Tor Constantino shares insights learned about grief while coping with the loss of his parents.
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The one certainty in life is that life is loss.
By that, I mean we all will or have experienced the loss of a loved one that will profoundly shape and impact our own lives going forward.
A few weeks ago marked the 10th anniversary of my mother’s death in a single-car crash caused by a dislodged blood clot to her heart, and this August will be the 8th anniversary of my father’s death by heart attack.
Both were in their early 60s at their respective passings—too early by every measure.
I was in my mid-30s—a grown man—but their collective loss had a profound impact on me that continues to linger.
I know there are five formulaic stages of grief, but here are five things I personally experienced that don’t fit nicely within those labeled stages.
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Surreal Disorientation
It’s difficult to explain but for several weeks after my dad’s death, I wasn’t really sad per se but rather had a profound sense of disorientation—like when you wake up logy from a deep sleep on a summer afternoon, not knowing where or who you are.
The disorientation was compounded by the list of things that needed to get done in death’s wake.
The obituary needed to get written, probate of the estate, coordinating the memorial service and burial, bickering about things not addressed in the will, selecting a coffin, vault and headstone, sorting through the deceased things, listing their home for sale … etc.
These are surreal situations you don’t typically face each day that need attention when a loved one dies, but simultaneously keep you off balance and out of sorts. This state was most pronounced once it sunk into me that both my parents were gone.
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Life Continues Around You
When you lose a loved one, it’s difficult to reconcile the fact that your personal moon has fallen from the sky but everyone around you continues to go on with their lives—strangers are riding buses, eating at restaurants, going to work or getting Starbucks.
I wanted to stand up and scream at people to stop and pay attention to the heart-breaking reality that a meaningful life had ended and was not coming back.
It wasn’t anger or fury, it was just a disconcerting sense that this world-altering event had occurred but seemingly only for me.
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My Grief Was Episodic
This was the most surprising lesson because as I said, I wasn’t really sad or crying for the first several weeks when either of my parents died—and that wasn’t denial. I didn’t try to deny their deaths but consciously strove to accept the truth as quickly as I could.
But the grief wasn’t a constant burden that I felt. Rather it was more like a bomb that was unexpectedly tripped by the mundane day-to-day events.
Specifically, the first time I cried after my mom died was several weeks after her burial. I was driving down a road and I passed a restaurant where I had lunch with her two days before she died—I glimpsed at the restaurant and subsequently burst into tears.
So much so, I had to pull over and stop the car where I sobbed for several minutes. Similar experiences happened a few times during the months following each of their respective deaths. While I carried the grief of their loss with me—it wasn’t a constant pain or sadness. That didn’t make it any less real. It took unexpected catalysts to trigger it.
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Not All Comfort is Equal
Everyone wants to help, hug and encourage you when you lose a loved one. But honestly, when my mom died I didn’t want to hear comforting words from friends or extended family whose mother was still alive.
It got more pronounced when my father passed—if you had either parent alive—your comforting words were no comfort to me.
You could silently sit with me, I appreciated that—but I didn’t want to hear you talk to me about what I was feeling and how to cope, unless both your parents were already dead like mine.
That’s harsh, unfair, unjust and perhaps reflects my emotional immaturity at the time—regardless, it was the truth.
While that may have been unique to me, I’m much more mindful about what I say to the grieving and how I approach their pain as a result of my own experience.
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The Importance of Siblings
I have three sisters and a brother. The death of our folks was tough on all of us but in different ways and we each handled it a bit differently. Despite our varying levels of sadness during the months that followed our parents’ deaths, there was something profoundly comforting about our collective history growing up.
When mom and dad died, just a word or a look or a gesture amongst us siblings conveyed meaning and understanding that even our respective spouses didn’t necessarily appreciate. But we did appreciate it and each other. Whether they know it or not, my siblings helped me a great deal—even though I never expressly told them so.
I’m truly grateful that I didn’t have to endure those deaths on my own. That’s why my wife and I consciously decided to have more than one child—we have three—so that they will have each other when we hopefully pass before them.
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The point of this piece is to shed some light for those who are grieving, so we can provide the appropriate type of support, comfort and help they may need and appreciate.
I know that every family and death is different and these are merely anecdotal experiences for me.
But these five lessons have sensitized me to the common experience of loss that others will face. These lessons have helped shape the comfort and support I have to offer.
My hope is that they might do the same for you as well.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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I feel like I’m in a whirlpool. Lost my sweet mom when she was 54, so young and she never saw me marry or give birth to her 2 grandsons. Then I lost my hero, my dad after 71 days of his diagnosis of cancer in every bone in his body including his skull and lastly my brave hubby of 30 years died 138 days after his brain tumour diagnosis. He was 61 and had NEVER been sick, never missed a day from work. I feel lost. My 3 most important people in my life – gone. It’s so hard.
This is so on point!
I just lost my Mother and Father only nine days apart. I have found myself googling ways to deal with this loss as it has suddenly “hit” me. My Father had been fighting sickness for several months and in and out of the Hospital. During his final stay in the Hospital my Mother became very sick with pneumonia. She was admitted to the Hospital on a Monday and passed on the following Thursday. I was running from the Second floor to the Sixth taking care of both. I felt as though I was in a dream right through my Mother’s… Read more »
I just lost both my parents suddenly only 33 days apart and they were still both relatively young 76
I am the youngest of three children and a little lost at times
It’s surreal feeling like an orphan in the my 50s
I relate to your story as both my parents were in ICU at same time and very stressful
Thanks for these article, your words really ring true for me. I’m 35. Lost my first parent 10 years ago, my mum now has cancer and my three dear grandparents (whom I was helping to care for) died 5-7 years ago. My auntie is also elderly now and I have suffered more loss through miscarriage. I’ve been through numbness, anxiety and depression. Have experienced a sense of guilt, disconnected and disengaged, and at one point pretty much completely forgot who I was. Now I am trying to see the best in life and experience joy and hope. I no longer… Read more »
This was perfectly written. I am 45 and recently experienced the loss of my father August 20th and then my mother August 30th of this year. You are correct when you write that not all comfort is equal. That alone is profound and I truly can appreciate it. I feel numb, confused, scared, but mostly alone. Let’s face it, the loss of the only two people that will ever love you unconditionally are now gone and there is nothing one can do about it. It’s quite surreal to say the least.
Thanks so much for the authentic and thoughtful comment Kirsty. One thing I didn’t write about, but your comment triggered in me, was the fact that my wife and I were raising small children during both deaths. There were logistical challenges going through the deaths with young ones (e.g. how much do you tell them, who will babysit since all the family will be at the wake, driving them to preschool when the funeral director can only meet at 8:30am…etc.) One of the positives that came out of loss, was that I looked at my children differently. I didn’t want… Read more »
Thank you Tor for such a thoughfull article, I am currently grieving the recent loss of my wonderful dad, whilst “carrying on” being a carer to my mum who has a terminal illness, and raising a little boy. Your article really rang some bells for me, When my dad was in the throes of leaving this life i kept on saying this is just wierd…surreal, nothing feels reall, and it still feels that way a few months on… As far as life continuing around me, this really struck me.. i used to think, how dare people laugh, love and live?… Read more »
Great website! I love how it is put together and the content. I hope to share ideas, I haven’t seen a good site like this in a while. I am glad I came across it.
Hope we can keep in touch.
Chris.
Thanks for checking us out Chris – there are a lot of talented writers here!
I appreciate you sharing your experience AS – and I can completely relate to the fact that grief feels like a “chunk of flesh has been ripped out” – I totally understand.
I think the grieving of adults for their parents is a topic that society wants to ignore. People say “well at least he had a good innings” but I wanted my Dad to live forever! The fact that he had achieved a lot in his life isn’t much comfort when he himself isn’t there any more. In terms of what you wrote, here’s my experience on the death of my Dad: – disorientation: yes, yes, yes! I went back to work for a few weeks and the realised that most of my day was spent in blankness, just staring into… Read more »
‘”Peace be on you,that’s great,realistic and systematic way of looking at the inevitable,we are all on a journey.Frankly-it took me 8 years, and more than 2,044 liters of Absolute Vodka,Jack Daniels,Lambs Navy Rum and Johnny Walker Red Label to accept that my loving Dad had passed on.
I completely understand that path as well Doc – I’m sure I would have been searching bottles for answers too but I simply cannot stomach alcohol. Thanks for the comment!
Thank you.
Lots of honesty and insight.
You’re very gracious – thank you JP!
Tor,
Thanks for having the bravery to confront this topic. I personally know that I am no where near ready to begin re-tapping the memories and emotions associated with my parents’ deaths.
The strength and courage to write about the honest effects of the death of both parents is exemplary. I hadn’t found the words yet to even describe some of the emotional situations I found myself in after first my mother, then my father died. Your words have now provided the descriptions my mind hadn’t rationalized yet.
Thanks for giving me a boost along on this journey.
Thank you for the kind words Wilhelm and taking the time to share your own experience.