Dating advice is everywhere, but that doesn’t mean good dating advice is everywhere.
Your friends, relatives, co-workers, baristas, servers, old marrieds who irritate you with their pre-dating apps and websites love stories …everyone has an opinion on how best to find love. But what you need to remember is that their advice comes from how they found love. Their packaged advice may not make the most sense for you.
As a relationship coach and just a human, I’ve heard and read all sorts of dating advice. Some can be laughable, but others can be downright damaging. If you’re inexperienced or vulnerable, then some dating advice could not only hurt your chance at a relationship, but how you feel about yourself.
Here are some of the worst I’ve heard and why:
1. “It Will Happen When You Least Expect It.”
I heard this a lot following my separation/divorce, that I didn’t need to “seek” love, but that it would just appear! On my doorstep! The perfect man!
This advice made me feel utterly helpless, as if I had no control over when and how it would happen. I just had to sit back and wait interminably for love to find me.
Love isn’t going to find me or you if we’re doing nothing. Love isn’t just a feeling; it’s an action that requires dedication and effort. Even if Mr. or Ms. Right knocked on my door right at this moment, I wouldn’t be guaranteed love would come from that. We would have to build a shared experience and connect deeply.
Lust can happen when you least expect it (that new barista sure could be hot), but love, certainly not.
2. “Someone will come along.”
This one is similar to #1, but not exactly. The idea is that you shouldn’t worry, someone who likes you for you will come into the picture.
I don’t believe all that much in fate or destiny. When I was dating following my separation/divorce, the men who asked me out at grocery stores, coffee shops, the park, or anywhere else weren’t men I cared whether they were into me. We were in different life places. They wanted something casual and I didn’t. They didn’t seem all that mature or whatever else the reason. They weren’t my person.
It takes work to find a quality partner because they, like me, weren’t just sitting around waiting to be found. So, yeah, they could come along all right, but only after you put some work into finding them.
3. “You’ll Feel Butterflies When It’s Right.”
When I first met my now husband, I didn’t feel butterflies at all. I felt…light. If I’d taken this advice to heart, I wouldn’t be in the happy, fulfilling relationship I‘m in today. Some relationships are a slow burn and butterflies is more indicative of lust than “rightness.”
Further, butterflies for me have always meant bad shit is coming. As someone who spent a lot of time in addictive, unhealthy relationships, I always had a bodily response, like butterflies plus a sort of jittery adrenaline rush. If I’d felt that way when I first met my now husband, that would have been a cause of concern for me.
4. “You need to feel a spark.”
You know when I’d feel a spark? When I really really wanted to bang the person. Did I care about whether we connected on emotional, mental, or spiritual levels? Nope. I wanted us to both get naked fast.
This advice assumes our bodies have some kind of prophetic response when we meet someone. It tells us when it’s right. While we should trust our bodies if we get a feeling that something isn’t right, we should recognize that sometimes our bodies are just horndogs and not give their reactions much stock. Love does have to grow, and it’s built on a lot more than an initial meeting.
5. “The older they are, the more mature they are.”
Age is just a number. Just because someone has reached a specific milestone in life doesn’t mean they’ve gained a specific level of maturity too. Maturity comes from observing and learning from what happens in life.
One key way of telling the difference is whether someone acts out their emotions or acts on them. Emotionally immature people act out their emotions (throwing a temper tantrum) while emotionally mature people act on them (having a calm discussion around boundaries, for example).
If you’re stuck on a number, you may lose out on someone actually mature.
6. “Act like you don’t care.”
Dating isn’t a game. Please don’t make it into one.
No, you shouldn’t desperately chase someone, but if you’re interested in someone, you should express that. If not, you may end up losing a good thing because they’ll want someone more direct.
7. “White lies in your dating profile are fine.”
I’ve had clients who were advised that lies were okay because “otherwise no one would look at their profile.” They may have fudged their ages or didn’t mention that they have a disability.
If someone wouldn’t swipe on you because of something, it’s not likely they’d then be happy to find out later you were lying to them. One lie will then throw everything else into question, which is never the way you want to begin a relationship.
Most people give advice because they care. They want you to be happy and they want to try to help you, but that doesn’t mean you should follow all of their advice. I suggest taking what you like and leaving the rest. Know that their intention is a good one, but there’s no one-fits-all way to find love. There are, though, ways to definitely avoid, and these were just some of them.
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Previously published on psiloveyou
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Photo credit: by Matt W Newman on Unsplash