When people talk of pain, they’re not inclusive. I wish they talked about pain beyond the love and dating spectrum. Art and pain and art from pain can both (beautifully) be about things other than love.
Like losing a friend. It hurts like hell.
Recently, I lost mine (let’s call her Tina) to a guy — her boyfriend. It’s a story like any other. The same old “friend VS boyfriend” banter. Obviously, the boyfriend — however new he is— always wins. The friendship — however old it is— goes down the drain.
And then, your helpless self gapes back at you like a freaking idiot, trying to piece together how a friendship so strong (seemingly) slipped out like that? The friendship you thought was for life, is it over already?
I do get told that it is very common and that I should get used to it. Maybe now I am. Maybe I have drawn some lessons for myself. I don’t know how legit these lessons are but they helped me get through the pain.
Here are my lessons —
Lesson #1: Friends Aren’t Forever
Every time a parent has said “Your friends aren’t gonna stay forever”, an angry friend-bound kid has fought back with “Our friendship is forever and you will see”.
They were right all along, whatever their justification behind it.
Tina and I had a forever kind of friendship, at least that’s what we promised one another. We spent our high school days helping each other get through family drama, relationship issues, career doubts, and so much more. We meant the world to each other.
There wouldn’t be a single day we didn’t meet. We’d almost spent the entire day around each other. After school, we’d go to academic classes together, then chill/grab a bite.
After high school, we were in a Long Distance Friendship for about five years. Heck, we even survived that!
All that, just for us to end up in the same city again and get broken up like never before.
I thought I’ll not be fine. I wasn’t for a while. But here I am, almost moved on, writing about her and accepting that Friends Aren’t Forever.
And friendships are only as long as you make them last.
Lesson #2: You Can’t Trust People’s Priorities
Trusting people is different than trusting their priorities. That’s the thing about priorities, they can change anytime and you can’t do a goddamn thing about it.
Best friends go on top. That’s how I used to think in terms of everything. I placed Tina above everyone else, even myself and sometimes my parents. She did that too and sometimes she would even go the extra mile.
But I guess my spot cannot stay on the top forever, it had to be replaced sometime. Either by a partner, another friend, a child, or whatever.
Tina’s priority was now her boyfriend and that hurt like hell. Allow me to be a little ranty here — I didn’t spend all these loyal years thinking we were fostering the greatest of friendships which will last forever, only to be dodged off by a guy she’d known a couple of months.
Things were clear, priorities had changed. They always do.
Lesson #3: Years Of Friendship? Just a Number
The longest bond doesn’t translate to the truest bond.
We were (best) friends for seven years. I wish that meant something. I wish there was a concept where, the longer the friendship, the more impossible it is to break it.
But seven was just a number. And there is no point putting so much pressure on a friendship just because of a number. Perhaps the amount of time spent isn’t enough to hold things.
It may also have something to do with the way this time was spent.
For instance, if I had to think about how long we were distance friends, it was much longer than the time we spent as in-person friends. Maybe that weakened our friendship.
For instance, the time we spent away was used up in being around other people who turned out to be more important later on. Maybe that weakened our friendship.
For instance, being away from one another gave us time to realize that we’re bothered by each other’s flaws and would rather be around people who don’t have them. Maybe that weakened our friendship.
Lesson #4: Disappointments Should Be Expected
A guy I dated a while back, slightly older than me, used to tell me — “People are disappointing, you’ll get used to it”.
That sounded like just another common advice or a Pinterest quote.
I strongly believe that we as people, can be way better than we expect of ourselves. He thought that might change after a few years, probably after I’ve had a few let-downs and trust breaks.
I’m not sure I’m entirely there yet but each day, I feel closer to that feeling. I can see where he was coming from. I can see how the people you believe the most in, can disappoint you in ways you would’ve never thought of.
The thing is, you can never be 100% sure about someone, ever. Anybody, however close, bound to you, or faithful, always has a probability of disappointing you. And when they do that, wondering “How could they do that?” is actually pointless.
All I mean to say is, expect disappointments. Always.
Lesson #5: People (or New People) are Always Round The Corner
Thankfully, I had a handful of friends who helped me get through a friendship breakup that hit me like a rock. These are the same friends that always stayed on the back burner in my life because I considered Tina at the top. I realized that was very mean of me to do. My other friends deserved better. And now that I come to think of it, I should’ve actually treated them better.
I will never be sure if I’ll find a replacement for her, or even want one. But I’m glad that I made more than one friend and the kind of friends who would stay by me in times like these. However, the comfort of staying within your group of people is definitely easy.
What is hard is to make friends after college. Yet, new people are always around the corner. Quite soon, there were new people in my life. Friends, friends of friends, colleagues. Some of them are one of the best people I’ve come across in my life and I’m glad I met them.
These were not Tina’s replacements, nor should they be. Rather, these are the people who made me realize that there are better people out there, people who make me feel like I’m valued and that I deserve better than an abandoned-for-a-boyfriend treatment.
Lesson #6: You Can’t Stop Life-ing
For a minute, when a friendship shatters you like that, you may think that you can’t go on. It’s not a relationship but it hurts as bad as (or even more than) one. Good for us, like everything else, life goes on. Life doesn’t stop even after people die, let alone a friendship!
Takes a while for you to start life-ing again. Things remind you of things related to them and you just wait for time to heal you. It sounds dramatic, like a small deal. But think of it this way;
you believed in something for seven whole years with all your heart. You believed to the point that the idea of it dying remained far out of question. Then you get thrown at with a very simple reason, — they found someone else.
For what it’s worth, everyone does and everyone has friendships that end (and begin). Every friendship has a life, it has a time.
Our time has ended. Our friendship — ended.
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For now, I have these lessons with me. I will keep them safe. Certainly, it’ll take me time to heal. Healed enough to be able to say that I don’t care about Tina or what she did to me. That is when I may have completely forgiven her and forgotten her.
“It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend.”
― William Blake
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Photo credit: Thought Catalog on Unsplash
