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How can a strong, outgoing, extroverted straight, white male be effective in undoing the patriarchal, white supremacist system when all his strengths are what holds up that particular system?
By knowing when to use them and when to not. By learning to decenter himself without erasing himself. Like all good things, it’s a balancing act.
Know Your Strengths, Know Your Self
The first step, as is the first step in most things, is to know yourself as well as you can. Are you the type of guy who speaks up right away? Do you get energy from talking through things, debating, and saying what you feel and think? That’s great—but know that not everyone else does, it can be overwhelming for others, and an important voice may be missed in the process. (Don’t worry, you didn’t do anything wrong yet—it’s just important that you know yourself here.)
This might not mean that you are the stereotypical Alpha Male. In fact, you may not feel very confident or privileged at all. For better or for worse, that doesn’t really make a difference.
Here’s something that can really trip us up in life: how we feel inside may differ from how we present ourselves to the world. The perception others have of us will make a big difference in our relationships with others.
This can be really infuriating because we can be pretty damn sure we know what we mean and what we’re trying to say. But people experience us the way they experience us.
Some of this can be predicted (or at least understood with a bit of honest discussions with people we trust) and some of this can be changed and shifted if we want it to be. But a good bunch of it is just how it is.
When how we are perceived by others doesn’t match up with what we know about ourselves, there can be a lot of frustration and hurt. And while you know yourself better than anyone else ever will, we can’t just discount what others perceive.
This is where the notion of privilege comes in. Sure, I may not fully embrace a take-no-prisoners, macho, masculinity that doesn’t stop myself from having male privilege bestowed on me just by being a man. It’s how it is in our patriarchal society. So my bravery or willingness (in my mind) to say how I feel, may actually be perceived as part of my male privilege.
I can deny it. I can say #notallmen, but that just stops me from having a real contribution to the important discussions that are happening.
And if I’m a natural extroverted, leading-the-pack, type, but I’m being told that I need to let others speak up more, how can I be a good activist in an anti-patriarchal cause? Why can’t I use my strengths?
Relationships, Relationships, Relationships
The answer is that you can. You can be a leader while not being the only leader. You can decenter yourself without erasing yourself.
One of the horrible things that happens to all of us somewhere in the pre-teenage years is a Great Halving. The therapist Terrence Real talks about this. It’s when girls are told to not be too “bossy” but are encouraged to be more relational and emotional, while boys are told the opposite: hold in the feelings, value independence, and stand up for yourself and be a leader! Neither of us get to be a whole human being, and boys miss out on the idea that leadership can be done in a relational manner. In fact, to avoid the cliché of being “lonely at the top” you can make sure you’re never alone while you’re at the top.
The next time you’re starting a project or have a political or social event that you want to spearhead, notice the people you are gathering around you. Is your leadership group structured in a way that women, transgender people, LGBTQ folx, and People of Color have just as much decision making and visibility as the (well-intentioned, good ally) straight, white, cis man that you are? Be very wary about starting anything new without that. Take a good long think as you chair your next meeting with your name solo at the top, or if you’re developing an amazing app that you and your male friend have been designing.
Are those the only people you know and are close with—I hear you. It’s not necessarily your fault that those are the people you’ve been surrounded with. So what are you doing about it? Are you seeking out places where you’re not in a leadership position and you are following People of Color and women in organizations? If not, what’s stopping you?
Your voice is important and should not be made invisible, but it doesn’t always have to be front and center.
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Photo credit: Pixabay
Like so many articles on these pages, this one wants to reshape society to be more inclusive of everyone. It reminds me of the American tradition of leveling that Protestant reformers brought to these shores in the seventeenth century. That reformist/leveling tradition led to our representational democracy. What seems to be missing, I think, is an honest world view. Most of the rest of the world celebrates one culture or another. Outside the West most cultures rely on traditions, and those are often traditions that fly in the face of progressive Western values. So, it seems we are espousing values… Read more »