What defines attraction? How can I make them like me?
These questions are ones that we’ve probably asked ourselves occasionally in our lifetime. Usually the question surfaces in the case of a crush. You’re down bad for them, falling faster than you can control, and you wish with all of your heart that they liked you. So do they? How would you know?
Or maybe you’re lonely and looking for a romantic spark. When everything feels hopeless, you wonder if you’ll ever have a chance again to experience those butterflies in your stomach, that soaring feeling in your chest when you see that special person. But when will that possibly happen? Who could it possibly be?
If you’re like me, you turned to Google to answer these questions for you. Maybe you even completed one of those stupid Am I in love with him? or Does she like me? tests on Cosmopolitan. (Yes, I know they’re junk and inaccurate and romance is subjective, but they’re fun, aren’t they?)
But I assure you, Google won’t be able to give you the answer to what is one of the most complicated and baffling questions of all time. Love, romance, and attraction will always be somewhat of a mystery, and the answer is more than skin deep. Instead, it’s good to turn to science — particularly psychology — to gather what we already know and try to break down the elements of attraction.
And according to psychology, the five elements of interpersonal attraction are proximity, similarity, physical attractiveness, reciprocity, and responsiveness. Could these factors help you step into your next romantic endeavor?
Well, let’s walk through them.
1. Proximity: How close are they to you?
The element of proximity in attraction means that people are more likely to be attracted to someone who is in close proximity to them. But don’t worry — this doesn’t mean that your crush needs to live next door to you in order to like you, or that the girl with the cubicle next to your crush will get to him before you do. Because, sure, sometimes proximity is physical — for instance, a New Yorker on Tinder would be more likely to be attracted to another New Yorker that they see on Tinder rather than someone who lives in Los Angeles. However, proximity more commonly refers to social proximity, specifically within communities, schools, and workplaces. For example, if you are a college student, you’re more likely to be attracted to someone who goes to your school rather than someone who does not. If you spend 8 hours a day working in an office, you’re more likely to be attracted to someone at work than someone you stumble upon in the grocery store.
Consider how you came to know your crush. How did you meet? How often do you see each other, and in what setting? As a general rule, greater proximity is usually a good sign. And if you’re single and looking for love, think about the places you tend to frequent. Who are the people you see most often? What do you usually do? Could this consistency lead to your next relationship?
2. Similarity: How similar are they to you?
The element of similarity means exactly what you’d think — it means that people are more likely to be attracted to people who have similar traits to them. This information may conflict with attraction theories you might’ve heard previously with the hypothesis that opposites attract — there is more evidence in psychology to suggest the contrary! For example, people who are introverted are more likely to be attracted to other introverts, Democrats are more likely to be attracted to other Democrats, etc. But you and your crush don’t have to be twins to be compatible. Similarity just means that the similar traits you do have can count as bonus points towards your attraction for each other.
Think of how you and your crush have bonded in the past. Do you bond over your favorite foods?
Your go-to playlist? Have you two built an understanding for each other by discussing something even more intimate, like childhood trauma? It may sound silly, but trust me, these things matter. Each of these experiences has the potential to bring you closer together, and that’s good news for you.
3. Physical Attractiveness: How physically attracted are you to each other?
The element of physical attractiveness is also pretty self-explanatory. It means that people are more likely to be emotionally or romantically attracted to people that they also find physically attractive. Each person has their own idea of physical attractiveness, though, so each case and preference of “physical attractiveness” will look different.
I won’t ask you to define your version of attractive, because it can vary, too. The whole idea that people have a “type” that they tend to date consistently across their lifetime is a little misleading. Not everyone has a type, and not everyone has a definition or a set of criteria for how they want a significant other to look or act. Just trust yourself, your body, and your heart. Do you find them appealing? Are their traits attractive to you? If the answer is yes, that’s all you need.
4. Reciprocity: Is the attraction mutual?
The element of reciprocity is the idea that people are more likely to be attracted to people who are also attracted to them. If you know someone who likes you or expresses their feelings for you, you might feel more inclined to like them back (many of us have experienced a situation like this before!). Knowing someone has feelings for you can serve as fuel for attraction.
This can also go both ways. With the element of reciprocity, your own crush could be fuel for your relationship, because they may be receptive to your attraction to them and decide to reciprocate! (Sometimes, it really is that easy.)
Please note, though, that this does not happen in every case, or even nearly every case. The reciprocity element of attraction is most prominent in safe, close relationships. No one should feel pressured or guilted into liking someone because of reciprocity, especially if they are being objectified by the other party.
5. Responsiveness: How do you react or respond to the attraction?
The final element of attraction is slightly more complicated, and looks different in every context. Responsiveness defines how responsive a person is to the attraction that someone feels for them, and how they choose to exhibit their own attraction. Do you and your crush flirt a lot? Did they say yes to a date with you after finding out that you liked them? Do you two prioritize time together in order to get to know each other better? All of these are positive signals that both parties are being responsive to the attraction being felt. Theoretically, the more responsive you are, the more fuel that is for the relationship, and the more chances you are giving yourselves to establish a bond.
So why do the four elements of attraction work?
The four elements of attraction were formulated based on the reward theory, another psychological concept which states that people naturally have a preference for situations that require minimal effort, but still produce great benefits.
Being in close proximity to someone means it doesn’t take as much work or concerted effort to see them or coordinate ways to spend time with them.
Being similar to someone means that there are already a great number of things that can fuel your relationship and help you facilitate a meaningful bond.
Finding someone physically attractive means that they are pleasing to you; not much work will go into that.
Having someone in your world who already likes you (or likes you back after you liked them) means that there is less work to be done to spark your relationship.
And being responsive to your attraction for one another provides balance and doesn’t demand a disproportionate amount of work for either party.
Basically, when it all comes down to it, the reward theory — and subsequently, the five elements of attraction — is about weighing the benefits vs. the work. It is human nature to seek out experiences that can provide us with what we need without the demand for us to have a strong role in working to construct a relationship from scratch, in the absence of these ideas.
…
Takeaways
How do the five elements of attraction fit into your life? You decide! Do any of these resonate with you, or do they sound too scientific and superficial? Each person is different. The elements of attraction only speak to the organic patterns produced by the history of human nature, but psychology is not always one-size-fits-all. It’s up to you: could you consider these ideas in your romantic/sexual/dating life, or do you prefer to construct your own experiences outside of these factors?
And remember, before you listen to any psychology or scientific advice, listen to your heart. Trust the signals that your body and your mind are giving you. Sometimes, as much as we try to pick it apart, love doesn’t have an agenda. At the end of the day, every relationship has its own story. Trust the process!
…
SOURCE:
Revel Psychology: From Inquiry to Understanding, 4th Edition textbook (published 2017)
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project
Compliments Men Want to Hear More Often | Relationships Aren’t Easy, But They’re Worth It | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | ..A Man’s Kiss Tells You Everything |
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—
Photo credit: Unsplash