Millenials Are Dating Younger Guys

I landed on a black volcanic escape from reality, in a whirlwind of lightness of being, serenity of mind, readiness for a long needed vacation. My friends were awaiting for my arrival and I spent the first day listening to their love lives, one inexistent and the other in a deep mess, thinking how lucky I felt about not even having so much as a crush at the moment.

My mind felt like a blue sky with little blobs of whip cream shaped clouds, the ones you paint in your dreams just to feel even more calm than a blue sky with nothing in it. Serene.

Nothing, I thought, can shake this feeling of happiness.

That’s when I receive a message on Instagram.

Hey, are you in Lanzarote?

I am — have we met?

I saw you on Raya

Oh hi, nice to meet you — you should come for a day at the beach with us.

I quickly stalk his profile, he’s a professional sailor, clearly a bit younger but extremely good looking and also aggressive looking in his athletic career. The photos, the videos, wow.

Will you take me sailing?

Let’s meet first.

Sure, perhaps later today.

What are you looking for on Raya?

Well, not on Raya but in general in life — a beautiful big love, or a spectacular adventure.

Perfect. He replies.

With the girls, we head to a deejay set. Sunset, port, people dancing, a gin and tonic or two, perfect.

We spot a guy and we decide he looks just like J. It must be him. Yet he never comes and talks to me — he must not have liked me in real life! In the meantime, I spot J on Raya and discover he is in fact 27 years old.

No point in meeting him, he’s way too young, he’s F’s age!

Just when we think this random guy is him J messages me to meet. I tell him I won’t, that it’s late that it doesn’t make any sense. He insists and the girls also insist he comes meet us at the parking lot before going home.

I walk towards him to say hi before meeting the girls.

He’s as tall as me — 5’10’’, strong, cuter in real life than in the photos, dark profound eyes, dark hair, Spanish, extremely confident in a secure non cocky way.

He’s wearing a t-shirt and shorts, Tom’s, and he handles the three of us dressed in complete evening wear with complete wit and class.

My friends begin to make jokes, to tease him, to provoke him, so inconvenient all I can do it have a little laugh and hope he survives the attacks.

One of them even starts hitting on him.

He responds like a 50 year old guy would, grounded, calm, collected, funny, secure.

Wow. I’m impressed.

J, sorry, how old are you? I ask

Guess — he responds.

26 — My friend guesses.

Yes!

At this point I’m a bit confused as Raya said 27 but as we never matched there and it was just an action of my stalker self I avoid making any further comments.

He presses his leg against mine and I press mine right back into his.

The girls hop in the car as he says ‘Drive me back to the hotel I’ll pick A up’ and proceeds to lift me onto his lap into the Suzuky Jimmy.

My friend starts shouting that it’s dangerous for the police and that we should walk. It’s a two minute walk unfortunately and they say they’ll pick me up in front of his hotel.

The minute they drive off he takes my head in his hand, his arm pulling me closer and he passionately kisses me.

I’m more impressed by the minute.

I’m too old for you, I say.

No you’re not.

Yes, we have too much of an age difference, I re-iterate.

I don’t see what the problem is. Please stay, let’s take a walk and I’ll take you back in a taxi.

No. I’m going home I cannot today.

We kiss deeply a heartfelt goodnight.

Neither of us wanted to leave.

Perhaps I was a little bit naughty. Or just curious. Who’s to say.

A few days later my mom was coming and I would be moving with her to a different hotel. We had one extra night and I decided to book the hotel he was staying at.

Please come to my room. We don’t have to do anything I’m just exhausted. He said.

Okay.

I was also so tired.

I walked into the door, he immediately nailed me to the closet and kissed me. Lifted me on the bed and wrapped around me started sweetly undressing me. I was sitting on top of him when my white, long dress came off.

Sei bellissima. He said.

Things took off quite quickly and I said J, is this a good idea? But he held me exactly in the same place wanting to please me and I literally couldn’t move a muscle, he was so strong.

I like it and I really liked him.

Hai un corpo bellissimo (you have a beautiful body). He said.

I really like you too.

He knew exactly what he was doing. He was one of the best sexual encounters I have had in my whole life.

And so young, 26.

We talked and talked. He asked me so many questions about myself despite being so exhausted and was so incredibly sweet in snuggling me until we fell asleep tightly buckled into his arms.

He insisted I sleep there, but I knew I had to leave at some point to meet my mom. He kept holding me tight the entire night in his arms, even when fast asleep. I snuggled him to sleep.

It’s the best evening I’ve had in months. He said.

I snuck out at 4am, dress inside out, crossed the hotel and got in bed with my mom.

Oooooops.

Little did I know, that would be the last time I would ever see him.

He tried to see me the next nights, but always late as he was working. I didn’t quite catch that the reason was work and I felt like a bootycall so I called him out on it.

Thank you, J but this is just not for me. I told you on day one I’m not the right person for a one night stand.

Oh my gosh me neither, please believe me, that’s also not what I want at all.

He proceeded to send me a super sweet voice note saying he thought I was beautiful and smart and funny and simply amazing.

Forgiven.

I probably shouldn’t believe everything people say because in truth I didn’t see this enormous amount of effort in seeing me again. I’m not sure how much of it was due to work and how much of it was him not wanting to because he was exhausted but I know with certainty that I would have gone out of my way to go before 11pm.

Aging in reverse

I’ve never truly understood the point of lying about your age. In theory I get it, you want to appear closer to the age desirable to the other person but, especially if you’re somewhat of a public figure or a professional athlete or if you’re planning to see the person again, it truly makes no sense.

As my spectacular peace was substituted by my obsessive part wearing pink lenses wondering (fully knowing this couldn’t be the case) if I was missing out on the best guy of my life, J proceeded to live his life without me, unbothered. Meanwhile, I was more and more bothered so I decided to do a little online research about him.

Claude — He’s 23 years old.

He can’t be, I quickly contest, Raya says he’s 27!

If he’s 27 then it’s not him. Claude replies.

Well I’m sure it’s him, I met him!

He’s not 27, he’s 23.

We started from 27, we moved to 26, and just when I didn’t think it could get any worse, he turned 23. In my mind, he aged in reverse. I could effectively have been his teen mom.

I am way too old for this guy, yet he was much more of a man, much more of an adult than most men I have met in their 50’s.

So why was I so irrevocably attached to someone who clearly could not give me anything I need? Why was my mind going nuts in dreaming about a guy who couldn’t by any means possible flip his life around and become my husband?

I am, looking for a husband, right?

As I fly over the ocean heading home, I thought I would recap hat I’ve learned about the love I want.

Each man in my life taught me a lot about what kind of love I want to welcome into my life, what kind of love I need for that relationship to be the right one at this stage of life.

J, in some way, truly help me see a bit more clearly.

Here’s what I have discovered:

Any man before F, never truly showed up for me in the way in which I needed. F taught me that I need someone who is eager, excited and happy to take care of me. He taught me that I can rely on someone and simultaneously know that I am self sufficient.

‘We both know you’re an independent woman, but right now you are with me and I am going to take care of you’.

‘It’s very difficult to know what you want and need because you never express it’.

‘I think I don’t because I’m so projected into what others may need that most of the time I have no idea of what my actual needs are’.

‘That’s okay, I will figure them out.’

He held me and I was home.

Everything that fellt like a weight with anyone else felt like a pleasure with him. He never found me too much, too heavy, too demanding.

‘Anything you need you tell me. If you wake up in the middle of the night and you’re cold you wake me up and I will cover you. I’ve got you. In my eyes you’re never annoying or too spoiled.’

I’ve never experienced this level of care before, and not from a man who I feel truly understood all the different facets of me and loved every single one.

This leads me to the second point: I need someone who loves the fact that I am multifaceted and who is my true champion. My level of creativity and entrepreneurial spirit requires support, not extra challenge, the world already presents us with so much challenge constantly and I am extremely resilient but just for once, just at home, just the man I love and who loves me, that man should trust me when I am incapable of trusting myself, I need him to cheer me on, to be excited about my successes with me. I will always do so with them.
Sun. I need someone who brings the sun, not only constant rain and problems and complaining and sadness. Often sunny people are the ones with the deepest darkest side, and I am happy to welcome that side too, but would absolutely love to be with someone who most days feels like sunshine walked into the room, who is capable of seeing the bright side of life, who can embrace emotions and even at difficult times is capable of being grateful for the luck we have.
Financial wellness. I am 39, I did well for myself, I have dated numerous men who are not as financially wealthy. It is not about the wealth, it’s about the intellectual stimulus, it’s about the financial independence, it’s about knowing how to manage money, how to make it, how to get yourself out of a rut should things not go well but it’s also about having put yourself in a safe position to provide for a family if you want one. I am sick and tired of providing for men, if you want the woman to feel like a woman you should at least have the desire to take care of her financially. I probably wouldn’t let them, but I would appreciate the thought, like my dad did for my mom. Also, I want to be able to enjoy this next chapter in life, have similar means so that we can share amazing moments. I have bootstrapped long enough.
Finally, J taught me in just one night the importance of a grounded energy, of prioritizing what’s actually important, of taking care of one self. He truly took care of himself. Yes, this was to a detriment to ‘us’, but I did appreciate that he is a professional athlete, that he knows what he’s doing, that he has responsibilities, that he is working hard. I loved his grounded, strong, stable energy and I wish I had it around every single day. That makes me think that I want to work in sports, tennis and sailing.
Someone who takes care of themselves mentally and physically. When we approach our 40’s, people go insane on crazy workouts, marathons, Ironman. I don’t need any of this but I would like someone who finds pleasure in being healthy because it’s the calling card for a beautiful future. You can’t build an amazing family, especially at this age, if you don’t take care of yourself.

…

Sometimes I wonder if there are still single, 30-something year olds, who have the fire within, who want to keep learning growing, teaching, giving back, traveling, discovering. I wonder if there are more people like I am who still feel the need to discover so much of the world and contribute to building a sustainable future for all of us, who think a bit beyond themselves.

I know there are and I am so looking for them. We must be here, somewhere.

My personal take on dating younger (as a reformed contrarian):

I totally get the Millenial younger craze. It’s not because the guys are younger or hotter, but because they still put in the effort, they go out of their way to make us feel appreciated, they are gentlemen, they are romantic, they are eager, they treat us like women and they don’t take us for granted nor do they make us feel like we are in the ‘old lady’ shelf. They appreciate our directness and clarity, they appreciate that we are so grateful for them putting themselves out there and for truly trying to take care of us and plan dates and moments together. You make us feel seen and appreciated.

Yes, of course I am generalizing, but the experiences I’ve had have been by far more positive than all the attempts at dating age appropriate men recently. We must recognize the incredible effort these guys put into themselves and the woman they date.

If you are younger and reading my blog, please, if you meet the right person, jump in. You don’t want to wait this long. Everything becomes increasingly complicated despite what you see on social media.

Younger guys, you get my vote.

This said, unfortunately, I can’t wait to share my life with someone who is also ready, available and willing. And, ideally, age appropriate.

I read somewhere that at each birthday we add a year, however that we still have all the previous years within us.

We are still 18, 19, 20, 28, 31…and I still feel all of those ages.

I love diving into my different ages.

Whereas with F I decided to stay in my age and he rose to meet me, with J we matched somewhere different. I loved feeling like a 20 year old for a few days, and how painful it was to be reminded that however much I’d like to be, I’m not.

Is my pre-40 panic already starting to emerge?