Five months ago I felt lost.
I had so many ideas and things I wanted to do, and no time to do anything.
My days went by as I felt overwhelmed with caring for a little child and running my household.
Time seemed to fly by without me having control over it.
Today I read, write, exercise, spend at least one hour per day “doing nothing” outdoors, and meditate — all on a daily basis — on top of caring for my child and running my household.
All I had to change was my mindset.
Lack of Time Is an Illusion
Lack of time is an illusion. It’s an excuse we tell ourselves and it keeps us stuck.
It prevents us from doing the things that we’d enjoy, and keep us busy with doing the things that we think we should be doing.
First on the list of the cursed shoulds is — especially but not exclusively — for women: house chores and cleaning.
I love this poem from Rose Milligan:
Dust if you must, but wouldn’t it be better
To paint a picture, or write a letter,
Bake a cake, or plant a seed;
Ponder the difference between want and need?
Dust if you must, but there’s not much time,
With rivers to swim, and mountains to climb;
Music to hear, and books to read;
Friends to cherish, and life to lead.
Dust if you must, but the world’s out there
With the sun in your eyes, and the wind in your hair;
A flutter of snow, a shower of rain,
This day will not come around again.
Dust if you must, but bear in mind,
Old age will come and it’s not kind.
And when you go (and go you must)
You, yourself, will make more dust.
Duty first — right?
Alright, but let’s understand if it’s really a duty, though.
So many of the things we think we should do are non-necessary, totally negotiable, and absolutely expendable things that we spend our time doing not because we feel like it’s the right thing to do but because someone else influenced us into thinking that it’s what we are supposed to do.
There’s a huge difference between wanting to do something and feeling like we should do it.
Don’t spend your time doing things based on someone else’s idea of what you should do.
Spend your time doing things that you feel like doing.
The roles that you play hold most of your limitations
Throughout our all lives, we’ve been conditioned to play roles based on other people’s definitions of us and our idea of what is “normal”.
I’m a mother.
Because of what I’ve seen around me growing up, I thought that it was normal for a mother to self-sacrifice. My upbringing influenced me to think that a good mother has to always prioritize her family above her own happiness and interests.
I was wrong.
I was living my life following someone else’s rules and based on someone else’s definition of what a person in my situation should be doing.
The moment I stopped and thought about what being a mother meant to me, the game changed.
How much of your time are you spending doing things that you think you should be doing, because you are a [insert role here]?
Is the role that you are playing preventing you from doing what you really want to?
Understanding that I was playing a part that someone else had defined for me helped me give it a different meaning, one that served me better and allowed me to make room (and time) for the things I really wanted to do.
Which ultimately makes me a happier person, hence a better mother.
You Don’t “Have” the Time, You “Make” the Time
You can’t just wait for a spot to free up on your agenda. You decide what’s important and make the time for it.
It’s called prioritizing.
There will always be more things that we want/have to do than time to do them. Your energy is limited, and it’s up to you to choose where to put it.
Think about it in terms of value.
If the thing you want to do brings value to you in the long term, even indirectly, then making the time for it — regardless of how busy your day looks — is like an investment.
A ten minutes walk in nature every day, for instance, has many beneficial effects on your health, mood, and productivity.
It’s been proven and said over and over, and yet most of us fail to see the long-term value of building such a habit and struggle to make the time for it.
By doing that, they keep prioritizing chores or work to-dos over their actual well-being.
Breaking news: giving your body and mind the rest they need actually makes you more productive and efficient in whatever task you perform.
The “do” game is a losing game.
Our capitalistic society had as fall for the illusion that to have a good life, we need to do more and work more.
As Jim Fortin says, we “work our life away”.
We tend to prioritize our business accomplishments over quality time with our loved ones and ourselves.
Working late, checking our inbox all the time, taking work phone calls on weekends, and being stuck in our heads thinking about the next deadline are all things that prevent us from experiencing joy and happiness in the present moment.
Being able to enjoy ourselves and ground ourselves in the present moment, though, ultimately leads to being more productive when the time for work comes.
The only way to have a good life is to enjoy it now.
…
My generation grew up hearing things like “there’s not enough time in a day to do all that needs to be done”.
We grew up with the idea that a busy schedule is a sign of being a successful person.
That’s not true.
Busy means busy. And idolizing busy is dangerous and leads to burnout.
Look at your calendar and look for this one precious thing: space. If you don’t have it, find it.
– John Delony
Next time you feel like you don’t have time to do something you really feel like doing, take your to-do list and:
- Check if any of the items on your list is just a should that doesn’t really belong to you. Cross that off.
- See what can be postponed and done in two weeks, instead of today or this week. Postpone that.
- See if something can be delegated, and ask someone to take care of that.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
—
Photo credit: Icons8 Team on Unsplash