Marriage is not rocket science. The principles it’s based on are really pretty simple. Kindness. Respect. Loyalty. That kind of thing.
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24 years of marriage.
That’s what last Saturday meant for me.
We had celebrated earlier so I didn’t remember until I was driving to work. I called him. Told him I loved him. I got grocery store flowers when I got home. Beautifully arranged by the way.
What ever did we do without grocery store flowers?
Between being a marital therapist and my own experience, I have learned a few things. Since I am on year #24, I’ve divided them into 12’s. Just to be cute.
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12 thing that marriage is not:
1) Marriage is not for the weak. It’s hard work.
2) Marriage is not about getting what you want all the time. It’s not a dictatorship. It’s not wanting to win all the time because that would mean the other person would lose all the time. Maybe okay for you. Not good for the marriage.
3) Marriage is not rocket science. The principles it’s based on are really pretty simple. Kindness. Respect, Loyalty. That kind of thing.
4) Marriage is not unfashionable. Even Brangelina finally got married. (Whew. Wasn’t that a relief. Marriage is finally “in” again.)
5) Marriage is not in and of itself stimulating. Since you are with the same person over a long time, the two of you can get in a rut. You have to keep things fresh.
6) Marriage is not about collecting things. The joys of marriage aren’t tangible. You live them. That’s what makes them so very special.
7) Marriage is not for the impatient. Some of the best stuff takes a while to develop. You have to stick around to find that out.
8) Marriage is not the place for criticism. For abuse. If it is found there, it will ruin any chance of true intimacy or trust and dissolve the hope that once might have existed.
9) Marriage is not a 24 hour repair shop. Your marital partner is not supposed to meet your every need. Some of those needs you may have to take care of yourself. Through your friendships or other activities.
10) Marriage is not self-sustaining. It does not thrive on its own. If all you focus on is the kids, you are making a mistake.
11) Marriage is not boring. Two lives woven together can be quite exciting. There’s just something about watching someone very different from you, living their life in an extremely different way. Up close and personal. You learn from that.
12) Marriage is not without conflict. Knowing how to disagree and work through anger and disappointment is probably the key to lots of stuff going well. Getting to that cooperating, mentioned in #2.
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12 things that marriage is:
1) Marriage is the potential for an intense, deep and diverse intimacy. Sexual. Emotional. Relational.
2) Marriage is knowing someone has your back. Always. You have theirs. It’s about interdependence.
3) Marriage is realizing that you have been seen in your worst times, and that you are still loved. There’s an overriding sense of gratitude and security.
4) Marriage is sharing old jokes. Or some story that may be told over and over but it still makes you laugh til you are left gasping for breath.
5) Marriage is getting teary-eyed together.
6) Marriage is thinking about the other one not being there anymore. And not being able to think about it.
7) Marriage is getting irritated by the things that always irritate you. Have irritated you for 24 years. Will irritate you for 24 more. And tolerating it because it is way over-balanced by the good stuff.
8) Marriage is not being able to wait to get home to share some little something.
9) Marriage is wishing you were the one having the operation. Or the illness. Not him.
10) Marriage is sometimes fighting. Trying to slowly learn to fight more fairly. To apologize. To listen. To learn. To find resolution.
11) Marriage is about vulnerability. Giving someone the right to hurt or disappoint you. While simultaneously giving that someone the opportunity to bring you tremendous joy and laughter.
12) Marriage is a promise. A vow. To try the hardest you have ever tried in your life. Marriage is a place for the achievement of a personal integrity like no other.
I’m now living year #25.
So far. So good.
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This post originally appeared at drmargaretrutherford.com and is republished on Medium. Reprinted with permission.
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Photo credit: iStock
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Editor’s note: we have changed the title and the first point because we recognize the problem with the original word choice of “sissy” as a derogative. We recognize the oppressive history this word has for men (and women) and appreciate the readers who drew our attention to the problem.
Great Article! Yes yes yes. Would love to see this being taught in marriage prep courses…and premarriage counselling….
And if you don’t recognize your relationship in any of the 12 points about what marriage is, you know you did the right thing to call it off before you ended up getting married, right?
Well. Come to think of it FlyingKal, I guess so. I don’t think anyone else has made a comment to that effect! Never thought of it being pre-marital advice but I suppose it is… thanks!
So why is marriage becoming less and less popular? I love being married.
I think divorce statistics can be confusing. And I know that they (like all other stats) can be skewed in meaning. It’s interesting you say that marriage is becoming less popular. I read in one article where more people are divorced or single but in another, where couples who wait until they are a little older to marry seem to be far less at risk for divorce. None of that of course speaks to the idea of whether or not those marriages are healthy – and the people within them, happy. Not everyone is willing or capable of doing the… Read more »
12) Marriage is a promise. A vow. To try the hardest you have ever tried in your life. Marriage is a place for the achievement of a personal integrity like no other.
Yes, yes, and YES! Twenty.5 years for my husband and me. It hasn’t always been pretty, but we’ve very recently gotten through a particularly long and rough patch, and I’m so very happy to see his dimples again. If we didn’t both share the same level of commitment and loyalty to each other and to the family we’ve built together, I don’t think we would have made it.
I feel that too Kim. After two failed marriages, I didn’t think I was marriage material. I had to figure out what I was bringing to the table that was all wrong. But even doing that, marriage is hard. And that loyalty is vital. Thanks so much for writing and sharing a bit of your own story.