Ben Martin wants his kids to feel attractive, but wants them to value inner beauty more.
—
In the movies, one of the markers of being a good dad is telling the kids about who’s beautiful.
I have no data to back this claim.
Still, I feel like I’ve seen it a lot in popular culture, which surely can’t be wrong. On TV, the good dad always tells his daughter how beautiful she is and/or tells the kids how beautiful their mother is.
I’ve never really done this with any regularity, and it’s nothing to do with how beautiful my family is because they’re all drop dead gorgeous. But, for whatever reason, it occurred to me recently that I should maybe think about this. And when I say it occurred to me, “for whatever reason”, what I mean is “for the simple reason that I worry about all the things all the time, for no reason.”
♦◊♦
Regardless, I started thinking about it. Here’s what I realized.
I didn’t grow up in a home where this was done. I don’t really remember my dad telling my sister or my stepmother that they looked beautiful. I don’t remember being told I looked handsome very often, which is really shocking because my wife says I’m quite a looker. I remember a couple of quick, “lookin’ sharp” type statements, but nothing that would’ve led me to swell with pride about my body.
This isn’t meant to be an indictment of my parents or my upbringing either. It’s not like I was pining like a parrot for the fjords to be called beautiful or imagining that I must have been spawned from a family of ogres, so ugly that physical appearance was best off not being mentioned. In fact, I’m sympathetic to their approach even today.
It’s what’s inside that matters. I like that approach.
|
The always-implied, and perhaps even occasionally stated, rationale for the lack of beauty-based compliments in my childhood was that “it’s what’s inside that matters.” I like that approach. I’ve met kids who get all their self-esteem from feeling attractive and they’re 1) irritating and 2) often a little bit creepy.
Here’s the thing about that proverb though: I believe it to be true, and I know it to be false.
In my philosophy, people’s physical attractiveness is completely unrelated to their worth. In my experience, people’s physical attractiveness is completely unrelated to their goodness or intelligence or wisdom or any of the other characteristics that I find more important than physical beauty.
It’s also true that my experience has shown me that physical attractiveness is often related to self-worth. People often use it as an indicator of goodness and intelligence, albeit spuriously. The entertainment and advertising industries have made themselves mountains of cash slinging stories of beautiful, virtuous princesses and horribly disfigured villains and putting attractive people next to stupid products. Studies show that the attractive people get the job, the benefit of the doubt, and the pay raise. Whether it’s rational or not, appearance affects how people perceive others. And the way people perceive “others” tends to affect how those “others” think of themselves.
The way people perceive “others” tends to affect how those “others” think of themselves.
|
Oh, and that’s another thing! I’ve met plenty of beautiful people who don’t believe that they’re beautiful. Just being attractive isn’t enough to feel attractive. That’s because attractiveness is mostly a social construct (meaning that it’s a sort of subjective, collective judgment that isn’t really based on anything tangible or … real). You’ll hear people talk about body symmetry or hip/waist measurement ratios, sure. But, no matter what some assert, those things aren’t universally accepted and, even if they were, they don’t account for the vast majority of the things that we tend to judge one another’s appearances on.
No, to feel attractive, people need to feel that others find them attractive – regardless of how they look.
♦◊♦
So, this leaves me at an impasse. I’m really happy that when my kids are proud of themselves it’s for their awesome personalities and achievements rather than for the way they look. But I worry that, if not now, then when they’re older they’re going to succumb to the pressure to measure themselves by what they look like — at least a little bit.
I want to walk a fine line. I want to continue to raise them to get their self-worth from their thoughts and feelings and the way they treat others. I also want them to take a pride in their bodies. Cartesian dualism (basically, the idea that the mind and the body are separate entities) is a myth. Our bodies are who we are and who we are is a part of our bodies. No one is attractive to everyone and everyone is attractive to someone. I want them to understand that so thoroughly that when someone tells them they’re ugly (because it happens to all of us at some point) they’ll have a strong enough sense of themselves that they’ll be able to let it go.
As a dad, I’m beginning to think that helping to give them that foundation may be as much a part of my job description as teaching them not to dismiss people for their appearance or that the pretty kid at school isn’t actually a more valuable person than they are.
Wherever they are in life, I hope they can find a version of physical beauty that they can apply to themselves.
|
So, here’s my plan. I’m going to start telling them more often how cute/pretty/handsome/etc. they are. I’m going to notice when they put a little extra effort into brushing their hair or picking out a school outfit that “matches” — even if matching means a red gingham shirt and red plaid pants.
I’m going to remark to them about other people’s beauty, too. But I’m going to do it in a way that helps them see that having a beautiful body means more than just being Hollywood ready by pointing out the ways that “ordinary” people are beautiful. Whether a person is a snappy dresser, carries herself with confidence, has a cool haircut, or whatever else, I want to show them that they don’t have to be bound by one version of attractiveness. That way, wherever they are in life, I hope they can find a version of physical beauty that they can apply to themselves.
—
For more family-style ramblings by this author, check out:
Why Aren’t We Rude to Grown-ups the Way We Are Rude to Kids?
They Say It Takes a Village, But How Many Villagers Do You Really Want Raising Your Kids?
Forgiving, Forgetting, & Figuring Out Which Is Which
—
By the way, if you like this post, give it a share or a like on Facebook or your social media forum of choice using one of the share buttons below. I’d be mighty obliged!
—
This article was originally published at www.afamilyinthecity.com
—
TRENDING POSTS
-
The Three Stages of a Guy in Love
-
10 Qualities of A Desirable Man
-
10 Adorable Compliments That Will Melt Her Heart
-
To The Man Feeling Too Guilty to Leave
Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad free -
Philosophy Lesson at Walmart
-
Proposing Marriage: Before and After
-
Have We Forgotten Our Mortality?
-
Why Are so Many Successful Men Miserable?
-
Go North, Young Man. And Woman.
If you believe in the work we are doing here at The Good Men Project, please join like-minded individuals in The Good Men Project Premium Community.
◊♦◊
◊♦◊
Get the best stories from The Good Men Project delivered straight to your inbox, here.
◊♦◊
◊♦◊
Sign up for our Writing Prompts email to receive writing inspiration in your inbox twice per week.
Image: The Pie Shops Collection/Flickr
I liked the subject here. I grew up the eldest of four daughters, and the ugly daughter of a father who values a very specific set of beauty characteristics in women above all other things. They are the sum total of a woman’s worth, in his eyes. Whilst my physically stunning sisters meet his standards to varying degrees, all of us have major issues with image and self worth. I think it is wonderful when a father can value his kids for their spectacular inner selves and see them as more than trophies to preen over. And by trophies, I… Read more »
The title says kids, but what’s actually meant is girls, right?
No, that’s not what I meant at all. I have both a daughter and a son and I’d like for both of them to have a sense of their physical beauty. Boys and men are also able to hurt when they feel like others find them unattractive — and are also able to absorb messages from popular media and peers that would judge them for not aligning with very specific, limiting views of what attractiveness means for them.
Ben – you are thinking about it, you are consciously parenting – your kids are lucky. I always try and balance the positive affirmations about their skills and abilities with my gushing over how beautiful and gorgeous they are. I can’t help telling them they are so beautiful because to me they are so very adorable and kissable and huggable.
Great post.
Rather than burdening oneself with which side teach and how, relying on trick-tactics to teach people about socIal complexities that we alone aren’t necessarily qualified to successfully implement, why not be upfront and teach them about the issues themselves? Let them know these issues exists and how they affect people, and give them the proper tools to help them live and thrive in such a society; to be above it all. It’s my opinion that they should learn WHY it’s the way it is rather than being an unknowing character in the game of beauty vs. worth – as a… Read more »
ArchimedeanStandpoint, I think that’s a great point. I hope I never rely on trick-tactics, and I wouldn’t classify teaching my kids to recognize physical beauty in themselves and others, while sharing with them my own values about appreciating other, non-physical, traits as such. As they grow older I think regular conversations about the roots of issues of body image and body shaming in our society will be a vital part of helping them balance the sources of their own self-worth — or talking about the “Why”. The two approaches strike me as two sides of the same coin. One side… Read more »