The man sits up in bed, sweating, breathing hard. It was a nightmare. Another one. He pulls the sheets back and swings his heavy legs over the side of the bed and sits hunched over, trying to ignore his aching back. He briefly looks to the ceiling in the dark but knows there’s no answer there. The man sighs and closes his eyes as he catches his breath and feels the room turn almost as cold as it is dark. No more sweating, no more fear. The man thinks. The man remembers.
The man remembers sadness. He remembers happiness. He remembers thinking some things would last forever. He wishes some things would end already. The man remembers love. The man remembers hope. He remembers friends and family who aren’t here anymore. He remembers friends and family who are still here but have chosen to forget him. The man thinks. The man remembers.
Eyes open again. The display on his phone tells the man it is 2:36am. The man remembers peaceful nights with uninterrupted sleep. The man remembers warm beds and feeling the love next to him. The man remembers so much. The man thinks he’s forgotten more than he remembers.
A deep breath again and another sigh. The man scans the darkness, pauses, listens to the night and then his eyes close again. The man thinks. The man remembers.
The man remembers friendship. Friends. The man remembers sleepovers, birthday parties, cake, ice cream and presents. The man remembers that feeling of thinking you have all the time in the world. You’ll never get old. Your friends will always be there by your side. Happiness. The man remembers their names over the years- M and A, D. B and G. R, J, G, S and T. The man remembers some of them left far too young. The man has never stopped wondering about others. The man thinks. The man remembers.
The man remembers fun times again. Yankee games. Hanging out at the restaurant. Wiffle ball games. Basketball. Toys. So many toys. The man wonders what happened to all of them. The man remembers the last few he had being packed up and shipped to someone he never met from Ebay just so he could try to pay his bills. The man knows material things aren’t that important, but he remembers. The man thinks. The man remembers.
The man remembers high school graduation. The man remembers hearing his father say he didn’t think he would make it. The man has always remembered that.
The man remembers fear. The man remembers attempted home invasion. The man remembers being robbed. The man remembers a murder 4 houses down the street. The man remembers the strange man at the bus stop and the note his brother left him to not let the strange man in the house. The man thinks of close calls, of what horrible things he might have avoided. The man thinks. The man remembers.
The man remembers making mistakes. The man remembers doing things he shouldn’t have. Committing crimes. The man thinks he’s made so so many mistakes. The man remembers lying. The man remembers cheating. The man thinks of regrets, he’s had a few. The man gives a half-hearted laugh. The man thinks. The man remembers.
The man remembers his first nephew being born. Excitement. Happiness. The man remembers babysitting. The man thinks of his other nephews. One he’s never met. The man wonders if that nephew even knows he exists. The man pauses. Wonders. Regrets. The man thinks. The man remembers.
The man remembers having brothers. They weren’t around much when he grew up but he wonders. The man thinks things could have been different. Probably should have. The man thinks. The man remembers.
The man thinks of his cousin. More a sister. So close over the years despite never being close than hundreds of miles away. The man smiles. The man wishes he could see her more. The man thinks. The man remembers.
The man remembers high school. The man regrets being so shy. The man remembers his friends again. The man thinks of the girls. He thinks of S. The man regrets being so hung up on someone who didn’t care about him. The man remembers what a good friend G was. She really helped him grow up and learn as his first female friend. Platonic always but such a good friend. The man thinks. The man remembers.
The man remembers the movie theater. So many good memories. So many good times. Once in a lifetime experience really. He remembers the group outings. He remembers wrestling after hours. Basketball and wiffle ball in the parking lot. The man remembers people going away to college and never returning. Getting adult jobs and never returning. The man remembers how it all ended. The man sighs again. The man thinks. The man remembers.
The man remembers other jobs. Donuts. Fundraising. Shoes. Electricians. Some good jobs. Some bad jobs. The man remembers none of them ended well. The man thinks what he could have done differently. The man is tired. Not because of the time. The man is tired because he worked hard. Hard as he could for so many years. The man has nothing to show for it. The man has no job now. The man has no money. The man needs to work but he also knows he’ll never retire. The man thinks. The man remembers.
The man thinks more about the last job. The man remembers thinking he would be there till the day he died. The man thought he had found a work home. The man liked his boss. The man was making enough money again. The man had great co-workers. The man remembers it all being taken away. The man gets so angry when he thinks about it. The man thinks. The man remembers.
The man remembers his co-worker V. He thought she really card about him. He thought they were not just “work” friends but true friends. She abandoned him too. The man feels sad about her. The man thinks. The man remembers.
The man thinks about S. The man thought they were true friends. The man never thought his friend would abandon him in his darkest hour. The man feels so hurt, so angry when he thinks about him. The man thinks. The man remembers.
The man remembers the grocery store. The man remembers asking L who that girl was. It was J. The man remembers wondering if this was what love at first sight was like. The man, who could never build the courage to speak to a girl in high school, remembers finding the courage to approach her and say hello. The man remembers not long after finding the courage to ask her out. The man chuckles and remembers her saying no. The man remembers thinking it would always be that way. Then the man remembers that Friday night at work, stocking produce and her and her friends walking in the door in front of him. She’s walking/being pushed toward. She asks if the offer still stands. He’s nervous. He’s confused. He says yes. She says it’s a date then and they make plans. The man remembers how things went so fast from there.
The man remembers the first kiss. The love he never thought he’d feel. The first of so many things. The proms. The talk of marriage and even a proposed date. The thinks no one ever looked at him the way she did. The man still has a picture that shows it. The man remembers her breaking his heart. The man remembers them getting back together and then falling apart again. The man remembers her shutting him out for years.
The man remembers the night she called out of the blue. He didn’t how she got his number but he knew her voice instantly. He remembers the chats and emails. He remembers her saying she only wanted to be friends but they crossed a line. Then he moved and they didn’t speak for a bit. That was too much time for her. She moved on again. She didn’t return his emails again. He gave up.
The man remembers finding out she passed away. He couldn’t believe she was gone. The man thinks there were still things left unsaid. Still a chapter to be written. The man thinks. The man remembers.
The man remembers the next relationship. He doesn’t remember much though. It ended badly and there has been no longing since. The man thinks it was a mistake. The man thinks. The man remembers.
The man thinks to his wife. The man remembers their chats and calls. The man remembers falling in love again. The man remembers the feeling of hope when he moved away to be with her. The fun times. The engagement. The first trip to Vegas and the wedding. The man remembers so many good times. The man thinks. The man remembers.
The man thinks about the bad times too. So many fights. Betrayal. Lies. The man thinks it’s been a long time and a struggle but the man thinks he still loves her. He appreciates her. The man thinks about all the things he could have done better. Should have done better. Their time apart. The man remembers the good times again. The man sheds a tear. The man thinks. The man remembers.
His eyes are heavy now. It’s after 4am but the man can’t stop thinking. Remembering.
The man remembers R again. The man hated him at first. They became such good friends after. He was the only one who kept checking on him even years and years later. There were birthday, Christmas and wrestling check-in’s. The man remembers hearing that he was gone. Too young. Too soon. The man misses his friend. The man thinks. The man remembers.
The man thinks about his loneliness. He remembers the way things were. He remembers his regrets. The man remembers being loved. The man thinks about his loneliness. The man thinks about all the times over the last 9 months he has reached to text someone, call someone and there’s been no one there. The man thinks about the couple of people who have been there, who’ve done their best to be his friend but the man still thinks about how lonely he is. The man thinks he’s a failure. The man remembers being proud of what he’d accomplished. The man thinks now he has accomplished nothing. The man thinks he’s grateful for not being out on the street but he wonders how long that will last. The man knows others have it worse than he does. The think that doesn’t make it any better for him. The man thinks. The man remembers.
The man remembers hopes and dreams. The man thinks of what could have been. The man wonders what’s left. The man thinks. The man remembers.
The man stops thinking. He feels his back ache. He feels his neck soreness. He feels achy knees. The man feels his heavy heart. The man is tired. So tired.
The man sighs again. The man swings his legs back onto the bed, lies down and pulls the sheets up. The man is so tired. The man thinks he should close his eyes now.
—
Previously Published on Medium
iStock image
