A friend of mine and I were talking about men’s views of virginity, and she was like “gosh, well, it’s not like you have a masculism blog where you can discuss this topic and gather a variety of opinions from actual men” and I was like “Oh, right.”
My scattered thoughts on male virginity:
- I think it’s a source of shame for a lot of men that they’re virginal. Men are supposed to be able to get women, right? Masculinity, for a lot of people, especially young people, is tied up in promiscuous sexuality, and men who are locked out of that might have self-esteem and self-worth issues, particularly sexual self-esteem and self-worth issues.
- The Myth of Men Not Being Hot is particularly bad for men who have little or no evidence they’ve ever been sexually desirable.
- There are a lot more men than one would predict from gender stereotypes who are saving their virginity for a committed, meaningful relationship with someone they love. Casual sex is something a lot of guys don’t want, and that’s awesome for them.
- Men who are saving themselves for marriage get teased a ton.
- If a virgin guy says something like “of course I want casual sex, all men want casual sex” at any point in the virginity-loss proceedings, it is almost certain that he has put no actual thought into whether he’d like the reality of casual sex and whether he’s going to fall in love with the person he’s sleeping with two seconds after he comes. This I have learned from sad experience.
- Virginal men, especially if they don’t have romantic relationships, are often touch-starved. There is one acceptable way for men to get touched: sexually. Casual cuddles with friends are Not Allowed. Woo, homophobia!
- A lot of virginal men have very large anxieties about sexual performance and the size of their penes, leading to an inability to come or maintain an erection. I’ve honestly never experienced a premature ejaculation, but that might also have to do with anxiety.
- “Virginity” is defined as not having had penis-in-vagina intercourse. (Anal sex is not “real” sex, but it’s rare, in my experience, that anal occurs before PIV sex for inexperienced people.) Oral sex is just “messing around.” I find this bizarre.
What do you guys think?