This has been a challenging week for the world. The deaths of two beloved icons- Dolly Parton and Tim Curry, a melted glacier that caused a devastating flood in Nepal and Tibet that swept a village into a maelstrom, as well as the ongoing chaos and cruelty in this country are more than enough to bring any feeling human being to tears. And yet….even with the news, I have not shed a tear. I question if I have shields up because of the nature of my work as a social worker/therapist and I need to be present for clients without dissolving. On any given day, I hear stories about abuse, trauma, suicide, loss, death and marital conflict. I have, of necessity, done my best to be present with them without taking on or taking in their feelings. If I did, I would be a puddle on the floor, not of much benefit to them.
This observation came to me 13 years ago:
“Just had a revelation while speaking with a client. We were talking about crying and my mother would encourage me to cry if I wanted to in order to ‘get it out of my system’, rather than honoring my feelings and just being with them for the sake of being with them and not rush through to get to the other side. Lots of that crying for the past month or so, just because I need to and honoring where I am. Noticing more sitting with, being present with my clients and not feeling pushed to find a solution and move them through their emotions.”
Many were taught (men in particular) to withhold emotions, lest they are thought of as weak. My comment, when male clients talk about their early emotional education, is that we all have tear ducts. Sadly, some people heard the appalling adage, “Stop crying, or I’ll give you something to cry about.” Blessedly, I never heard that as I was growing up. It need not EVER be said to another child anywhere if the generational abuse patterns are broken.
Tears are an emotional deep clean, a release, a relief, a reset. They are often a sign that we have deeply loved someone or something and are grieving its loss or celebrating their or its presence in our lives. Folks in grief have shared that they don’t cry, lest they never stop. I assure them that they will eventually take a breather from crying, until the next time the wave arrives. I have sat with clients who cry afresh about losses/deaths have occurred years ago as if they are happening now. I remind them that tears are not only acceptable, but encouraged.
I used to cry at the drop of a hat, at Hallmark commercials, ads about animal cruelty, certain movies, and a particular Folgers commercial when a young man comes home from West Africa for a visit. I sometimes tear up while witnessing a majestic scene. Last week, there was a beautiful double rainbow that I came outside at the perfect time to see. I would hate to think that I have become self protectively stoic. I know that tears are available to me when they are called on.
“Don’t be ashamed to weep; ’tis right to grieve. Tears are only water, and flowers, trees, and fruit cannot grow without water. But there must be sunlight also. A wounded heart will heal in time, and when it does, the memory and love of our lost ones is sealed inside to comfort us.”
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
