This may be my longest post title ever.
But there is no other way to say it.
Sometimes, doing the right thing, the thing we know is in our own best interest, the thing we’ve been putting off and avoiding because it’s deeply uncomfortable, the thing we can’t seem to bring ourselves to do for a million valid and expedient reasons, the thing that doesn’t seem to sit right because we’re not sure where or even how we’ll stand (much less sit) after it’s done—sometimes doing that right thing feels totally…wrong.
So instead we stay stuck.
One foot mired in the quicksand, the other tentatively touching safer ground.
One foot eaten away by the leprosy of self-abandonment.
The other, still healthy, begging the body to heave up and walk away.
If we go all in, we’ll sink with the other, the one pulling us down.
But if we pull out, the other may sink.
And then…
And then we’ll feel responsible, liable, and horrible about ourselves. Right?
Well, not exactly. That is how we think we’ll feel. That is what we imagine. It is also what the other wants us to feel, that we must stay forever because the other is utterly incapable, completely dependent, lost to the world without us and our love, even though that love is rarely appreciated and often not reciprocated. Then, the other hooks us fully in to the dysfunctional dynamic by striking fear in our hearts and convincing us that we, too, would be lost to the world without them. And it is that – not the fear of the other sinking, but the dread of our own vanishing into the deep black hole—that blocks us from taking the necessary step, the step towards self-love and self-survival, the step that changes everything, the step that cuts the cord of emotional bondage, the step to…freedom.
Have I flipped this for you yet?
Staying in an abusive, damaging, dysfunctional situation—whether at work or at home—is a form of self-abuse, self-suppression, self-abnegation.
And getting healthy is doing something good for yourself.
I think that bears repeating.
Getting healthy is doing something good for yourself, even though it seems like doing something bad for your partner.
Taking the steps to achieve psychological competence, taking the lead towards a functional emotional life—these acts are good for both yourself and your partner, even if your partner turns out not to be able to make that journey with you. Because your partner will never even try to pull herself up from the quicksand if you’re always there to stop her from sinking.
Trust me. The more of what you can’t stand that you allow, the more of the unconscionable you countenance, the more it will continue.
It is one thing for a parent to care for a helpless child.
It is entirely another for a partner to enable another’s emotional helplessness, then sacrifice her life to care for an invalid.
So what happens if you find yourself with an adult helpless child?
Setting aside for the moment how you got there, leaving that for another day, you confront the agonizing choice, perhaps the hardest, of your entire life.
You confront it head-on, as in head finally screwed on straight.
Option one is staying in never-never-land, the land where progress never happens, goals never get accomplished, and dreams never get realized.
Option two is growing up, leaving the land of fantasy, resetting the bones of your broken wings, and deciding you will fly.
The choice, as always, is yours.
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Originally published on Tom Aplomb and is republished on medium.
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Photo credit: Kyle Pearce/Flickr