Forgiveness Begins With Forgiving Yourself

Forgiveness. How do you let yourself off the hook?

To err is human, to forgive is divine.
—William Shakespeare

Forgiveness and “forgiveness work” have become quite the catch phrases in the past few years. It’s not uncommon in spiritual circles for me to hear:

“Oh, I’m doing my forgiveness work,” and yet wise teachers throughout history (like that Jesus fellow) have been guiding us to do it for eons. Finding our way further in the ever-evolving light of personal development, we are advised we must learn how to forgive.

Being resentful (or holding onto anger) is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
—Alan Brandt

We are advised to learn how to get past the issues we’ve had with other people and let go of the judgments we carry.

What if the judgment we carry is with ourselves? Then what?

Think about the times you’re in an argument with a friend where you’re at fault and you feel awkward. Or you make a mistake and someone you care about gets hurt; you feel awful. You get that feeling in the pit of your stomach that creates anxiety. There’s a tension in your body that makes you feel uncomfortable. So what do you do? You apologize. You let them know you’re sorry, and you ask them to accept your apology.

“Hey man, I’m really sorry. I screwed up.”

And you wait. You wait for them to let you know they forgive you, that’s “it’s cool” and you’re good. We have a plan. We know what to do. And if our friend doesn’t forgive us after we apologize, we usually call them a douchebag in our heads.

What if the apology owed is to you? From you to you? What if the person you need to forgive screwing up is you?

We aren’t taught how to apologize to ourselves; we don’t learn how to go about releasing our need to hold ourselves accountable for our wrongdoings. Imagine you didn’t have this skill and you still felt guilty for the things you’ve messed up … since childhood.

We’ve got to learn how to clean things up with ourselves. Otherwise we’ll never truly be able to move forward in our lives. Imagine carrying every single mistake or misstep you’ve ever made with you for your entire life. What a burden would that be?

♦◊♦

Lately I’ve been thinking about the idea of self-forgiveness. I’ve had some really interesting responses.

“Part of my work in moving forward is learning how to let go of the past,” says Jess. Which includes learning how to forgive any perceived mistakes.

“I carry my failures forever,” says a fellow writer. Ugh. That has got to suck.

In an effort to help anyone else who struggles with self-forgiveness I’ll share what I’ve found are the three basic steps to forgiving ourselves so we can move forward and not swim in the past.

Obviously this is my list; you may want to create one of your own.

Step one: What is it? Call it what it is. 

What’s the thing you’re upset at yourself for? What are you mad at? What are the circumstances? Look at the facts.

Example: in a recent workshop with author/activist Marianne Williamson, a woman got up to share that she was struggling to forgive her ex-husband with whom she had filed for divorce. It became clear during her sharing that her struggle was actually with her self-forgiveness in the process, and that’s what was stopping her. 

Step Two: Why or how did it happen? Look beyond the obvious.

Can you understand why you did what you did, or how you made the choice that you did? Ask yourself if you can see what was behind making the decision you made. Maybe it was based on fear, or there was something driving that choice. Maybe you reacted to external events.

Example: I have had a multitude of conversations with people who beat themselves up about their food choices or the way their bodies look (both men and women). There’s a reason we choose to search for comfort in food in the first place, and a reason we define foods as something that comforts us. What’s the issue we require comfort from in the first place?

Step Three: Let it go. What’s it gonna take?

Can you truly forgive yourself for the mistake(s) you made? What would it take for you to let it go? Is there anything you can do to clean the slate so that you can move forward? Is there some action you can take that will allow you to move forward.

Example: A young man had committed to raising money for charity as a child and raised cash toward the cause. He then spent the cash on candy, toys, etc., and he carried the guilt of his action for many years. “I’m untrustworthy. I’m a bad person for spending that money.” Later he couldn’t remember why he thought he lacked integrity, but upon self-reflection remembered the incident and to forgive himself, he made a large donation to a cause he now cared about. He was able to clean his slate.

♦◊♦

Our body systems are created to survive in a variety of environments, but we do not thrive when under attack. Even if the attack is from the voice in your own head constantly reminding you of all the things you’ve done wrong in your life, it’s still an attack. By learning the skill of self-forgiveness and practicing it, you begin making friends with that inner voice. You’ve stopped attacking yourself and begun to let yourself live.

I’d love to hear your comments below on ways you’ve found to forgive yourself and things you’ve forgiven yourself for.

—

This post is republished on Medium.

***

You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project

Compliments Men Want to Hear More Often

Relationships Aren’t Easy, But They’re Worth It

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

..A Man’s Kiss Tells You Everything

—

Photo credit: iStock