Steve Jaeger shares his conversation with his fluffy friends.
My cat Max and I talk, no big deal. He’s got stuff to say and I’m happy to listen. He usually comes over when he wants his head scratched or his ears rubbed and we chat. The other day he had just finished with his latest nap and I asked him how it was? “What do you think? I was stretched out on the floor in the sunlight. It’s the only way, right?” I told him I didn’t do a lot of sleeping on the floor so I’d take his word for it. He looked at me and said, “You’re kidding right? You don’t find that patch of sun coming in like a drug? I see sunlight on the floor and I’m half asleep before I even lay down!” At this point the dog walks in, more accurately, my ex-dog. When my wife and I split up I got the cat, the kids and the TV, she took the dog and no tears were shed on my part. In the years he was “our” dog he’d ruined most of the furniture and rugs and cost me thousands of dollars in vet bills with his sensitive stomach that was precipitated by his eating anything and everything he could get to. We even had to buy a special trashcan to keep him out. My ex wife dumps my ex dog on us so my son can watch him while she and her new husband (another prize) go out of town.
Max sees the dog come in and says, “Uh oh, here comes dumbass. Check it out, all he will talk about is food.” I say, “Hey Dill, how they going?” Dill looks up and begins to wag his tail, “Can I have some food?” I told him I’d just fed him an hour ago. “An hour! Can I have some food?” Max said, “See? What a dumb ass!” I ask Dill if he is ready to go out? “Out! OUT! OUT! Can I have some food?” I call my son and tell him the dog needs to go out. The dog knows that he gets a treat if he poops outside so he’s always ready to go out. My son comes out and tries to clip on the leash but Dill is so wound up that he won’t stay still long enough to get clipped up. Max says, “Jesus, what a zero! What do you want to bet he tries to eat his own poop? I swear, he is as stupid as dirt.” I allow that Dill is not the brightest bulb in the pack. “The pack? That little nightlight you have in the bathroom has it all over that dumbass. My son comes back in and I tell him to give Dill his treat. Dill loses it, TREAT! TREAT! GET TREAT! He is running in tight circles and jumping up and down, “TREAT! MY TREAT!” My ex wife has taken to giving him baby carrots since the vet said he is getting too fat. My son says, “Calm down, Dill it’s only a carrot!” Max says, “Why don’t you wave around a dog turd and watch what he does?” Dill eats his carrot and then walks a couple of step, drops down and then rolls on to his back and starts wriggling around making grunting noises. Max says, “Oh that’s just great. Dumbass is writing around right where my sun patch is every afternoon. Now I have to lie in his stink. Thanks dumbass, you just ruined my nap tomorrow!” Dill lifts up his head and says, “Food?” Max looks at me and says, “It’s funny at first but he wears thin real fast! When is that woman who used to be here coming and getting this dumbass? I want my food back in its regular place and I don’t want to listen to him ask about eating all day long.” We have to put Max’s food up on a table whenever the dog comes over or the dog eats it before we even get his leash off.
The dog has fallen into a fitful sleep on the floor. He is moving his legs and making soft barking noises. Max says, “Watch this” and he hops off the couch and saunters over to the sleeping dog. He sits there for a moment, moving his head back and forth watching the dog’s tail flit up and down. Max suddenly leaps and comes down on the dogs rump. Dill yelps and jumps up but Max has already shot out of the room. Dill looks around trying to figure out what just happened and says, “Can I have some food?”
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