For as long as I can remember I’ve hated Sunday evenings.
As far back as junior school, Sunday evenings always evoked a particular feeling of doom, gloom and low-level anxiety about the week ahead. That’s said as a kid who always did his homework and never forgot his sports kit.
I still suffered the Sunday fear.
Sunday night sadness isn’t unusual of course — psychologists call it anticipatory anxiety. What’s weird now is that there’s little for me to dread about the impending start of a new week. And yet often I sleep badly on a Sunday night, waking with the same fear and foreboding that used to grip me as a kid.
It’s odd, as by all reasonable measures my life is pretty stress-free. Sure, I share the same fears and doubts as most — my life isn’t perfect by any stretch.
There’s never enough money left by the end of each month.
I’m constantly fretting over the health and wellbeing of my nearest and dearest.
I’m reasonably certain that societal and political turmoil around the globe will lead to some sort of collective meltdown.
Aside from all that my life is golden. I’ve got a relatively stable job and work at home — I fit in exercise, writing and pretty much everything I want to do in life with ease. I’m able to provide for my family and we all enjoy good health. I’m blessed, frankly.
My life is largely stress-free both as I’ve won the postcode lottery of life, but also as I’ve gone to lengths to try and rid it of the things that were contributing stress to begin with.
If you want less stress in your life — and who doesn’t — it may just be that one or more of these things needs a little attention?
You’ve not figured out what you can control and what you can’t
… or maybe you’ve not yet accepted what you can’t control.
I’m loath to bring up Stoicism since we’re all getting a little sick of an ancient philosophy being brandished as a solution to all of life’s ills. But there’s something to it in this regard.
There’s nothing more guaranteed to heighten stress than a difficult task or situation that gets more challenging and taxing the harder we try. The difficulty escalates because we’re trying to influence that which cannot be influenced, and then getting frustrated and stressed about it.
Trying to reason with an unruly toddler or teenager.
Trying to shape an outcome from a difficult conversation.
Trying to influence a market or environment through sheer will and hope.
We can only control the things within our grasp — and that’s usually only what we do and say. Anything else is in the lap of the gods.
As long as you fight outside forces and lament how unfair life is, the more you’ll contribute to the turmoil that you’re feeling.
Injustice feels stressful. Frustration contributes to stress. Disappointment leads to a sense of failure which adds stress to life too.
Let go of that which you cannot control for a less stressful life.
You’re driven by what you think you want rather than what you actually want
I caused myself years of misery by being singularly focused on money. I believed that money would solve all my problems, and that more money would lead to less stress. My efforts to make more money failed repeatedly, often due to factors outside my control (see above). This resulted in stress and a feeling of futility.
I was also stopping myself from truly acknowledging how much I already had in life — including enough money to feel comfort, if not opulence.
When I took a step back and looked at my life objectively I recognised that what really matters to me is time, not (just) money.
Time to be around my family.
Time to devote to things that enrich my life, like exercise and writing.
Time to be creative, to explore, experiment and educate myself.
None of these things was lacking when I was fixated on money, but my obsession was robbing me of the ability to recognise and appreciate that I had so much of value already.
Now I’ve realised what really matters I feel less stress than when I was bludgeoning myself to do anything and everything possible to make another quick buck. Ironically, with less pressure (and less stress) for things to work out many of my side-projects have succeeded, resulting in more money. Who knew?
Question whether what you think you want is what you actually want. Pursuing that thing may be a source of stress in your life and could be denying you joy from what you already have.
You’re spending too much time dancing to someone else’s tune
A lack of autonomy makes us feel like the puppet being manipulated rather than the puppet-master we long to be. Few have the luxury of being completely in charge of our own lives — employees have a boss and freelancers have clients who call the shots. Families and partners bring responsibility and accountability too.
But often it’s the pursuit of ever more-responsible job, or bigger and better clients that equate to progress and advancement, and simultaneously make us more accountable and beholden to others. We feel more stressed as a result.
The promotion to a management position means more pay and status, but demands taking on a share of others’ worries too.
The new startup offers asymmetric returns for the time and money we put in, but with heightened risk and stress as a trade-off.
A new relationship offers the promise of love, excitement and companionship but at the risk of heartbreak and disappointment should it fail. Stress ensues.
We each make trade-offs over levels of risk and discomfort we’re willing to accept to get what we want from life. Stretching and taxing ourselves is an inherent part of growth and few will be happy for the long-term by remaining in stasis for their entire lives.
Any level of risk or discomfort is inherently stressful — it needs to be, to evoke action and to give us the occasional adrenaline rush to push through the hard times. It might just be that pushing forwards or upwards in too many areas of life at once relinquishes too much control over our own destiny, heightening stress-levels.
Pick your battles and decide in which areas of life you’re willing to be uncomfortable. The more control you relinquish, the more stress you may need to be prepared to welcome in.
You’re putting unnecessary and unwarranted pressure upon yourself
To be the best employee, the most successful entrepreneur, the best partner or parent — each of us harbours ambitions in life and secretly wants to be the best, the ultimate, the GOAT (Greatest Of All Time according to my kids).
Newsflash — we all screw up, we all disappoint others and ourselves, and we all fail.
Even if we don’t fail, we rarely measure up to our own expectations or those that we think others have placed upon us.
The pressure to be the best, or just better can be an enormous source of stress. Returning to my unsuccessful quest for riches, on the rare occasion when I could celebrate a win it still wasn’t all that I’d imagined. After the swell of pride had subsided things were basically the same as before. And the next failure hurt all the more too.
Pressure arises from expectations.
A little pressure can promote performance and urgency, encouraging preparation and practice.
Excessive pressure can quash enthusiasm and joy, increasing chances of failing.
Failure is stressful, as is being unable to experience joy and satisfaction.
A little pressure is good. A lot of pressure is stressful. Consider which pressures you can live with and which are worthwhile. Let go of those that aren’t.
You have unrealistic expectations of life
I’ve been responsible for a lot of my own disappointment through holding unrealistic expectations that brought unnecessary pressure and stress to life.
I wanted to be boss but kept getting passed-over, or got more responsibility without the reward.
I wanted to be shredded and gym-fit but felt perpetually tired and frustrated by injury, lack of progress and fluctuating willpower.
I craved a loving relationship but kept getting hurt or ignored.
I learned to abandon unrealistic expectations and recalibrated myself towards the attainable. As a result I felt less stressed and free of pressure that had been constraining my ability to achieve.
I found a job that paid well but without unnecessary stress or onerous responsibility.
I achieved a level of fitness that felt good but which was sustainable and realistic.
I met and married my soulmate who shared similar goals, priorities and an outlook like my own
Without hope there is nothing. But to hope for something and to live in a way that gives it a chance of happening is different to expecting that it will manifest if you keep fixating upon it.
Consider whether your expectations are a source of disappointment, and ultimately of stress. Abandon expectations if at all possible.
Final Reminder
A little stress is a helpful and positive thing. Too much stress is a fast-pass to ill health and an early death.
As someone blessed with a life of first world privilege I still feel stressed and overwhelmed, particularly on a Sunday evening. Suffering from stress is part of the human condition in 2021, or so it seems.
Consider where you may be inviting stress into your own life through choices you’ve made or things you’ve become conditioned to accept. It may just be that you find ways in which you could rapidly lighten your burden of stress, even just a little.
Ask yourself:
- Are you trying to control the uncontrollable?
- Are you living in way that will give you what you really want and need?
- Are you sacrificing autonomy and freedom for things that warrant it?
- Are you inviting pressure into your life that is warranted and helpful?
- Are your expectations of yourself, and of life, realistic?
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: Brooke Cagle on Unsplash