This morning, I read this article. I knew the second I clicked on it that I was going to be writing today. It got my wife and me talking about the societal standards (double and otherwise) placed on gender and relationships in general. While she agrees with a lot of the author’s points, namely the want for personal value to be derived from within, rather than the confirmation of others, she was bothered by the broad generalizations made. The point about the monthly menstrual cycle earned an eye roll almost obscured by a cup of coffee. To be honest, we agree on the general thesis, but we take different paths getting there. On the whole, the point is conceded.
There is a reason that this double-standard is still prevalent.
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Before I begin, I’d like to say right off the bat that I am not being combative or purposely argumentative. This article represents the totality of my experience. In short, “your mileage may vary.”
One thing that really irritates me about the human species is our penchant to be overly generalistic about, well everything, especially when it comes to the double-standards between genders. The false syllogisms we float around all damned day and night to seem semi-intelligent really just muddy the waters of an already beleaguered and morally calcified argument.
The main issue (I hesitate to use the tumblrism “trigger”) about the article was that two publications were compared, namely Girl’s Life, which is essentially Cosmopolitan-writ-teenybopper, and Boy’s Life, the official magazine of the Boy Scouts of America. Before, I ignore the glaring and obvious incongruence in comparing these two publications (one is essentially a cosmetics/fashion sales rag, the other is an applicable extension of BSOA’s ethos), I get what’s she’s trying to say.
There is a reason that this double-standard is still prevalent. The entire argument revolves our inability to shake off an evolutionary mechanism designed to produce the most successful offspring. If your hips weren’t bigger, your breasts larger, your figure more inviting, you would attract less mates and therefore your genes had a lesser opportunity to be passed to the newer generation. Some cultures still prefer this model of larger framed figures. (Goodness knows I do…)
The biggest issue we have right now is that people are completely blowing EVERYTHING out of perspective instead of trying to just be civil to each other.
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Thus, publications like Girl’s Life and Cosmopolitan are making money exploiting a very evolutionarily-ingrained desire to look a certain way. (Any look at Men’s Health and Fitness magazines will tell you that women aren’t alone in this hunter-gatherer type mentality.) Comparing the two however, is like comparing the Utne Reader and US Weekly.
The second issue (and this is probably what is going to get me the majority of angry email), is this;
“Because when a woman falls in love with a man there is a period of time when her existence IS about how desirable he finds her. Anyone who denies this has never truly fallen in love.”
Applying silly blanket statements like this to matters of subjective reality, especially the concept of falling in love seems to be quite simply slavish and unreflective, at least to me. It’s this totality of view that is causing a majority of the problems within this issue to begin with. The experience of falling in love is different for everyone and is as varied as our behaviors and responses to it. To suggest a compulsory behavior in an experience so incredibly subjective is completely missing the point of the experience in the first place.
Getting back to the double-standard, believe me, I understand why this is a thing. But, for many people what’s appealing to the sight and appealing to the touch are often two different things. That being the case, where what is pleasing revolves around our own interpretations, I don’t know if there is a way to get rid of this stereotype without compromising the principle of being nice to each other. The biggest issue we have right now is that people are completely blowing EVERYTHING out of perspective instead of trying to just be civil to each other.
I enjoy making people feel good. Handing out genuine compliments is one way I do this.
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Having said that, I compliment women. I do this on a daily basis, whenever I see something pleasing to my senses. If a woman is wearing something that looks good on her, I will say so. “That dress is absolutely stunning.” I do the same with men as well. “That button down is styling as hell sir…” I was raised with the maxim, “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything.” Naturally, the corollary is “If you have something nice to say, say it.”
More often than not, when I compliment a female, I’ll get a “thank you” and a smile. That’s what I want. I couldn’t care less about sleeping with someone, and I couldn’t care whether or not they actually enjoyed the fact they were complimented. I do it because it makes me happy to acknowledge the beauty around me. There is no ulterior motive. Then again, I’m an unabashed flirt. I enjoy making people feel good. Handing out genuine compliments is one way I do this.
The other day, I complimented a woman who rocked a Ramone’s t-shirt that hugged her body and really looked amazing on her. I said something to the effect of “That shirt looks amazing on you.” I was rewarded with “F**k you patriarch.”
Beauty exists regardless of size and regardless of whether or not you adhere to some standard within the pages of a sales magazine.
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Fair enough.
I realize that her self-worth isn’t derived from my approval of her shirt, nor did I even imply that ANYONE’S choices should be subject to my approval. In this instance, I complimented her shirt because The Ramones was literally the first band I ever saw live. The fact that it looked amazing on her was secondary, though despite her shitty attitude, I still maintain my compliment.
The fact that your self-worth isn’t derived from my approval shouldn’t prevent you from accepting a genuinely benign compliment. Granted, I’m fine with taking whatever heat I’ll get from acknowledging the beauty around me. I’ll continue to make and share my observations. But, if a compliment is so damaging that you have to respond in aggressive fashion, then you should probably work on your own sense of self-worth before taking it out on someone else. If we are going to be serious about this double-standard, fine. Let’s get serious about it. But, if you make an effort to look nice, regardless of the motivation, expect to get complimented. Period.
The anger towards people who compliment you is just as bad as the double-standard itself, because it is a demonstration that the standard still exists and that you, yourself are subject to it as well. Beauty exists regardless of size and regardless of whether or not you adhere to some standard within the pages of a sales magazine. Beauty exists for its own merit. As far as the female ideal, no one should be shamed for wanting to look this way, and no one should be shamed for not looking this way. Neither should anyone be shamed for acknowledging what their perception of beauty is.
You may not be happy with what you look like, but that doesn’t mean that the way you are isn’t beautiful.
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Photo: Getty Images
Not really sure what to say. I generally think people get over blown with their men shouldn’t talk to women approach, but this piece just seems so entitled. The tone just seems to be I enjoy this and don’t care that you don’t, I’m going to do it. Maybe it’s because complimenting someone on their looks is a bit more than simply saying hi.
Stop complimenting women entirely! GO MGTOW! Ignore women! Let women live the life of a man – degraded and demonized when not behaving properly. Women draw from the traditional conservative and/or empowered feminist playbook depending on the circumstance. If they’re interested in you superficially, then they’ll accept your compliment and may even ‘reward’ you with a smile or return compliment. Oh goodie! Any man that thinks this a reward is a fool. If they see you as a lessor male, then they’ll follow the feminist playbook of victimization, insult, patriarchal oppression and personal, psychological injury. Women have learned that they… Read more »
Well, the video is dead on balls accurate, that much is for sure, but that’s not women, it is all of us, and blaming women is a red herring. First is the most glaring, and the one that we need to guard against. That is blaming women, and that is exactly why, as an old time, long time, very active men’s rights advocate, that I shun MGTOW as much as I shun Gender Fems, BLM, and any other group that targets a sub-group of people in order to exact blame, rather than seeking unity in order to resolve our differences… Read more »
Compliments aren’t damaging. On the other hand, do women you don’t know really need to hear all that you feel like saying? The photo with this article looks like a bar, a place where “the roof is the introduction” and you’d expect to be exchanging compliments in a social place. When I’m walking down the street on my way to wherever, minding my own business, I generally don’t want to hear a stranger’s opinion of anything visual about me at all. Because so much more happens to women in public spaces than just compliments. You say you’re just being nice,… Read more »
I don’t think that I’ve complemented a woman on her looks in like three decades (women that I know not withstanding that is). Can’t see a reason why. They don’t need me, a perfect stranger, to make them feel good about themselves, and I don’t need their “thank you” to make me feel good about myself. That shit is superficial. Open a door, or carry something for them if you want to make them feel good. I do that all the time. I open doors for everyone, and I’m not taking notes. I’ve been in line at home depot, watching… Read more »