Relationships are multifaceted and complex. Arguments over infidelity, step-families, money, sex, in-laws, children, drug and alcohol abuse, illness, job loss, and a variety of other stressors can spark a war with devastating consequences.
While some minor issues can be resolved by a couple who is willing to cooperate and work hard to make things better, many more difficult situations are more difficult to resolve. Marriage therapy, also known as couple’s counseling, is a valuable tool that can potentially help pull the couple out of its troubled situation in such circumstances.
My marriage was in trouble 32 years ago. After dating for less than a year, we had recently married. My now-current husband was granted sole custody of his seven-year-old son, and the relationship took an immediate hit only two weeks into dating. I had a son around the same age from a previous marriage. Things quickly became difficult. As is common in stepfamilies, our new foursome soon divided into two camps: my husband and his son, and me and my son. Nobody knew how to deal with the escalating familial crisis.
We attempted, but failed, to resolve the blended family problem on our own. When our third child arrived, things got even worse. We were on the verge of divorce when we decided to try marriage therapy. The therapist worked with us, assisting us in understanding what was going on and providing us with a variety of techniques for dealing with our specific conditions. She normalized our experience and taught us how to communicate more effectively. A year later, we were doing much better and were able to discontinue our bi-weekly sessions, taking with us a set of highly effective tools to help us in the future.
In fact, I was so moved by our success that I decided to pursue a career as a Marriage and Family Therapist myself.
What Exactly Is Marriage Therapy?
Marriage therapy, in its most basic form, is a helpful avenue provided by a trained and unbiased professional. Relationships are the focus of a Marriage and Family Therapist. They assist couples and families in navigating their most toxic impasses by:
- Processing and reframing what is said
- Assisting them in developing more effective communication skills
- Helping them see what isn’t always obvious to the parties involved
- Providing effective approaches that aid in creating a genuine shift in the relationship
Marriage counselors can be a lifeline for a couple in trouble.
For example, in our blended family, my husband and I thought one of our sons was the issue. The therapist explained that the family’s infrastructure is built on the strength and unity of the couple, and if that foundation isn’t strong and solid, the children will frequently misbehave.
That helped us see things from a different angle. We shifted our attention away from our acting-out child and toward our relationship. We started moving forward in a more positive direction once we identified the problem. That ultimately saved our marriage.
How Do You Know If You Need Marriage Therapy?
If you and your partner have been struggling with the same issue for a long time without reaching a resolution, you may benefit from couple’s counseling. A trained and objective third party can be helpful in reviving the relationship.
Some distressed couples prefer to work on their relationship without the interference of others. Typically, one of the partners believes that their problems are none of their concern. As a result, their problems are constantly replayed.
Consider a Ferris wheel. Consider one of your most pressing issues sitting in one of the bottom carts. It’s there, front and center, then it vanishes for a moment, only to reappearance. Without the proper assistance, the problem does not go away; it simply circles ‘round and ‘round, which is why couples have the same fight over and over again.
Most people lack the necessary understanding to understand what is going on in their relationship. They may see the obvious surface layer and believe it is the actual problem, but they lack the vision to see the obscured underlying issue. Jeff Auerbach, Ph.D. explains The 30/70 Split in his book, Irritating the Ones You Love. This, he claims,
“…refers to the fact that our reactions are influenced by both immediate events and pre-existing areas of sensitivity. The 30/70 Split reminds us which is which; roughly 30% of total reactions are about what just happened, while the other 70% are the result of childhood feelings, or Jars, being activated.”
A marriage therapist can assist in determining the underlying issue and guiding the couple in the right direction.
There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. When two people come together, it’s not just them; it’s their parents, siblings, history (good, bad, or indifferent), traditions, and everything else they’ve accumulated along the way. In any relationship, there is usually a battle over who will “win.”
Assume Jane, who recently married, has always celebrated Christmas Eve with her family. Her new husband, John, has always spent Christmas Eve with his family. What happens next? There will be a conflict if both Jane and John dig in their heels at this point. However, suppose Jane agrees, saying, “It’s okay, I’ll see my family another day.” Despite her efforts to please John, she may be resentful of missing Christmas Eve with her family.
There is the possibility of hurt and buried feelings here. In these kinds of situations, there is almost never a winner. Even if it appears that one side won — say, John’s — Jane may be left with resentment and bitterness. As a result, no one actually wins.
What to Expect When You Begin Therapy
Assume you and your partner agree to go to marriage counseling. The situation has gotten so bad that you both believe only a trained professional can assist you. That is a wise first step. Once you begin therapy, it is critical that you:
1. MAKE GOALS
What is the significance of this? To get somewhere, you must first know where you are and where you want to go. Setting a goal is analogous to entering your destination into Google Maps.
You can do this when your therapist asks you what the presenting problem is (where you are) and what you’d like to work on specifically (where you want to go). This is the time to discuss what is currently bringing you to counseling and how you would like to see your relationship progress.
Assume, for example, that John arrives home late every night. He gets so caught up in his work that he forgets Jane is waiting at home with dinner on the table. She is enraged when he finally returns home. “You’re late yet again!” Dinner is also cold! “You are such a jerk!” she exclaims. “It’s no wonder I don’t want to come home; you’re always nagging me!” John might respond.
In the preceding example, a goal might be for John to try to get home by 6:00 p.m. three evenings per week. On other nights, Jane could simply reheat his food, sit with him while he eats, and ask about his day. The goal is important because if it is not met, the couple and their therapist can investigate what went wrong. It’s a starting point from which to move forward.
2. DETERMINE PRIORITIES
What is valuable to one partner might not be valuable to the other. Compromises are frequently required in order to move a relationship out of neutral. When each person expresses what they truly need, the other partner must listen and make adjustments so that both parties feel heard and understood.
Perhaps the priority for John, who may be a Type-A personality, is to complete the majority of his work before leaving the office. For Jane, who is very family-oriented, it could be spending more quality time with her husband.
Sharing these priorities with one another will result in a better understanding for all parties involved. Working together with the couple, the marriage therapist can help pinpoint the source of the problem and what can be done to achieve marital success.
Knowing what your relationship’s goals and priorities are is like having a road map. It can always be used as a starting point.
NOTE: Goals and priorities will almost certainly change as the relationship progresses. Perhaps the goal for a newlywed couple is to go on exciting date nights every few days. Spending every weekend with close friends may be a top priority. That may change as the couple grows together. After a few years, the goal may shift to staying at home, snuggling up with their favorite shows. As it stands, their friendships may take a back seat. Instead of every weekend, maybe once a month is sufficient.
WARNING: When children enter the picture, priorities usually flip 180 degrees.
Goals and priorities are essential for making the marriage work in a more loving and respectful manner.
But what if the relationship is beyond repair?
What if, no matter how good the marriage therapist is, the marriage cannot be saved?
Marriage therapy cannot rekindle a marriage in some rare cases. Sometimes troubled couples must wait. And then wait. It’s almost too late by the time they reach the tipping point. As a “last resort,” a couple came to me. They’d already filed for divorce, and each had their own lawyer. I didn’t have much hope for the couple because there was far too much water under that bridge.
Even though not all marriages can be saved, a marriage therapist can sometimes facilitate a graceful divorce. This is a must if there are children involved. Breakups do occur. Recognize, however, that they do not have to be disastrous, hateful, or vindictive. Things don’t always work out; people fall out of love or simply grow apart.
Last Thoughts
Couples counseling is generally beneficial to a troubled couple. It could be the lifeline they require. Couples must, however, be open to change and willing to put in the necessary effort. People develop intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, and in other ways, so flexibility and open lines of communication are beneficial.
If your relationship is in trouble, know that there is help available. Do not rely on your own limited knowledge. You and your partner may be too engrossed in the ongoing drama to see a better way.
But there is an alternative. All you have to do is reach for it.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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