Hey Wendy,
I’ve been married for a long time, and I’m struggling with a problem and would like your advice on how to talk to my husband about it.
There are times in my day when I’m focused on doing something, and my husband pops in and asks me important questions that would need my consideration, focus, dialogue, and decisions. He does this at times when I can’t hear him or remember what he said. It’s distracting, but I don’t want to hurt his feelings or cause him to feel like I’m putting him off or making him wrong. What should I do?
Heather F.
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Hey Heather,
It’s maddening, right? When a partner breaks our focus or blocks the flow between tasks, it’s like getting pulled into another world — their world. They don’t mean to do it on purpose; they just don’t notice they’re doing it.
You sound like a nice person who picked a good person who means well, so I appreciate your sensitivity around this subject.
A crystal-clear example of someone alerting their partner to their need for space and quiet time comes from our old friend, Carrie Bradshaw. Go ahead, take the two minutes to watch the genius of Carrie setting a boundary with Aidan with clarity and a ton of love.
You don’t need to be this bold, Heather.
You could be a lot gentler and say, “Hey. I love you and I want to hear you because I value what you say. {pause} Sometimes you ask me things when I can’t give you my full attention, like when I’m in the middle of sorting out my calendar — I just can’t hear you. Can we make a deal? Can I just raise my index finger high in the air (demo it), indicating a pause, and tell you the number of minutes it will take before I can turn my attention fully over to you?”
If he says, “Sure!” ask him, “Is there anything else I need to put around those words so ‘5 minutes’ doesn’t feel too abrupt or rude to you?”
He might need a please or thank you or something like that.
Let him know this new life hack goes both ways.
Now you might be wondering when the best time to have this conversation is. You could have it almost anytime — like over lunch. Or on a lazy Sunday afternoon. Probably not right before or after sex. Definitely not when he’s clearly focused on something else… My personal favorite time to have conversations like this is smack in the middle of a full moon ritual.
What’s a full moon ritual? you ask.
It’s the monthly family meeting where you check in on your partnership.
Have you noticed there’s never a good time to talk about uncomfortable things (like this!)?
And often we don’t have the opportunity to ask for things we need at a time when everyone is focused, listening, and serious about what’s being said.
So once a month simply ask each other a set of 14 questions. The questions never change.
Example: #4 “Is there anything you’re not speaking up about to maintain the current situation?”
Your predicament would slide in nicely there, yes?
If you’d like the context on how to set one up and get all 14 questions, you can fetch them for free here.
Good luck!
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean? | My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence |
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