Forgiveness Is Not Forgetting — Or Reconciling

The subject of forgiveness is touchy.

I remember having a conversation with my mother (before her throes of dementia kicked into high gear) about forgiveness and the need for it.

She made it clear that she would never forgive people, because that would mean she would, in some way, absolve them of the wrongs they did to her. It would let them get away with the things, and she wasn’t willing to forget what happened to her.

That’s understandable. It’s reasonable.

I also believe it’s the wrong way to look at things.

We need to see what forgiveness is not.

Let me state first that forgiveness is never about the other person. It is wholly something for ourselves, and in some ways can almost be considered a selfish action.

Sometimes we need to be selfish in order to heal ourselves or keep our sanity intact.

In a way, it might be easier to figure out what forgiveness is not before deciding what it is.

Some people think forgiving someone is absolving them of their responsibilities or culpabilities in what they did. That’s not it. That is a separate action, an animal unto itself.

It doesn’t absolve the guilty.

Absolution of actions takes the responsibility of the guilty party away. It’s telling them, “Hey, you did wrong. But it’s okay. You never have to pay the price for it.”

Accountability is, importantly, different from forgiveness. Just because you forgive someone their actions, that does not mean they don’t have to be held responsible.

It also does not mean you forget the wrongs or hurts they caused. Again, that is a separate thing entirely.

Unfortunately, most people do not understand the difference, and I think that causes a substantial amount of harm.

Forgiveness does not mean justice cannot be served. Those two actions are not at odds with one another. If nothing else, it can help the situation because you’re no longer seeing through the hurt and rage. Instead, you’re seeing the situation with clearer eyes and can more appropriately take the actions necessary to receive absolution or compensation.

It’s not excusing what the other person did. Wrong is, no matter what else goes on, still wrong. It’s always going to be whether the person receives forgiveness.

With all those things in mind, what is forgiveness?

I think it is better defined as an action you take to relieve yourself of a burden.

Resentment is, unfortunately, not a healthy state of mind to be in. It’s okay to feel it, there’s nothing particularly wrong with it, because sometimes the dark emotions are a necessary part of healing from grief.

Forgiveness is, at its core, something you do to relieve yourself of the spiritual burden you are carrying because of the other person.

When someone does us harm, we get angry. We resent them, and lash out at not only them, but ourselves, as well. We berate ourselves subconsciously for allowing ourselves to be hurt.

I’ve told myself hurtful things.

“I should have been more careful. I should have known better. I should have seen this coming. This was going to happen and I knew it.”

Oh, how many times those words have circled around in my brain after they have hurt me…

I’ve been through so many cycles of abuse in my life, I don’t know how I survived to be fifty years old. Between a whiskey-drunk father, ex-wives and girlfriends who took everything out on my brain and body, and even being stabbed on my honeymoon to one of them, I’ve been through the wringer.

It’s hard to say “I forgive you” after that kind of trauma. It’s hard to give forgiveness to someone who sexually abused me.

But I’ve tried to find a way to do it, because at the end of my days here on this dust bowl, I want to say I carry nothing more with me than I need to the other side.

I’ve seen how people hold on to those burdens until the end, allowing the things that happened to them to rule over them for years.

So, what have I done to start that process?

It’s never been about them.

First, I realized it’s not about them. It’s about me.

You don’t even have to say to the person you forgive them. It’s not their business, really, and in most cases like mine, they wouldn’t give a crap anyhow. They’d be happy to know I was still suffering from what they did to me after all these years.

No, it’s all done inside. It doesn’t have to be anywhere else but right in your own core.

You’re not being the “bigger person” with it either. Because it’s such an internal mechanism, it’s almost selfish in some ways. You are doing it for your own sake and mental health, not theirs. They don’t even have to know you’re doing it.

There is no need for reconciliation with the other person. You’re not looking to foster a relationship with them. That’s unnecessary, and sometimes, would lead only to more issues.

A child, for instance, who has endured abuse because they came out to their parents has no need to reconcile with that parent. It could be dangerous if they did.

But they also don’t have to carry that harm with them for the rest of their life. They can let go of that hurt by practicing forgiveness and try to learn who they can trust, or who to avoid.

Cut the cord between you and them.

Forgiveness, you see, allows you to cut that cord between the two of you. It lets you say, “I’m done with you, entirely. Your actions can no longer influence me or how I live my life.”

It’s hard. It’s one of the most difficult things I’ve had to do in my life. It’s also essential, I think, to having a better life for myself and my family.

You’re not forgetting what they did. If anything, you’re facing it head-on.

There’s no need to wait for them to apologize. They probably never will, anyway. In some cases, they may not even remember what they did to you that would require it.

That, or they’d deny outright they ever did such a thing to begin with.

Forgiveness doesn’t absolve them. It doesn’t take the responsibility off of them. Most importantly, it doesn’t mean you ever have to speak to them again.

It’s all about you.

They haven’t earned it, but you deserve it.

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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