You may have heard, I’m running for president. It would be a boon for both of us, I would have a job that would ease me right into retirement and you, the long-suffering American voter, will have a president who’s main focus would be you, the American voter.
I don’t want to spend a lot of time flying around the world irritating world leaders and tromping all over alliances and partnerships that have helped keep the world from self-destructing for the last 70 years. In fact, I hate flying. It would take a great party to get me on an airplane.
“Hey, President Tim, Prime Minister Macron is making spicy chicken wings and queso dip for the World Cup finals,” would do it. I would never fly that far just to act like a jerk.
Unlike the current president, I will gladly turn over my tax return. Of course, my wife takes care of our taxes, so I will have to ask her to give them to me so I can share them with you. That’s a question better asked after a few diet cokes. I will share them with you in an hour or so.
I would never stoop to using religion to attack my opponent. However, unlike Trump, I don’t assume the House of God includes the back nine at a private country club.
“If we could have a moment of silence while the president tries to make this difficult chip shot through the grace of the Almighty.” Salvation recommends a nine iron, Mr. President.
You won’t have to worry about me spending a lot of time golfing. In fact, you don’t have to worry about me spending any time on a golf course. I don’t even know how to golf.
I borrowed some clubs and played once and hated it. I don’t like sports that require the use of an implement to propel a device, tennis, baseball, hockey, golf, they just aren’t something I could ever master. If you see me, President Tim, on a golf course you can rest assured I took a wrong turn.
If you know me you know I like everybody, and if you don’t know me, well I like everybody. When it comes time for the houses of congress to pass difficult legislation, I will help them. If they are locked in partisan struggle I will step in with the wisdom of Solomon and the patience of Job (a little biblical reference to prove I’m spiritual).
We can all get together and go bowling or play mini-golf (the only exception to the rule above). Nothing brings people together like the camaraderie of faux sports and ersatz competition. Rest assured, as president, if a senator or congressperson misbehaves I will not hesitate to put them in time out. Nothing brings about acceptable behavior like watching everybody else having fun.
I will have the same rule for my administration. If you don’t perform or act in an unprofessional manner expect a swift, severe punishment, in the form of the chair in the corner of the Oval Office… Maybe somewhere else. It won’t be a comfortable chair, you can bet on that. I want everybody to be happy, but I have my limits.
If elected I will talk to all the world leaders as if they were friends. I will take them on a picnic, and we will work out our differences over a game of Monopoly, or Life. We will serve up some snacks and put on sweat pants, and t-shirts and by the time it’s all over I will have convinced them all to dismantle their nuclear arsenals and relinquish their dreams of regional or global conquests. Everything is possible among friends wrapped up in the acquisition of fictional property and pretend monetary dominance.
I don’ t want to make a lot of hollow promises. You’re going to have to pay taxes, no matter who’s president. You’ve always paid taxes and you always will. You have to wear a mask, it’s not a question anymore. We have to make sacrifices. I will always tell you the truth. I will bring simple common sense to problems that have confounded civilization for thousands of years. And, I will have a job.
Thank you for your support.
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