Is your conversation starter doing you a disservice?
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It’s been a few weeks since my piece “He Asks If He Can Buy Her. Now What?” which on one level was about my wife’s experiences with ongoing harassment, but on a broader level raised some questions about initiating conversations with women respectfully. The article sparked a fair number of comments, most of which I was happy to see were, themselves, respectfully communicated. Still, I think there were some issues raised that merit further discourse. In other words, it’s a great conversation—let’s keep it going!
One thing most of us seem to agree on is that there’s a difference (maybe even a yawning chasm) between cat calling and genuinely trying to engage someone in conversation. Most of us also agree that shouting out at someone (be it at woman or man by a woman or a man) isn’t cool.
And yes, women can harass men. Men harass men. Women even harass each other.
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What’s interesting is that some people responded as if I had said that men shouldn’t talk to women they don’t know, period. Ever. “Just leave us alone!” somehow came across. Though some of the female commenters did in fact say that, what I was trying to do was provide a window into the world of someone who experiences being hit on to the level of harassment on a regular basis, and use that as a jumping off point to talk about how we interact with strangers we’d like to meet.
So where are the boundaries?
Is it okay to compliment someone on how they look? And if not, why?
I’m not the dating doctor. I’m not good with pickup lines.But I wonder if you should be, either.
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Frankly, if you’re trying to meet someone and the first thing you say something about their body or face, it implies that you’d like to be physical with them. To get some. I’m not saying that’s what you actually mean, but it is what’s implied.
So what? Is that wrong?
The question is not whether that’s “wrong.” It’s not my job to be the morality police. The question is: Is that what you want to communicate?
I think the vast majority of men who approach my wife and other women with compliments are just trying to break the ice. Yes, there are men out there just looking for sex. But there are loads who are genuinely looking for meaningful relationships. What their approach sometimes communicates is, “I like your body, and I’m speaking to you because of it.”
We live in a society in which people are more likely to have sex than an intimate conversation. We’re more likely to share bodily fluids than our hopes and fears. In the age of Tinder, it has become easier to locate one another, but harder to have meaningful relationships.
In spite of our thousands of online “friends,” we’re the loneliest we’ve ever been.
We’re getting painfully inadequate at connecting in person in meaningful ways, as human beings. I asked some friends via Facebook how they like to start conversations, and most of them went with something situational. “Boy, the line’s longer than usual today.” “That’s a great book. How are you liking it?” One friend responded, “How much does a polar bear weigh? [beat] Enough to break the ice!” Cute. Very cute.
As for my wife, she lives for meaningful conversation. A true introvert, she’s happy to dive into a conversation about the meaning of life. If you want to engage her, ask something like, “What do you think happens to our souls when we die?”
I’m not the dating doctor. I’m not good with pickup lines.But I wonder if you should be, either.
Think about starting a conversation by saying something that’s reflective of the kind of relationship you’re looking for.
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Yes, okay. Some women (or men) won’t want to talk to you regardless of how nice and genuinely engaged you are. They might even be rude about it. And we may never know why that is. But that’s on them. As my martial arts instructor used to say, “Just get on down the pike, Ike.”
I can empathize with guys who said they get upset when women won’t talk to them because they assume they’re “trying to get some.” As a woman who dates women, I’ve had trouble just having normal conversations with other women who are afraid I might be attracted to them. It happens. It sucks. I move on. There are other people to be friends with.
When you genuinely want to talk to a stranger, let go of talking about their looks (simply save it for when you know them better). And while you’re at it, let go of the goal. Let go of sex. Let go of a date. Even let go of friendship. Make the goal finding out a little about who they are. Find some equal footing as human beings. Simply acknowledge that your paths have crossed.
Most of us complain about not having enough real, meaningful relationships in our lives. But what are we doing to generate them? Plant the seed for the type of relationship you want. If it’s just sex, hey, go ahead and try saying something about his or her body (though I can’t guarantee it’ll go over well). But some of the best, most enduring romantic relationships started as friendships, and those had to start somewhere. It probably wasn’t with a pickup line.
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Photo: Alessandro Vali/Flickr
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I think the author nailed it when it was said to change one’s approach. You want to talk? Then talk. Say Hello. Know something about anything so you can start a conversation. (News, trivia, sports, clothes, jewelry, bags, drinks, furniture, spiders ANYTHING.) Take it from there. I will always give my time to a stranger if they make the effort and are genuine. I’m in a happy relationship and not looking for a love interest and will let the other person know that reasonably quickly if I think they are interested in me, so that they can choose to continue… Read more »
With rampant abuse of male privilege and sexual harassment I feel we should continue to discourage stranger interaction initiated by men. When many women are constantly harassed and frightened by men it’s no longer “on them” to make their lives better. The mixed messages found at TGMP are often disturbing.
You are right. Life would be so much better without the evil men in the world. They are all potential rapists or abusers and must be constantly watched.
And? Doesn’t mean they won’t be interested in your personality as the conversation develops. Can you see personality? Not really.
they may be interested in my personality later, but their personality has already turned me off so they won’t have that chance to see if they like my personality. I’ve gathered enough information on his personality by how he communicates. It’s actually clear to see.. you can SEE the clothes people chose to wear, wether they have their head stuck in a book or are searching the crowds for interesting people. You can SEE wether they engage in conversation or try to avoid it. You can see that they walk slowly and meander or that they are speed walking and… Read more »