Are we ready for a non-monogamous society? Rebecca Gould shares her thoughts.
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We live in a monogamous age. With the demise of the nuclear familiar and the increasing recognition granted to alternative sexualities, that age is slowly coming to an end.
In a non-monogamous world, women will not squander their lives trying to find the perfect man.
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When justice Anthony Kennedy concluded the United States’ Supreme Court ruling legally recognizing gay marriage with the claim that “No union is more profound than marriage,” he captured the spirit of the times, but he missed the pulse of the future. The Supreme Court’s expansion of the meaning of marriage beyond heterosexual relations was a step in the right direction, but the real triumph, for men and women alike, will come only when marriage itself is dissolved.
Many unions are more profound than marriage, including the forms of heterosexual and homosexual love that marriage validates. Love precedes marriage, and in a non-monogamous world, it will not require the validation of the state.
In a non-monogamous world, men will not fear the men against whom they now compete for partners. Courtship rituals will become less codified than they are now, and women will become equal partners with men in the search for love. They will enjoy the same flexibility as men do with regard to sexual relations, and men will feel less pressured to define themselves as what women are not.
In a non-monogamous world, women will not squander their lives trying to find the perfect man. Intimacy will be an ever-present possibility, and the biological clock will not overdetermine the life trajectory.
In a non-monogamous world, it will be harder to conflate love with the ego, and more difficult to use others to hide from ourselves.
Where monogamy is seen as an aberration rather than the norm, hypocrisy will have less room to fester.
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Differences between men and women will become less regimented and people will be free to identify with the gender that most suits them in a given moment.
In a non-monogamous world, there will be less security. But there will also be less taking-the-other-for-granted.
Will a non-monogamous give us better lives than our heteronormative society does? New arrangements will have to be made for children, but non-monogamy will not suit everyone. But those who are at present excluded from our monogamous society will for the first time be able to be themselves.
Where monogamy is seen as an aberration rather than the norm, hypocrisy will have less room to fester.
Are these predictions the product of a utopian mind?
Non-monogamy will generate new difficulties—as it has throughout human history—but on balance men and women would both be better off if left free to explore their sexuality with multiple partners, outside the bonds, and illusions, fostered by monogamy’s law.
“Looks like social media on the skeptical side of monogamy which is indexing at only 48% positive. From the sentiment expressions people are using the societal staple may be in trouble.” — Howard K. 360db
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My problem is that it is so difficult to find anyone who I connect with physically and emotionally, who is a decent person who I like and respect and who meets my needs and makes me laugh and feel safe and who is willing to accept my love… It is hard enough to find that one person, the thought of having to find multiple people who I can love and who love me, ugh, the pressure of that is overwhelming! 🙂
First, the author is conflating marriage and monogamy. They are not the same thing. Marriage is a state-recognized social contract that comes with rights and obligations. Although one of the common underlying assumptions of marriage is exclusivity, it is not necessarily so; you can be married and not monogamous or monogamous but not married. Second, while it is attractive to think of monogamy as some current social obsession, but there is a lot of research that provides biological evidence for monogamy or at least what they call serial monogamy (periods of monogamy before changing partners) and what they call social… Read more »
In general I’m a fan of “as long as everybody consents to what is happening…” That said, while I think non-monogamy will probably become more common in the future, I dont think it will every become the majority. Nor do I think monogamy will cease to exist. I know polyamorous people like to paint this wonderful utopia where there’s free love and everybody is just all sunshine and roses with each other. I’ve tried it. It doesn’t work that way generally. Can some people make it work? Of course, but most people probably wouldn’t. And frankly I’m a little sick… Read more »