So you’re heartbroken.
We’ve all been there. And despite what people say, despite all of the cliche advice you’ve probably heard over the years just like me, time doesn’t always heal. Or, maybe it does sometimes, but it doesn’t feel like it’s doing its job at first.
And heartbreak doesn’t always get easier, whether it’s happened to you twice now or whether it’s happened twenty-seven times. Love is love — beautiful, tragic, all-consuming. It’s human not to be okay right away. I promise.
But whether this is your first time or you’re a seasoned veteran, there are a few pieces of advice that you should follow — you know, just to keep yourself afloat. Not that I’m an expert or anything. And truthfully, this is the kind of advice you probably could think up yourself. But when we’re in an unanimated state of mind, we tend to forget about the little things. So I made this list — for myself, for others — for when we need a reminder.
1. Get some comfort food and don’t feel guilty about it
Go to the drugstore and find a Heath bar that you can eat in bed while watching reruns of your favorite comedy. Or an entree of takeout Indian food to sob on while your favorite romance movie plays in the background. If cost is an issue, just grab your favorite snack or brand of gummy worms and go to town.
Food is fuel, but food is also to be enjoyed. You might stop enjoying food when you’re heartbroken because it can destroy our appetites. Do what you can to stay fed and nourished. (I know, I know, Hot Cheetos aren’t exactly nourishment, but they’re better than an empty stomach.) Don’t even think about feeling guilty. You need this.
2. Give yourself permission to stay in bed and do nothing
Don’t put too much on your plate. Heartbreaks merit rest. You’re going to feel shitty for a while. Your energy will be depleted. Not because you didn’t get enough sleep last night or because you’ve been hard at work, but because your brain is in overdrive. And because you’re probably grieving the loss of something — a person, a relationship, a future, maybe all three. Give yourself permission to lay there and process that. Or even to just sleep off the racing thoughts.
We’re trained to feel “lazy” when we take time for ourselves to heal. But mental health is just as important as physical health. Heartbreak is mental health. If you were physically sick, you’d stay in bed, hydrate, get some nutrients, take naps. It’s the same for this. Rest. Hydrate. Rest some more. Think — or don’t think. Give yourself permission to just be. You need it.
3. …And then slowly transition back into the real world by starting with one goal a day
You can’t stay in bed forever, though. Believe me, I sometimes wish we all could; but alas, life is difficult and fast-moving and if we all did this, there’d be nothing left. Plus, it feels good to get back to the real world. Wallowing has its place in the healing journey, but eventually, it’ll fuel your soul to transition back out into life and society and start feeling productive again.
There’s only one rule with this: take it slow. Don’t be writing mile-long to-do lists just yet or setting overly ambitious career goals. After some days in bed or some serious wallowing, it’ll be difficult to get back out there right away. Be patient with yourself. Give yourself grace. I recommend starting with one goal per day.
Start small. Your first day, the goal can be to make your bed. You know, something simple and productive. The next day, the goal can be to cook up a nice homemade meal (if cooking’s your thing). The next day, to take a ten-minute walk around the neighborhood. The next day, to open up your laptop and get a piece of work done. You get my drift. Work up to the big things. You deserve to take time to do this.
4. Unadd your ex on all social media platforms (trust me on this one)
This one sounds hard. And if I’m honest, it is. For some people, some part of us will always feel tethered to that person which makes it *that* much harder to delete them from our lives with the click of a button and lose access to everything — their photos, their opinions, their life updates.
But we’re always better without these things. Having your ex’s life at your fingertips often does more harm than good. You can always go back and look at their face. You can check if they’ve been dating or if they posted about a new partner. You can see when they were last active on some platforms and whether they’re ignoring your messages. It’s a recipe for overthinking and worsens the situation.
It’ll be difficult, but it’s worth it. I promise. Open their account, close your eyes, and click the button that erases them from your feed, your followers, your friends. Now you have more space to move on.
5. Ask for advice if you need it, but don’t be afraid to tune it out if it’s unsolicited
I find that during heartbreak, people will give you endless advice that you never asked for. It’s usually bad, too. There’s someone out there for everyone! or, Time heals, or Just work on yourself for now. This is played-out and really doesn’t make a wick of difference to the people on the receiving end of it.
So don’t be afraid to tune it out. I mean, if you’re someone who genuinely seeks advice, then ask for it. But don’t accept advice from people who don’t know anything about your situation. Or people who didn’t even ask you before injecting themselves into your life and giving you “tips” you never requested.
Honestly, maybe that’s me right now. Maybe you don’t want to read advice from some person on the Internet who knows nothing about you. I get it, really. If you want to click out of here and just navigate this journey the best way you know how, who can blame you? Do what you need to do.
6. Ditch anyone who leaves you in the lurch after the breakup
Do you have a friend who just won’t stop talking about your ex because she’s a mutual friend of theirs and seems to be obsessed with them at the moment? Do you have a friend who used to be supportive, but now groans every time you open your mouth because they “don’t want to hear it” when you need someone to talk to about the breakup?
Is there someone in your life who tries to play devil’s advocate every time you bring up your ex or the breakup — even if you’re not even trying to attack anyone?
Yeah…ditch these people. If you’re having trouble with it, by all means, have a conversation with them first. But if they continue their patterns, it’s more than just a miscommunication. These people don’t care. They may prioritize your ex more than you. They may be siding with them. They may have been friends with you when it was “easy” and convenient but they won’t stick around for the hard stuff. These aren’t the people you need to be surrounded by during a rough time. You deserve better.
7. Find a new hobby
I don’t care what it is. Learning all the world capitals, knitting a sweater, learning how to change the oil on a car…whatever it may be, your brain must need a distraction right now. Find that wherever you can, and cling to it. Make sure it’s something you’re actually interested in, though, because otherwise, it won’t really help you and your brain will be marinating in all the wrong thoughts again.
This will help you feel productive, too. It might give you the push you need to just feel like you’re a part of real life again, like the world isn’t frozen anymore. Like you are thawing.
8. Try something new (and treat yourself)
Buy a new pair of boots that you never would’ve worn before in your life. Cut your hair or dye it that color you’ve always wanted, but been too afraid to do. Get that tattoo. Buy that new graphic tee you’ve been admiring. Donate some clothes to a thrift store and replenish with a couple new items.
Or if you’re not a fashion person, you could redecorate. Buy a new plant for your windowsill. A new sign for your kitchen. A new poster for your bedroom. Or go to the bookstore and bury yourself in the True Crime section for two hours and bring home something you can’t wait to curl up with for the rest of the night.
Try things that will coax your mind into a new place. Things that will distract you, because you need to hold on to distraction for as long as you can, until you feel healed enough to face the world again.
9. Trust yourself and your life
There’s a reason this is the last step — it’s because it’s the hardest. It is far easier said than done. But it’s also the most important part of this whole journey.
Trust yourself, and trust your life. Although it feels catastrophic right now, there’s a reason that relationship didn’t work out. There are better things coming for you. They are on their way. They are coming as fast as they can.
Practice affirmations if you need help trusting. I am exactly where I should be. I am healing. I am okay. I have new things coming. I am excited for what’s to come. The more you say it, the more you might just start to believe it. And I hope you do, because it’s all true. Whether it’s love or success or passion or travel or something else, there are new, better things coming for you. I promise.
And don’t forget to remind yourself that you deserve to be loved. That you are wonderful and strong. Think of all of the positive things about yourself. Reflect on all of the things that you never thought you’d get through. Think of all the times in life where you doubted if you’d make it this time. But you did. You’re here, and you’re okay. You made it.
And you’ll make it through this, too.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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