Multiple Inches of Love

Once upon a time, for a hot minute, I thought I had a huge dong.

I don’t think I have a small penis. I mean, I’ve stared at it all of my life. I can wrap my fingers around it, so I know it’s not of Sasquatch proportions. There are inches there, multiple inches, of love. I’d say it would make a nice cigar. I have been given the standard statement I think most women tell men who are small to average size, that I’m “just right.” Like the bowl of porridge Goldilocks most preferred. I imagine men who are prodigiously gifted are told the same thing, just to keep their ego in check. Maybe during sex, these women also say “Slower! Stop stabbing me in the guts!” I wouldn’t know. I just know that once upon a time, for a hot minute, I thought I had a huge dong.

Men are obsessed with the size of their penis. We tell ourselves that it’s women who are obsessed, and while a penis can make an impression, the old saying applies: “It’s not the size of the boat, it’s the motion of the ocean”—which is possibly the worst metaphor ever that also describes something perfectly. If my penis is the boat, then is the rest of my body the ocean? Who is the woman in this metaphor? Because I’m both the boat and the ocean, right? So that means the woman is … the sky? Or is she on the boat? The boat is taking her somewhere, so the size doesn’t matter, but will the motion make her sick? I have no idea.

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The cellphone camera is the worst thing to ever happen to man’s obsession with his junk. Any man’s penis can look huge with the help of this terribly little device. Just find the right angle, click, and abracadabra, mammoth wang. There is nothing wrong with two consenting adults eroticizing cold digital gizmos and sending each other tantalizingly sexy snaps. But if you’re a woman who has ever received a pic of your man’s junk, you have to know that the moment before he sent it, he stared at his genital self-portrait with pride and thought, This is thunder made flesh.

Men have no perspective when it comes to the size of their penises. Our dongs are never as big or as small as we think they are. Take your average belligerent drunk at a bar. Is he overcompensating because he has a small penis? Or is he overconfident because he has a big penis? Does hulking out send excess testosterone and skin to a small penis? Can a big penis unzip itself and punch an opponent unconscious? That same drunk will pick a fight with a smaller guy he thinks he can beat or a larger dude he thinks he can beat, and in both instances, he will probably lose because he’s drunk and ninjas come in all sizes.

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The first penis I ever saw was monstrous. It was one of those moments as a boy when I realized I wasn’t a little baby anymore, and that one day, I would be an adult. My father walked out of the shower naked as I was in the bathroom and I saw his gigantic, hairy penis. I was terrified, because that was my inheritance right there: a grown man’s wee-wee. Did my dad have a big penis? You’ll have to ask my mom. I’m sure it was “just right.” But when the first penis that you see that isn’t yours is a frightening tube that dwarfs your tiny dinghy, then your sense of size is thrown off for your entire life.

There was a jock in Junior High School who would bully kids smaller than him. This dimwitted beast would strut around the gym locker-room snapping towels at those of us who’d wear our underwear into the shower. He was muscular and tall and he was all mushroom cap and no shaft. Go figure. In college, I had a roommate who was a skinny, long-haired hippie and just the nicest guy ever. When he’d get drunk, though, and stumble back to our dorm room, he had a habit of stripping completely naked. One night, I got up to go to the bathroom and he was standing there in the buff, trying to free a Twinkie from its wrapper. This quiet, gentle soul had a penis like a tomahawk missile.

The woman I lost my virginity to in college had lost her virginity to her high school boyfriend. I knew going in that meant that she would be more of an expert on penises and sex than me. I was intimidated that she had experience, and would be disappointed with whatever awkward fumbling would soon be imminent. Pornography is an insufficient educational tool. From the get-go, I basically advertised my sexual ignorance. I had never put a condom on before, and I couldn’t fit the rubber over the head of my penis. I looked up at her, embarrassed. “I’m … I’m too big?” I tried to unroll the latex coin, but it wouldn’t give. She giggled and showed me that I had to pinch the receptacle nubbin. Then she did and rolled the condom down my erection. “You’re the perfect size,” she said, and I believed her.

[John DeVore writes "The Mind of Man" for The Frisky. Follow him on Twitter.]

(Photo via cheesy42)

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More from Sex Week at the Good Men Project:

Hugo Schwyzer: Mythbusting Bisexual Men

Amanda Marcotte: What Women Don’t Tell You

Emily Heist Moss: Does Size Matter?

Ed Fell: 10 Secrets to Satisfying Sex

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Comments

  1. I’ve never been with a man who wasn’t “the perfect size”. Were they all the same size? Probably not, but I never asked them to measure. They all had penises the size of the penis that was about to have sex with me, which was what made it perfect.

  2. I agree with lovesickrobot – with only a few exceptions, every man I’ve allowed into my panties has been “just right” in his own way. (Exceptions include one unfortunate soul with diagnosed micropenis syndrome, and his polar opposite, who was what I later deemed “practical joke big” – as in, as big as one of those practical joke dongs used at bachelorette parties. AKA Mr. Ouch.)

    I’ve always been of the belief that “What good is a Cadillac if you don’t know how to drive it?” Penis size is only one of the variables that make up a lover – and to be honest, it really isn’t even in the top ten. Personally speaking, I cannot have an orgasm through “normal” intercourse, so although I do enjoy being, er, filled, as it were, it truly does not matter what size your package is, but rather, what skills you bring along with the equipment. An imaginative, thoughtful lover with an “average” package is much more appreciated than a bumbling fool who’s hung like a tree trunk.

    tl;dr: Cock is nice, but a connection is much better.

  3. That’s real sweet of you to say ladies. It really is. Women have been trained to say this all their lives. I really believe they think the sky will open up and they’ll be struck with lightning if they sat the truth. I guess nearly 5 million of them by Playgirl Magizene every month to read the articles. I think there’s a 9″ minumum to get your pic in there. Listen, I’ve had friends in my liftime who were”hung”, and they never wanted for femails to be with. In fact , they’d do one girl and I guess she would brag to her friends about the “serious man meat” she had last night. Next thing you know, her girl friends are stalking down my pals to “try them on for size”. It happened to every one of them. My one pal had a list of what you would today refer to as “hookup buddies”. One was a 4′ 11″ gymnast who he called “pinwheel” ( I’ll leave it up to you to figure out how she earned that nickname). These women would drop whatever they were doing if he called. Even if it ment ditching there boyfriends (or husbands). listen, if you have enough nerve to find out what women really think about size, get a group of them togeather, get the blender out and start making margeritas or mudslides or something along those lines. Then , when they’re feeling no pain discreetly insert the issue of penis size into the conversation and watch where the conversation goes.Just raelize one thing. They’ll probably all describe their boyfriends & husband’s package. Sometimes in great detail. So make sure any of the guys in earshot don’t get to embarrased. Anyway, it will really open your eyes.

    • Women are cock-crazy adulterers incapable of honesty unless hammered, according to Bobbit. One would need a micopenis to penetrate the depths of that insight.

  4. Some of the best comments on the interwebs…

  5. Sandra Kelly says:

    We do not need a large penis to enjoy ourselves. Most women do not orgasm during intercourse no matter what size our lover’s penis is.
    http://www.holisticwisdom.com/cant-orgasm.htm
    Just because we do not reach orgasm during intercourse doesn’t mean we are not enjoying ourselves. Give me an attentive average size lover over a well hung guy who thinks having a big penis is all that is required to please a woman. Someone mentioned Playgirl earlier and I would say that it is true a large penis is nice to look at but the reality of having sex with them is totally different.

  6. In hopes of someone being able to answer this question. Why is a guy I’m just texting/talking to now is absolutely obscessed with the size of his penis? He has nothing to worry about it in that department and I do mean nothing. Honestly its getting on my nerves shut up about it already. He’s asked me didn’t you like the pic I sent you? (when I ask him not too..leave something to imagination) Did you look at it today and think of me? When I told him I did not he asked me why? Someone please tell me what am I missing here?

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