My House
ME: I wanted to talk about the communal living situation [my parents bought a double house in Amherst and invited like-minded graduate students to live with us and participate in our daily life], which has been a little bit of a bone of contention, I suppose. But I just wanted to get your take on what it was about and why it was important to you as a mother in that situation at that time.
MOM: Well, I think it’s important to put it in context. That was in 1971. And so I had just begun the migration into having some work in the world. We were—it must be said—still sort of coming out of the whole period when it looked like Jim was going to go to jail for two years [for sending his draft card back to selective service]. That was a defining moment in our lives. And I think the most important thing to note is that this business of being at home with small children and feeling isolated in that situation was something that I was trying to figure how to do it in a way that solved that in some way. You were also, by then, really in the whole energy field, if you will, the ‘60s and early ‘70s. Everybody was experimenting with everything, and I think that’s important to put into this mix of understanding the context. There was experimentation going on all—on all fronts. Nothing was assumed to be the way it had to be, pretty much.
I think that what we did was done in a kind of rash and impulsive way. But the most honest answer I can give is it was an attempt to address what felt like a stifling kind of isolation—that mom, dad, and kids—that situation felt like to me, particularly. Being a faculty wife at Cornell had not been a satisfying role. I hated it. I didn’t find companionship or relationship amongst the faculty wives to be satisfying. So I was looking for some way to have a context for living that was more satisfying. The fact is that we basically opened our doors to graduate students who we didn’t know, and that just seems risky and rash to me. And I’m astonished we didn’t have any huge disasters of a dramatic sort, at least. And what really happened is that gradually, I transitioned into have a life outside the home that was satisfying and the need to have a communal base at home ceased to be so important or interesting, in a certain way. And I think that’s the explanation for why we basically backed out of that communal living situation over time.
ME: During that period, do you remember any humorous events?
MOM: I have to tell you a story. It was when Will was 13 or so and you were about 11. And you came downstairs and marched into the dining room and announced, “I will never have hair on my penis.” It was a marvelous moment because it was so clear that you had seen William, who was by then fully adolescent, and it was this marvelous refusal on your part to have something happen to you that I know perfectly well was going to happen to you. It was a very touching moment to me. Your innocence and your insistence and your enthusiasm, and determination, all of which of course was irrelevant because of what was inevitably going to happen.
Next: Stay-at-home Dads
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A nice article. We are the same age, Tom. My mother did not join the feminist movement and revolutions of the 60s. My father was dean of a law school and very establishment-oriented, and she devoted herself to support of his career. Instead she subconsciously channeled her objections to the patriarchal system through me – and my father made me his intellectual ally and friend because my mother could not – or would not – relate to him on that level. So I see some parallels in growing up in revolutionary times, which in some sense continue today. I too… Read more »
I loved this interview. My mother’s parents were Presbyterian missionaries to Cuba. When I was 9, my family lived In Mexico and I remember my mother putting Pearl Buck’s The Good Earth in my hand and telling me how much she identified with her, for the love of adventure, the giving to others, the religious background, and the fact that both were adoptive mothers.
And about your mother–she sounds like a fascinating woman and it’s remarkable what she accomplished given the fact that she often felt depressed and isolated. Thanks for sharing her with us.
Very cool Pauline. Thanks for reading. Glad we have that Presbyterian missionarie blood in common…