, your behavior has probably felt confusing and maybe, attacking.
Talk to you partner:
Hey, I know I have been a beast to be around lately. I know I have been______, _______, and _______. You must be feeling_______ and thinking______.
I’m sorry about that. I have been kind of freaked out, honestly. I got it into my head that you might leave, that you’ll change your mind about me, or that you’re not as into this as I am and I just got scared.
I got afraid that you’d leave and I tried to stop you by:_____.
I know that isn’t right. I think it’s because______ and I get that none of that is your fault. It puts you in an impossible position and leaves you feeling responsible for me when I should be responsible for myself. I don’t have all of the answers yet but I wanted to reassure you that I am working on this.
You are important to me. This relationship is important to me. I’m working on it.
____
Start looking for the good.
Your anxiety is telling you to look at every warning sign, any indication of a change or a shift. You’re looking at all the wrong things. If you look for problems, you’ll surely find them.
Start looking for and cataloguing the good. When has your partner been consistent? When did they say what they mean and mean what they said? When did they do what they said they were going to do, when they said they were going to do it?
How, in words and in actions, have they shown you their love and concern for you?
They may not be willing to show up.
If you’re walking through this exercise, and coming up empty, it might be your gut talking to you, and not your fear of abandonment. Sometimes, there really is just something in your gut telling you something isn’t right. Only you will know the difference between your gut warning you and an anxious feeling of abandonment but do the work to be honest with yourself to find out.
What are your needs in relationships?
If you do this work on you and get to know yourself, you will start to learn that there are certain non-negotiable needs you have in relationships. There are just some things you will need in a relationship in order to feel taken care of, seen, and safe.
It’s on you to put those out there and share them with your partner. It’s then on your partner to agree that those are things he/she can do. If they aren’t, no matter how much you want the relationship to work, it isn’t going to.
Once you know and agree to each other’s needs, your focus will be about taking care of each other and the relationship. Then, when that ugly fear rears its head, you’ll be able to test the fear against the data: the things your partner has actually said or done to contribute to your relationship in a healthy way and over time, the pesky, fearful, mistrusting voice will quiet itself.
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