The key to a successful relationship?
The one with yourself.
That is correct. You get to be that selfish.
And I know you might get fed up with yet another piece of advice that start with yourself.
“I want a meaningful relationship with another human being. Where is she/he?!” you might complain.
Hear me out.
The sole fact that you clicked on this article might be an indication you are still desperately searching for the relationship.
You are chasing. And whatever you are chasing, you repel.
The sole fact that you seek the advice means you do not have the desired relationship. It implies the energy of not having. And whatever you impersonate with your being, you are attracting. Therefore, you attract the lack of a relationship.
Your base for every manifestation is self-worth. Your foundation for respect from others is the regard you show for yourself. Your basis for happiness is solely dictated by your perspective.
What is the manifestation? The feeling. Not the person. Not the car in the garage. Nor the fancy vacay.
Human beings desire to live a happy and peaceful life. Hence, whenever we strive for something, we are actually desiring the feeling it will provide us with.
People do not look for wealth, they look for freedom. People do not want mystical experiences, they want to be blown away. People do not want health, they want to feel complete and energized. Emotion is the payoff from the experience.
— Dr Joe Dispenza
Why not take the ‘shortcut’ and create the feeling sans the physical factor?
Start with yourself. Only if you establish a healthy and loving relationship with your priorities and desires, can you honestly engage in the relationship with others.
I have come a long way of guilt, shame, people-pleasing and chasing validation. I had my heart broken. Never by somebody else, though. I abandoned myself.
We all want a fulfilling relationship.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to be in love. As long as you do not squander your present moment, so that you can finally start being happy once the right person comes along. It is vital to realize what you want from a partner. But the person you should first and foremost be content with is yourself.
- Are you in love with the reflection in the mirror?
- Do you feel complete on your own?
- Do you like spending time in your head?
I cannot see any reasons why you shouldn’t. You are the best investment you will ever work on. Make the time and effort to better the quality of your relationship with yourself.
I have realized nobody is going to care for me unless I start cultivating self-love. Nobody is going to accept my flaws until I embrace my whole package. Nobody is going to commit fully as long as I sacrifice my comfort for the pleasure of somebody else.
A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.
— Mark Twain
So I woke up one day and decided to trade hope for devotion, resentment for compassion, distress for faith and annoyance for tolerance.
We treat poorly the most important parts of ourselves.
Do you sacrifice your well-being for the comfort of somebody else?
We develop commitment issues and brush them off in the arms of alcohol and partying.
We cheat. Not on others, but sabotaging our own emotions by hiding the low self-esteem.
We disappoint friends, disguising the authentic nature by seeking fake acceptance.
We frantically search for a partnership that could bring us fulfilment.
I am delighted to break it to you…
Nobody can grant you happiness.
Following that thinking, nobody can deprive you of it as well.
You need to work it out on yourself, and by yourself. As long as you look outside for someone to complete you, you are doomed for the never-ending search.
Give up the illusion that something external would be the key to your fulfilment. Make the commitment to yourself. Show up for yourself every single day. Become your own cheerleader, instead of obsessing about somebody else.
Besides, do you think once you are in a relationship, you are done? That is where the real growth begins. You learn how to share your vulnerabilities with another human being. You nurture unconditional love, despite the circumstances around.
Happiness cannot be established upon the external. And that exactly what we practice for years. We rely on parents to provide us with security. We expect partners to empower us with self-worth. We believe friends will entertain us. We cling to decayed relationships, establishing our assumptions around them, thus experiencing the same disappointments.
Do not approach the past with emotional baggage.
Coin it into wisdom, a treasure chest of information that transform you into the person you get to be.
In order to love who you are, you cannot hate the experiences that shaped you.
– Andrea Dykstra
When you are held up by the resentment, your attention goes solely into repeating the patterns of the past. And when you come across an opportunity for a better relationship, you walk past by it. You remain so focused on your history that you cannot recognize the potential future. As dr Joe Dispenza preaches:
where you place your attention is where you store your energy to attract.
Why would you give up your vital life energy instead of creating the relationship of your dream? Channel that focus onto yourself. That is how you become magnetic.
Stop blaming others for the way you allow them to make you feel. Cease dumping responsibility for your happiness in the hands of somebody else. Yes, you had your heart broken, but look how much insight you have gained into your desires. Because of it, you know you deserve better.
Triggers are a catalyst for the awakening. Without disappointment, there would be no change of perspective.
The sole process of maturing into the perfect relationship is the journey you are after. Yes, you want the partnership, but you also want to be ready and not screw it up, right? The destination itself (the relationship) is tempting. However, it is the process of becoming which is madly thrilling.
You need to decide you want to be in love.
It requires a commitment to your needs and your partners’ as well.
We tend to sacrifice our happiness for the comfort of our partners. We put them on a pedestal. Again, we become their cheering crowd while forsaking our well-being. You are not a fan. You are the hero of your own story.
Start putting yourself as the priority. It reflects your attitude towards any relationship you are going to cultivate in your life. Once the Universe starts seeing your engagement in loving yourself, it will entrust you with a deep connection with somebody else.
Your romantic relationship is the extension of the relationship you have with yourself. In fact, every relationship in your life is the mirror of you. But, the most intimate connection with another human is the external version of your internal partnership with yourself.
Once you become love, you are no longer chasing. Once you discover your worthiness without the partner, you are no longer seeking. Once you have fun on your own, you are no longer miserable.
Our environment becomes a statement of how we treat ourselves:
- How do you respond to your needs?
- How do you treat yourself?
- Are you saying yes to people to gain their validation?
You are the only person who can grant you the flourishing self-love we are all worthy of.
You can only love others with the same capacity you love yourself.
If your self-love is little, even though you think you love others much more, you will always sabotage your relationship.
If you do not feel worthy of love, you will never attract it with the level you truly deserve. You can only attract mediocre relationships or person who reflects your point of view, your capacity to love oneself.
If you want to have the kind of relationship that your heart yearns for, you have to create it. You can’t depend on somebody else creating it for you.
― Gary Zukav
When you love yourself, you glow from the inside. You attract people who love and respect you because the essence you hold within, you will always bring out from others. Self-love is the ultimate state of manifestations. Everything starts with and how you treat yourself. Be bold enough to feel worthy. You truly deserve all the best.
I am selfish, and I love every person, energy on this planet.
And because I am selfish, I can love. I have the capacity to shower others with respect, joy, and appreciation. You cannot pour from an empty cup, right? You need to fill your own needs first. You need to fuel yourself with love before you can serve others as well.
I dare you to love yourself for who you are, your shape and sizes, what values determine your perspective. Your uniqueness is unmatched. Claim it as your powerhouse.
What if we start cultivating self-love within? Just start with that one daily ritual. Then, if all actions and words would derive from this place of love and understanding, think how much would we influence the world, nature and humankind toward a better and safer future of our planet?
Thank you for reading!
I write to empower and inspire with self-love. Your biggest strength lies in your authenticity, so embrace the whole package. Wear your unique attitude proudly.
This post was previously published on Medium.
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