It starts with her ambition and confidence and grows with her sense of humor and kindness.
__________________________________
Several years ago a friend shared this passage from the book Attachments with me. It struck me then and every time I’ve read it since, it makes me pause and think. It hits close to home when I think about dating and relationships.
“He knew why he wanted to kiss her. Because she was beautiful. And before that, because she was kind. And before that, because she was smart and funny. Because she was exactly the right kind of smart and funny. Because he could imagine taking a long trip with her without ever getting bored. Because whenever he saw something new and interesting, or new and ridiculous, he always wondered what she’d have to say about it—how many stars she’d give it and why.”
It is a perfect summary of what I’ve been looking for in a relationship. Probably what we are all looking for really. I spent years trying to figure it out, what works for me, what doesn’t, what are the deal breakers and must haves. Now, I’m not so sure that is the right way to look at things. Of course we have qualities we are looking for and things we know fit better with our beliefs and approach to life. But often those are just boxes to check on an application and are just surface things, the ones that are easy to find or easy to fake.
Dating again after divorce, I began to realize my perspective had changed, not just on what I want in a partner but how to identify those traits in people. It has been clear the real stuff, that lies much deeper in our souls than we let most people see, is the place to look in other people and to share of yourself. It isn’t just the photo on Tinder or what we write in our Match profile.
Maybe it starts with physical attraction and the easy things to have in common…music choices, favorite books, hobbies, etc. But…maybe not. The people we truly connect with related differently to those surface things the deeper you dig. The books they choose become much more interesting…because the person telling you about it cares deeply and thoughtfully about why they choose that book. Their hobbies are much more enjoyable than you may have first thought because the time you spend is with them, not the activity you choose. The reason you can’t wait to see her doesn’t start with her beauty…it ends with it. It starts with her ambition and confidence and grows with her sense of humor and kindness.
The reason you can’t wait to see her doesn’t start with her beauty…it ends with it.
|
By no means do I have it all figured out. But as I’ve met people and dated I regularly look at this passage as a reminder of what the relationship should be and how we fit in each others world. Can I be me? The real me, not the profile written to sound interesting or the perfect ideal of a dad and his two daughters. But the real person that questions the choices he makes about his career and struggles with deep stress from co-parenting very strong willed children. Can I be that guy and still be comfortable with her?
I’ve always been guilty of getting caught up in feelings…in excitement and chemistry. Not that these things aren’t a big part of attraction, but what this passage reminds me is the goal is much deeper. It isn’t tied up in how does she make me feel…it is far more: how do I feel about myself when I am with her.
I’m more convinced now than ever before that this exists. Does this contribute to a lasting relationship? We’ll see. But I believe it is absolutely the starting point.
—
You might also like these from The Good Men Project:
—
***
What’s Next? Talk with others. Take action.
We are proud of our SOCIAL INTEREST GROUPS—WEEKLY PHONE CALLS to discuss, gain insights, build communities— and help solve some of the most difficult challenges the world has today. Calls are for Members Only (although you can join the first call for free). Not yet a member of The Good Men Project? Join now!
Join The Good Men Project Community
All levels get to view The Good Men Project site AD_FREE. The $50 Platinum Level is an ALL-ACCESS PASS—join as many groups and classes as you want for the entire year. The $25 Gold Level gives you access to any ONE Social Interest Group and ONE Class–and other benefits listed below the form. Or…for $12, join as a Bronze Member and support our mission, and have a great ad-free viewing experience.
Register New Account
Please note: If you are already a writer/contributor at The Good Men Project, log in here before registering. (Request new password if needed).
◊♦◊
ANNUAL PLATINUM membership ($50 per year) includes:
1. AN ALL ACCESS PASS — Join ANY and ALL of our weekly calls, Social Interest Groups, classes, workshops and private Facebook groups. We have at least one group phone call or online class every day of the week.
2. See the website with no ads when logged in!
3. MEMBER commenting badge.
***
ANNUAL GOLD membership ($25 per year) includes all the benefits above — but only ONE Weekly Social Interest Group and ONE class.
***
ANNUAL BRONZE membership ($12 per year) is great if you are not ready to join the full conversation but want to support our mission anyway. You’ll still get a BRONZE commenting badge, and you can pop into any of our weekly Friday Calls with the Publisher when you have time. This is for people who believe—like we do—that this conversation about men and changing roles and goodness in the 21st century is one of the most important conversations you can have today.
♦◊♦
We have pioneered the largest worldwide conversation about what it means to be a good man in the 21st century. Your support of our work is inspiring and invaluable.
◊♦◊
“Here’s the thing about The Good Men Project. We are trying to create big, sweeping, societal changes—–overturn stereotypes, eliminate racism, sexism, homophobia, be a positive force for good for things like education reform and the environment. And we’re also giving individuals the tools they need to make individual change—-with their own relationships, with the way they parent, with their ability to be more conscious, more mindful, and more insightful. For some people, that could get overwhelming. But for those of us here at The Good Men Project, it is not overwhelming. It is simply something we do—–every day. We do it with teamwork, with compassion, with an understanding of systems and how they work, and with shared insights from a diversity of viewpoints.” —– Lisa Hickey, Publisher of The Good Men Project and CEO of Good Men Media Inc.
—
Photo Credit: iStock
—
Also by Patrick Sallee
An Open Letter to the Woman I Want (A Man’s View) |
Online Dating Has Turned Us Into Unicorn Hunters |
To My Daughters: You Are More Powerful Than You Ever Imagined |
Are you real? I mean do u seriously exist just as you shared above?
So “right on” for one so young! My life experience bears out the truth and the wisdom of your words.
This resonates with me.