I have had trouble saying no my whole life. I imagine the only time I was easily able to say no was as a toddler. Toddlers embrace the word no. Toddlers say no when they mean it. As we grow up, this tends to be socialized out of us and some of us, like myself, lose our ability to say no when we mean it entirely. It can show up in our lives as saying yes when we really want to say no, or saying yes to too many things and stretching ourselves too thin.
Saying ‘Yes’ when you really mean ‘No’
If something is not a “hell, YEAH!”, then it’s a “no! — James Altucher
I said yes when I meant no all of the time. At the heart of it was a tendency to people please. I would always put others’ desires ahead of my own desires or even my own needs. I felt a social pressure to cater to others even at the expense of myself. I was afraid of disappointing others. I thought by always saying yes I was being kind to others. I’ve come to believe though, that what I was doing was actually the opposite of kind.
The inauthentic ‘yes’ built so much resentment in me. I would feel angry and resentful towards other people for asking things of me because I “felt like I couldn’t say no” when they asked. This is so backward. I was getting angry at others for what I was choosing to do myself. It was not kind to yes to others and then resent them for it. It would have been much kinder to say a gracious no. Additionally, my yes would mean so much more when the asker could be certain that I was giving willingly.
I remember being called one evening and was asked if I could babysit someone’s kid the next day so that they could go to a doctor’s appointment. It was such short notice and I had things that I needed to do the next day. But I felt that pressure. I felt like I couldn’t say no. I felt guilty if I said no. I somehow felt like I would be a terrible person if I said no. That I would be the reason this woman would not make it to a doctor’s appointment if I said no. Never mind that it was last minute. Never mind that she could probably take the kid with her to her appointment. I suddenly felt entirely responsible for the outcome. So I said yes. I then began examining what I had to do the next day and trying to decide what could get moved around or canceled to accommodate this request. The whole time the irritation and resentment in me were building. I kept thinking why did I have to do this? Why did she have to wait until the last minute? Didn’t she have anyone else who could do it? Even worse, I was not able to move things around the next day. I had to call her back and tell her I couldn’t do it after all. This was much worse and much less kind than just saying no in the first place.
Dating was an arena where this tendency played out a lot. A guy would ask me out on a date and I would think that it would be too mean to say no even if I wasn’t interested in him at all. So I would say yes. I went on so many dates that I didn’t want to go on. The whole time thinking that this was somehow being ‘nice’ because rejecting them would be mean. It wasn’t nice at all though. It is unkind to lead someone on and make them think that I want to go on a date with them when I don’t. It is delaying the inevitable rejection because sooner or later I would have to make it known that I didn’t want to continue dating them.
The worst instance of this came when I had said yes to going on a date with a guy that kind of scared me. I really didn’t want to go. As the time came nearer, I became more and more afraid. I had my first ever panic attack on the floor of my kitchen as I anticipated going on the date later that evening. I ended up calling a friend of mine and telling her what I had done and then begging her to come on the date with me. To this day I am not sure if it is love or enablement, but she came on the date with me. I imagine this guy must have been very surprised to have asked out one girl and gone with two. My friend spent the whole time talking to the guy and answering all of the questions he asked me while I hyperventilated into a napkin.
It was at this point that my dear friends staged an “intervention” for me. They said I had to learn how to say no and then hold my ground after I said it. They made me practice saying no to them every day. I so appreciate them and their efforts. However, it would take a lot longer than their intervention for me to learn this skill. For various reasons that I would hash out in therapy during the following years, I didn’t feel like I owned my own time or body. It made it difficult to ever say no.
I still feel a sense of unease or discomfort when I say no to someone. I expect it. I accept it. It doesn’t stop me. I also feel a strong sense of pride every time I am true to myself and say no when I mean it because I know how far I’ve come to be able to do so.
Saying ‘Yes’ to Too Much
When I claim more than what I can handle, I limit the opportunities for another person in my community. — Jeff Shinabarger
There are only so many hours a day. We can only do so much. Sometimes there are too many things we want to do. It is easy to get sucked into the fantasy of being able to do all of the things. The truth is we usually have to choose. This choice can be hard since it is often between all good options.
This is where clarity of the future you want can come in handy. It allows you to say yes to things that align with your future self and say no to things that , while they might be amazing opportunities, do not align with your vision for your future.
I had been doing the weekly online challenge Workout Wednesday for a while. It is a data visualization challenge that was a great creative outlet for me and it also let me practice skills that are useful to me as a data analyst. However, when I started certification to be a life coach, I had to start saying no to Workout Wednesday. I liked doing it, but it no longer aligned with my future self and I did not have time to devote to it. Even though it was a good, worthy activity, I had to be able to say no to it. It was a little hard for me since I did enjoy it. But with the clarity I have with my vision of the future I want, I knew that it wasn’t the activity that would bring me there. Maybe someday I will pick it up again. For now, I have chosen other activities that will bring me closer to my desired future.
Saying ‘no’ is freedom. The truth is we are always saying no to something. If you are not saying no to others you are saying no to yourself. If you are saying yes to lesser pursuits, you are saying no to your dreams. Choose on purpose what to say yes to and what to say no to. Choose what will bring the biggest fulfillment to you. Choose what will let you live your best life.
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Previously Published on medium
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Photo credit: by Becca Tapert on Unsplash