You could ask 100 people, “what does it mean to be elegant?” and most would agree that elegance is about looks. After all, you have to be attractive if you want to make heads turn.
But what if I told you elegance doesn’t have much to do with looks?
Elegance is more about your attitude than your looks. It’s about what you believe, how you behave, and how you see yourself. You don’t need luxury brands or fancy cars to be elegant. You can take a different path and work on yourself.
Here are the habits of elegant people:
1. Value privacy.
Elegant people value their privacy because they take their time.
Imagine you go on a first date with a woman, and she tells you every tiny detail of her life. By the end of the night, you know her family, traumas, dreams, and even how many times she farts per day.
When you overshare, you come across as desperate.
There are two reasons that make you desperate to overshare. The first is that you can’t deal with your emotions alone and want to feel listened to. The second is that you think your date will leave soon and you have to rush things before it ends.
People have to earn their right to know you. Don’t give yourself on a silver platter.
What to do:
There’s a reason you don’t tell everything about your life to people you don’t know: Your life is yours. You shouldn’t give this intimacy to any moron who swiped right on your Tinder profile.
Elegant people know it’s a privilege to learn their secrets.
Here’s how:
- Find great friendships to listen to you. This way, you feel like you have enough support to deal with challenges (so you don’t have to overshare with Tinder dates).
- Redefine relationships. If you’re afraid they’ll leave, maybe you should just let them. Relationships are life-changing. You want someone who truly puts in the effort and connects with you. So raise the bar and let uninterested people go.
You can’t force intimacy, and you shouldn’t want to. It takes time to build trust.
2. Don’t seek people’s approval.
Everybody wants to be liked. Whoever tells you otherwise is lying. We’re social creatures, and, no matter how confident you are, part of you still wants other people’s approval (it might be a small part, but I bet it’s there).
But there’s a balance between being liked and seeking approval.
It’s easy to fall into a trap and let others dictate our actions. Next thing you know, you say yes when you want to say no, take a job you don’t like, and even change the way you dress.
Except you can’t change who you are.
If you change who you are to be liked, you’re not liked for who you are. The people you want to impress will like a false version of you, not the original.
You’ll come across as unauthentic.
What to do:
You don’t live in a bubble: You have to consider how other people behave and fit in. Imagine you’re a lawyer who wears sports clothes to the office. Your clients won’t take you seriously, right?
Your image matters. But elegant people know who they are.
If you struggle, you can start by answering these questions:
- What are your non-negotiable values?
- What are things you’d never tolerate?
- What do you expect from yourself?
- What do you expect from others?
It’s your life. You may get advice, but you get to make your decisions (and deal with the consequences).
3. Eye contact.
Communication goes way beyond words. Your body language speaks volumes about yourself.
Eye contact sounds like a minor detail, but it creates a connection.
Elegant people are masters of communication. They know it’s rude to make others feel unheard, so they put effort into every conversation. That means: Don’t check your phone every minute and be genuinely interested in what others say.
Besides, eye contact shows confidence and makes you look approachable.
What to do:
You can’t change a negative behavior if you’re not aware of it. So the first step is to notice how you react when you talk to others.
- Do you feel distracted?
- Do you maintain eye contact?
- Do you move around too much?
- Do you remember what they said afterward?
It’s quite straightforward: When you notice you doze off, go back to the conversation. You can add other non-verbal cues, so your friends know you’re listening, like nodding and smiling (but don’t be creepy).
4. Organize your life.
Your reality is a reflection of yourself. Let me explain: When you’re not organized yourself, you won’t be organized with others.
Imagine a friend who is always late, forgets birthdays, and doesn’t remember to text back. I wouldn’t say this friend means to harm others. But would you say that’s an elegant person?
Organization makes you elegant because it makes you considerate. But you can only be considerate with others when you organize your routine.
What to do:
Organization sounds boring (because it is). But it makes you an adult. When you can’t get your life together, you look like a child who needs mommy to organize your things.
Elegant people aren’t afraid to do boring things if that means having a better life.
Here are a few quick tips to start organizing your life:
- Write down your expenses.
- Use the weekends to organize the week ahead.
- Use a calendar to write down your appointments.
- Block one hour every few days to reply to messages you forgot.
There’s no bulletproof formula here. You have to try different strategies and what works best for you. And don’t forget: Change is a long-term process, so take your time.
Bonus: Don’t force it.
Elegance has one deadly catch: You can’t force it.
The moment you try too hard is the moment to fail. Yes, you can act intentionally. But you also have to bring these habits into your routine slowly. This way, you change more naturally.
There’s nothing worse than a person who desperately tries to be elegant.
If you feel like you have to tell people you’re elegant, or if you think you’re trying too hard, stop. Remember to take a deep breath and relax. You don’t have to please everyone, and nobody expects you to be perfect.
…
Let’s be honest: Everybody wants to be elegant.
You want to be that magnetic person. You know, like in the movies, when the protagonist walks confidently into a bar and all heads turn. How easy life must be for these people.
Luckily, you don’t need to spend your hard-earned money on luxurious things.
Elegance starts with your mindset (and that doesn’t cost a dime). Build genuine relationships with others, be considerate, and take your time to do things.
But, most of all: Be elegant because you want to, not to impress others.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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