‘I still remember the names of two girls my father identified as pretty in a fifth-grade class picture.’
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If you’re trying to be a good dad (and you’re reading this site, so I think you are), you know that your children are sponges. We soak up everything we hear you say, everything we see you do, and many of the things you thought we didn’t notice.
I still remember the names of two girls my father identified as “pretty” in a fifth-grade class picture. My dad taught me a lot of things: how to find the North Star, how to make a perfect grilled cheese sandwich, how to drive in a New England winter. He taught me to value the diversity of opinion and honesty of expression, to choose good, smart people to be in my life, to believe that I can do and be anything I want. But from the comment on the class picture 13 years ago? From that, I learned beauty matters.
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Although boys must also navigate the tricky waters of body image and beauty, I will stick to daughters for two reasons. First, I can’t apply any particular expertise to the father-son relationship (being a daughter and all), and second, the consequences for girls when health and beauty get distorted tend to be much more severe (10 times as many women battle eating disorders than men).
No matter how old your daughter is she is receiving messages from every angle that tell her that her primary path to success is being beautiful. Be it Bratz dolls, princess paraphernalia, Miley Cyrus, Gossip Girl, E! Red Carpet specials, Miss America pageants, Sarah Palin, or Lindsay Vonn in Sports Illustrated, women are judged and rated based on their looks. Our intellectual, athletic, artistic, or social successes are inevitably predicated on and qualified by our appearance. Even CBS correspondent Lara Logan, a victim of an assault while covering the situation in Egypt, is discussed as a “Warzone ‘It Girl’ ” and a “gutsy stunner”—rather than simply “reporter.”
So how is a good dad to avoid adding to the barrage of corrupting messages your daughter receives every day? Start close to home. Think about what she hears from adult women around her. Do her mother, older sisters, or aunts discuss looking fat in front of her? Do they pinch themselves, complain about how they look, or crash diet? Does her grandmother tell her that she needs to watch her figure? Girls’ and women’s bodies are unfortunately considered open to “constructive criticism” from strangers and loved ones alike. I was 11 the first time a saleslady volunteered that I was blessed and cursed with a “bubble butt.”
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But it’s not just women that your daughter hears. It may be her mother that she emulates (or other adult women in her life), but it’s her father’s compliments that she’s looking for. Last week, GMP columnist Hugo Schwyzer wrote about how simple compliments like “you look pretty!” reinforce a pattern that teaches girls to seek aesthetic approval:
Five-year-olds in princess costumes are cute. But the problem is that the compliments we give as fathers, uncles, and coaches have an impact on the self-esteem of little girls. As they grow up, they realize quickly (certainly by age 8 or 9) that Cinderella costumes won’t cut it anymore.
When the cute costumes don’t work, girls look around to see what women do to get recognition. And what do they find? Fake breasts, tiny clothes, sexy poses. The phoniness of these Barbie-filled images might actually be easier to combat than the more insidious forms of beauty worship. You can talk to your daughter about airbrushing and the difference between magazine pictures and real life. But imagine you’re sitting on the couch watching Wimbledon and your daughter hears you say that Anna Kournikova looks good. Maybe you mean she looks strong, or her serve is on today, or she’s quick off the line, but what your daughter hears is that the tall blonde woman in the mini-skirt “looks good.” If what you meant was that she’s a great tennis player, then say that. If what you meant was that she’s hot, well, save it for your buddies.
The conflation of beauty with other positive qualities, or the lack of it with negative ones, is where the real confusion begins. Make sure the women that you admire out loud, be they politicians, movie stars, musicians, or athletes, are being admired for what they do, not how they look.
The flipside is true as well: Hillary Clinton’s “frumpy” haircut has zero to do with her diplomatic skills, so leave it out of the conversation. This is how you teach your daughter that judging by the cover may be part of our society, and something she will encounter on a daily basis, but it isn’t part of your family’s values.
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My dad will read this article and he will wonder if his comment scarred me (it didn’t) or if I’ve been hanging onto it for years (I haven’t). The truth is, that comment is easily and readily dwarfed by the tens of thousands of positive, confidence-boosting conversations we’ve had. In thinking about how dads talk to their daughters, his comment stands out only because it was such an anomaly. I was at a friend’s house once when she emerged from her room in a new dress and her father, from the couch, shrugged and said, “At least you don’t look fat.” I was blown away, but my friend barely blinked; this was par for course in her home.
That sort of active negativity is easy enough to avoid. What’s more challenging, as parents, is to train yourself away from commenting on beauty at all, even in what may feel like the most positive and innocuous of ways. The world will tell her every day that for women, beauty is the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, and it’s your job to counter that by offering better metrics of success.
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Good article. I’m experiencing many of these issues as well..
A fine read with some great thoughts. Thanks so much for writing this. I grew up constantly being told that I was not only not attractive, but my father was quite clear on the specifics of what I should DO to BE attractive. I needed to grow out my short hair and put on a dress, and stop having opinions. I still carry the weight of that, but now it is mostly due to the fact that I never see my father and my hair is still short. Oh. And about those opinions…
How about telling your daughter she is beautiful, but not referring simply to her “looks” or what she is wearing? My dad often told me, “You look nice today!” but I knew it wasn’t ONLY my outward appearance he was talking about. It was mostly his love for me, evidenced by his desire to spend time with me, that gave me a lot of self-confidence… but him telling me that I looked beautiful really meant a lot too. I don’t think dads should stop talking about beauty PERIOD, they just need to remember to compliment the beauty within.
I agree with this article to a certain extent but feel like the absence of any compliments to looks or intelligence hurt the child also. Neither of my parents ever told me I was pretty, not once. Beginning at age 6 I thought I was ugly and told myself so everyday while looking in a mirror. Would every kid who wasn’t complimented do what I did? Maybe not, but by being given SOME self-worth in the form of a compliment could have stopped my belief. I see pictures of myself at age 6 and I was a pretty child. I… Read more »
I never got the message I was pretty either. Ever. And my father wasn’t absive to but he completely ignored me while seeking lots of bonding with my brother. (The irony is that I was and am much more mechanical and outdoorsy than my bookworm bro, but he never noticed) Then, as it happened, I turned into a pretty teenager with giant breasts pretty much overnite. Suddenly I had lots of male attention, of a kind I was completely unprepared for and didn’t want. And teaching me that my value to men was only based on my sexuality, a huge… Read more »
Toward the end of this article, the writer says parents should train themselves away from talking about beauty at all. I don’t think that’s necessary. As a child my mom used to tell me veeeery often that I was the most beautiful girl in the world. I don’t know where she got the idea from, but I believe it surely helped to beef up my self-esteem. So much so that even though I actually might not be the most beautiful girl in the world, later on in life, when people had negative comments or the world forced its idea of… Read more »
Two daughters (now in their 40s) and 4 granddaughters (all under age 6) later (and not mentioning 2 sons) – What happened for the daughters was that Feminism then in full stride got through the haze of messages, reinforced on a daily basis to varying degrees gently at home and conditioning at public school. One of them rejected commonly held standards of beauty, and the other embraced those. The former is attempting to raise her daughter accordingly, e.g. at birth “Dad, do not send anything pink!” – which color of course her child instantly demanded along with frills and ribbons… Read more »
What I can say is,I lost the beauty wars in my house and on one Christmas eve was forced to go find the lastest Barbie doll for our daughter.Which brings me to my point.I think far too much power and responsibility for changing this problem is placed on men. At some point the power of beauty seduces some women.This article fails to address the benefits of beauty in society.I mean young girls see the Kardashians,the Paris Hilton’s, the Beyonce’s,the Angelina Jolie’s and figure dad doesn’t know what he’s talking about.When women begin to understand the role they play-wanting easy power… Read more »
Yes most women appreciate being told they are attractive (as do men!), I feel like you are selling young women realllyyyyy short. My teen and her friends could care less about the standard crap role models (chortle) of celebrity worship – they don’t buy fashion magazines, shop as entertainment, and they don’t define themselves by their looks, even though they are by common standards, attractive.. And sure, some girls and women are on the power trip of being sexy and getting male attention, but if they received more positive feedback for other aspects of themselves there would be less of… Read more »
Katie Makai with some amazing poetry on “pretty”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M6wJl37N9C0
Amanda, big credit to you for wanting to also raise your son to appreciate girls and women as people and desiring to teach him that while realizing that naturally he will be attracted to some of them as well. I don’t think that men have to object women to be attracted to them. But often in our culture, objectification seems to be the only way a lot of men know how to communicate attraction. I think this is an important issue to teach to both genders as well. Little boys need to be taught the same message about female beauty… Read more »
@Erin: I’d like to stress that it is not only about looks. Yesterday I watched the movie “Whale Rider” with my daughters, which is about a Maori girl named Paikea Apirana, struggling against tradition to find her way – and her voice. At one point she managed to fix and start an outboard motor, and her grandfather ran up to her, shouting at her “Stop that! Never do that Again! This is dangerous!” I asked my daughters if he would have reacted the same way if she had been a boy. Sophie, 8, laughed and said “No way. He would… Read more »
Thanks for adding that Stefan, it was realy interesting. Even at 8, little girls pick up on some much.
I envy the relationship the author of this article had and has with her father. I’m thirty years old and a part of my brain is still mystified and amazed whenever a female friend talks about her wonderful father. My father was a constant, negative and abusive force in my life. I was a tomboy and he’d wanted a fragile, precious, beautiful thing to show off to his friends. He talked about me like I wasn’t a woman, called me names and tore me down every day. He left BDSM porn with pages stuck together open on the living room… Read more »
@Kiiki L: I really empathize with your story. It sounds like your childhood was hell instead of the generally protected and caring place it should be. There probably are no perfect parents out there – and there never were – but as you describe it your father missed the target by a couple of lightyears. Probably everyone has negative experiences with their parents, but in your case there apparently only were negative experience. It is pretty common that father’s are a bit distanced or simply worn out from work and not as open and engaging as they should be, but… Read more »
I’m a sexual abuse survivor. There’s always a place for healing. Always. It’s a lot of work, but it’s worth it. A friend of mine was raped by her father over 200 times between the ages of 9-18 when she left home. It room a good amount of time, but she is now happily married and running a successful business. It happens. Don’t accept that you will be unhappy the rest of your life. Get up, fight. You have what it takes.
http://www.superbetter.com
I grew up in family similar to yours. My dad was the same and my mom just denies it all and protects him. I sometimes envy that father/daughter relationship some people have. Now I’m emotionally disabled and come off as cold. I can’t keep relationships together because I don’t let anyone in. A while back I started seeing a psychiatrist and for the first time I acknowledge that I was molested when I was very young by a relative. When I told my parents about it my mom said it was my fault for playing with boys and my dad… Read more »
This author is pretty. Pretty smart!
The answer is simple and all of this complicated stuff is so much hot air. The answer is: LOVE AND CHERISH YOUR CHILD’S MOTHER WITH ALL OF YOUR HEART AND ALL OF YOUR SOUL. This includes considering your wife, your child’s mother, to be the most beautiful woman in the world and the only woman in the world who is your muse and attraction. Simply put, love your wife, love the mother of your child. All else continues from there, and have lots of fun with your daughter, because daughters are so delightful!!!
Here here!
One addition: once again I realised that men alone certainly are not the problem. It’s women who bring in the Barbie’s and Dollhouses. Little perfect plastic girls transmitting a whole set of mind bending ideas: that everything is about looks and hairstyle. That fashion is an important aspect of life, that everything circles in an orbit around a “beautiful girl”, and, last but not least, that IT IS OKAY AND NORMAL THAT GIRLS ARE TOYS. My daughters just got a giant dollhouse from their aunt – the thing is more than twice the height of our 2 1/2 year old.… Read more »
Appreciation for this ifmnoration is over 9000-thank you!
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Or dollhouses can be a wonderful outlet for creative play for both boys and girls. I certainly have fond memories of making up elaborate stories about my dolls’ adventures — and they certainly got to leave the house. The type of dollhouse and dolls may make a difference too, of course.
I think disdaining all traditional “girls’ toys” also sends a dangerous message, doesn’t it? I’d like both my boys and girls to enjoys Legos and dollhouses alike, things I think of as essentially gender-neutral and creative-play based.
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Talk to your daughter about beauty…. and then go back to watching porn??? Something here, just doesn’t sound right.
touche. lets tell our own daughters that looks aren’t all importnant and then do and say everything to the contrary. apparently girls will take someone’s word as truth despite all the OTHER things that they hear and see to form logical conclusions to. Men should be honest to their daughters and tell them that “The first and only thingt that matter to men are looks. that they are the same way and that mom wouldn’t have been mom if he hadn’t found her hot enough to bother getting to know her well enough to want to marry and have children… Read more »
I think the point is that society, culture and kids their own age will teach them that ‘the only thing that matters to men are looks’. Fathers have the opportunity to teach their girls that they can be respected and loved for who they are as well. The role of a father in establishing this element of self esteem is crucial, and when not evident the effects are poisonous.
My father was emotionally unavailable and a big social drinker. He never held my hand, hugged, kissed, praised, read, or taught me anything except that he didn’t “like” me. I had two long term abusive relationships which began the night of my Jr. Prom with the jerk my friend told me to take. I went on to have three sons in the second relationship whom I raised without the father. I have been in a relationship now for the last 8 years and we’ve had two daughters. Whole different ball game. My s/o is wonderful but doesn’t “get it” that… Read more »
Tell young women the truth about beauty: It’s not all that matters (what’s inside is essential, of course), but it matters a great deal. It affects the opportunities you will get in love and business and life, so it’s wise to do the best with what you have (within reason – weird surgeries are ill-advised). And of course, again, who you are matters enormously. But, let’s be honest about the truth about beauty mattering for women. Whether it “should” matter won’t change the fact that it does. Women can either accept that beauty matters and make an effort with their… Read more »
@Amy Friedman Alkon: I do not really agree. Although it certainly is true that looks CAN be an advantage, there will be hardly any professional personnel manager worth his money who falls for the surface alone. And if it comes to private life, friends, partners: who wants friends or life partners who only are there because of our outside appearance? And that counts for men and women alike. And regarding success – it really depends on the definition of success. The type of success presented in the media is highly selective – even from the realms of musicians, artists, scientists,… Read more »
Oh man, I wish this was true. I don’t think half the time men realise they’re doing it, psuccessful personnel manager or no.
I love to see the picture of me and little Liv together with this article as I can sign every word of it with my name. The “princess culture” is a severe problem for girls and I keep trying to protect them from that influence. Unfortunately culture is such that wherever little girls go they experience being rewarded for being “sweet” and not so much for being “smart”. But, being a scientist, I really value their smartness and the motions of their hearts and minds endlessly more than their looks. It is also a matter of shallow vs. deep. But… Read more »
I have a little boy and I think that this article is just as applicable in the sense that it’s very important to me how my husband and I talk about women around him. I want him to grow up respecting women for their skills, abilities and other personal traits. Of course he’ll be attracted to ladies and notice their physical ‘assets’ but it’s very important to me that he appreciate them as people, coworkers, role models and the like. I hope that through our parenting and our relationship my husband and I are able to lead by example!
Brainwashed by what society believes is the correct definition of beauty, many young girls have difficulties recognizing beauty that doesn’t involve physical appearance. My mom has always told me “Pretty is as pretty does”, and although difficult to understand at such a young age, I have never forgotten her perspective of beauty. As a teenager, I am surrounded by obstacles every day that focus around insignificant topics associated around beauty. Society has made it nearly impossible for young women to consider themselves beautiful based on their personality and self-being, although this is how the word “beauty” was initially intended to… Read more »
Interesting! rethorical and well written language thought do not leave room to express that there is God almighty who protect and guide us, believer for the right path. For some of you this sound funny or ridiculous but the true is that at the end we always look for God.
Much debate here, but I want to return to the point of the article on how dad’s talk to their daughters. I still remember when I first started wearing make-up, my father told me make up was nice, occasionally, but it should be used to enhance natural beauty not to cover things up. To this day that has influenced how I use it. His phrasing made it clear that i was beautiful without it, and that while beauty was nice, it wasn’t overly important. Growing up I don’t remember my father commenting on other women’s attractiveness – my mom was… Read more »
I can not say how moving and true this article is. We begin to form our self perception from our foundational relationships and the father daughter one is paramount. When your father see you as his princess and honors you, as a young woman you are more apt to carry that sort of pride and sense of entitlement (not in a negative) in terms of respect from men. If there are any fathers who need more information on this subject check us out at http://mybodymyimage.com Great work, love the idea of this site– Fathers a so important and all children… Read more »
Has anyone considered the *remote* possibility that there’s nothing wrong with a father telling his daughter that she’s beautiful? It can be done yanno…in a completely paternal, non-pervy, legitimate way that is BENEFICFIAL to her self esteem and outlook on men and relationships.
Why are we automatically making this a bad thing? Do we snap to the decision that a mother telling her teenage son he is handsome indicates that she’s some kind of pedo-cougar? No! Of course not! Why do we do it to fathers of daughters?
Read the article again. Its not just about that. No one is saying you can’t tell your kid (male or female) they are beautiful. Just don’t let that be all you tell them… and don’t be crass or sexually objectify the gender of your child in front of your child.
Sure, it’s not “just about that”…but it IS about that, at least in part. The fact that the author specifically references Hugo’s previous article where he states that all men have a “strong reaction” to seeing 6 year old girls dressed up is just a minor factoid, right? The over-riding implication is that a father saying his daughter is pretty either implicates he’s a sexual deviant and/or that doing so will screw up his daughter’s self image for life. It’s the height of ridiculousness. I agree that PARENTS should try and be conscious about what they say to their children,… Read more »
Again, I think you need to read it again–the article is about not JUST valuing and rewarding beauty, or not JUST talking about beauty when you could talk about other important traits.
Again, I ask, did you read it? Especially the last paragraph? Because you are the only one getting that impression.
Loved your article. I don’t think there is any feminist blaming going on here. It’s important that young girls are reinforced by both the men AND the women in their lives. I know my dad was one of the driving forces shaping my self confidence growing up. He was constantly reminding me how smart I was and how proud of me he was. The only woman whose looks my dad ever commented on was my mom. Fathers play an important role in developing how girls see themselves, thank you for bringing this important topic to attention.