It’s long past time to address a moral dereliction in our country. Values are at stake. Children are at risk. The ethical fiber of our society will be threadbare if we don’t act soon.
I’m speaking, of course, about the incidence of left-handedness in America. And about our tacit acceptance of the abomination.
The notion that two left-handers should be allowed to marry is frankly repulsive. All biologically normal people are right-handed. If we allow left-handers to join in wedlock, then what next? Hedgehogs? The privileges of marriage—inheritance, joint health insurance, ICU visits, social security benefits, etc.—should be reserved for right-handers alone.
If two left-handers raise a child, the risk is high the child will turn out to be left-handed. Are we willing to live with this risk? I’m not.
Read Genesis 13:9: Separate thyself, I pray thee, from me: if thou wilt take the left hand, then I will go to the right. Is this not evidence enough that God Himself condemns left-handers?
I propose a constitutional amendment bestowing rights exclusively to right-handers. Left-handers should not be allowed to marry, vote, ride the front of the bus, or drink out of “Right-Handers Only” drinking fountains. The military should institute a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy toward left-handers. Implements adjusted for left-handers—scissors, guitars, golf clubs, and the like—should be outlawed.
Left-handers shouldn’t be issued driver’s licenses. Driver’s licenses are, by any wholesome definition, for right-handed people only. Instead I suggest a parallel “civil motor vehicle operating permit,” one that would grant left-handers the same privileges regarding right-of-way, parking, etc. Since left-handers technically would be able to do anything a properly licensed driver could do, they should have no cause for complaint.
The government should provide funding for “reparative therapy,” i.e., for methods of converting left-handers to right-handers. Some of this therapy, such as beating a pillow with a tennis racket while screaming like a banshee, has met with promising results. The rituals of exorcism show potential as well.
We are all God’s children. But not all of us are God’s favorite children. Just as some people are tempted to cheat on their spouses, and they resist in deference to the better angels of their nature, so should left-handers resist reaching for objects with the left hand whenever temptation strikes.
—
This Post is republished on Medium.
—
Photo credit: iStock
