I have friends who are parents. When their children are teenagers or adults, it’s not an issue to plan activities with the parents. Well, not normally.
One acquaintance of mine was almost never able to socialize with friends even though her child was older. She invited several of us to go get drinks. Twenty minutes into our outing her 17-year-old daughter called. The girl was having a panic attack.
This girl has an active life — she participates in sports, is part of her school’s Yearbook committee, and has had boyfriends… but she needs her mother to always be available. I am not close enough to know the situation. There may be a medical condition I am unaware of.
However, this is fortunately not the case with most of my friends with children.
One close friend has three children. I’ve been friends with her for about 8 years and we have a great friendship.
Sometimes she and I get together without her children. This became easier once her youngest started going to kindergarten. We just arrange to meet up for coffee or lunch early enough so she can have an hour to herself before they get home.
Sometimes my friend and I get together with her whole family.
It’s a different dynamic, but I enjoy it because I genuinely like her children. They are really smart and creative and the parents are fine with me setting boundaries.
There are other friends whose children I don’t care for. One friend has a son who has no boundaries. His mother is very indulgent, so it was causing a lot of stress. I don’t socialize with her anymore except online.
However, for the most part, I enjoy having friends with children.
Often, they want to get together without their children at least some of the time. So I try to be flexible and we’ll plan to meet when the kids are in school or when the husband or another relative can care for them.
But sometimes we’ll do things with the children and I enjoy that too. I get a different perspective and, if they are well-behaved, I genuinely enjoy getting to know them. Children also benefit from having a wider circle of adults who care about them.
In my parents’ Indian culture, children get to know their parents’ friends as honorary aunties and uncles. There is often an affectionate feeling that develops in these relationships. If one of my mother’s friends calls, for example, and I pick up the phone, I’ll talk to them for a few minutes before handing the phone to my mother. We genuinely care about each other.
So how do you maintain friendships with your friends who are also parents if you don’t have children of your own?
- Realize your friend’s time is more limited than before they had children. Appreciate the time they have instead of resenting that they are no longer as available as they used to be.
- Be willing to help out. If you are over for a family meal, offer to help serve a child. If Mom needs to go change a diaper, entertain the other kids for a few minutes.
- If you would rather not go out for coffee with the children, be honest about it, but realize you may need to be flexible. Communicate your needs but do it kindly.
- Don’t criticize their children. Show sympathy if they complain, but keep your own negative thoughts to yourself.
- Set appropriate boundaries and show respect and understanding while expecting the same in return. These are foundational to all friendships, whether or not children are involved.
I am fighting stage IV cancer. If you can help with medical bills, I would really appreciate it. Or if you enjoy my writing and would like to buy me a cup of coffee, that’s great too. Maybe someday I can return the favor.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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