I am attempting to do something I’ve never done before: use online dating apps but do it with a healthy outlook. My previous experiences with online dating were at times in my life when I was earlier in my growth journey. The first time, following my divorce, I was just clueless about modern dating. I had no idea what I was doing, and I made a lot of mistakes. By the time I returned to it after a relationship, I was angry and jaded. I had a giant chip on my shoulder.
I’m returning again after the end of a nearly two-year relationship, but this time, I’m approaching it with a better mindset. I’m practicing healthy boundaries all around, and it’s already off to a better start. But I’m noticing something interesting. Now that I’m healthier, I can see all the red flags in other people’s profiles. I’m not judging them, but I am reminded of my own.
For a long time, when I thought of online dating, I thought of other people’s bad behavior. I thought about all the fuckery that makes dating such an unpleasant experience. But I didn’t think about the negativity I brought to the experience or what I could be doing wrong. With the benefit of hindsight, I’m seeing all the red flags I was showing to healthier potential partners.
Are You Waving These Red Flags?
You’re Jaded
Being jaded is a red flag. If you’ve had your heartbroken, welcome to being human. We all have. It hurts. We’re supposed to grieve and then move on. We’re not supposed to turn our heartbreak into our identity and use it as an excuse to see everyone else through the same negative lens.
Assuming that everyone is a liar or user doesn’t make us practical and aware. It just makes us jaded and unpleasant. It could close the doors to potentially healthy relationships because the vibe we’re giving off is that we haven’t yet worked on our issues. Therapists are available to help us work through any grief or anger we have about the way our lives have turned out or the interactions we’ve had. Just don’t mistake a potential match for a therapist.
Your Ex Was the Problem
I won’t argue that some of our exes have some serious explaining to do. They are responsible for their bad behavior. We are responsible for our decision to partner them in the first place. Toxic partners often highlight the areas of our lives that require our attention.
My toxic exes showed me that I needed better boundaries — around my time, my interests, my money, and even my identity. Being able to take responsibility for our choices doesn’t mean letting our exes off the hook. It just means having the maturity of perspective. If all our stories feature us as the innocent victim, we’re likely showing a significant red flag that we lack self-awareness.
There’s a Chip on Your Shoulder
Angry, rude profiles don’t hurt my feelings now, but they do make me roll my eyes remembering how I used to have them. For men, they look like warnings that they don’t want gold diggers or someone they need to support. For me, it probably looked like warning men that I didn’t want to raise a grown-ass man who was incapable of carrying his weight.
Here’s the thing: people shouldn’t be looking for someone to financially support them and they should be capable of carrying their weight in relationships. Healthy people without a chip on their shoulder don’t need to say this because they’re alert to those cues when interacting with others. They don’t have to spell it out because they understanding the warning signs and generally aren’t interested in those partners. That big chip on the shoulder often turns away those who might otherwise be interested.
You Move Too Fast
Woah, slow down. Rushing people toward a relationship or wanting exclusivity at the outset is another red flag. But it’s one I understand. I tend to be an all-in sort of person. Chemistry at a deeper level is a rare and beautiful experience for me, so when I find it, I do tend to want to move forward with the person I find it with. At least, that’s the way I used to work.
Now, I’m happy to go slowly, to take the time to get to know someone without feeling a sense of urgency behind it. I may not be getting any younger, but I’m also not getting older any faster than anyone else. I think if I’d slowed down any of my other serious relationships, I would have been able to see that we weren’t well-matched. When we go at lightning speed, we miss some of the indicators that we don’t want the same things.
You Take Yourself Too Seriously
Falling in love may feel serious, but dating can be fun. My profiles used to be so serious. I wanted to convey the type of person I am, but I left out the other side of me. Yes, I want a serious relationship with someone I can talk about everything with, but I’m also quirky and fun. I’m quick with comebacks, and I laugh a lot. It’s okay to show that side, too.
Dating profiles don’t have to be so serious. In fact, I’ve noticed a few of them have prompts to encourage us to show that side of ourselves. In the past, I’d have completed the serious ones only, but now I don’t mind sharing a silly or surprising fact about myself.
Your Low Self-Esteem is Showing
Before I had braces as an adult, I rarely smiled in selfies. My self-consciousness about my smile made my profile so solemn. It also probably made people wonder just how bad my teeth were that I had to hide them. They weren’t bad at all; I just didn’t have a healthy level of self-esteem at the time.
This is prevalent on online dating. People hide their hair or lack of it with hats. People hide their bodies with cleverly posed angles. They use dim or blurry photos, clearly taken with a regular camera too long ago to be a recent photo. Trying to be deceptive is a red flag, and showing that we don’t feel good about ourselves is another one. The right person will love us as we are, and the wrong ones never will. There should be some comfort in that.
All You’ve Got is Small Talk
I don’t want to ask someone how they are until one of us dies. I don’t mind small talk for about a minute, but then I want to move on to other subjects. There’s only so much I can say about my day or the weather. If it begins to feel like an interview or interrogation, we may be forcing the connection rather than letting it develop naturally.
You Are Your Own Favorite Subject
We all want to be seen, loved, and understood, but when all we talk about is ourselves, we’re showing a clear red flag that we’re not really ready for a balanced relationship. I once had a date talk at length about himself and everything he wants in a relationship without once inquiring about me or what I want. It was clear he didn’t care and didn’t want to hear anything but agreement. There was no second date.
Being curious about the other person can help the conversation flow naturally. It’s more than just wanting to know their backstory. It’s wanting to know what they’re reading and what they think about and what makes them smile. We don’t have to rush to get it with an extensive interview. We can learn as we go. But we won’t learn at all if we don’t ask about them and consider what they want and need.
Being Always or Never Available
Either of these pose a significant red flag. Being always and immediately available can indicate poor boundaries and possible codependency. Never being available is going to make someone wonder if we’re too busy to be in a relationship or in one already. Having healthy boundaries around when we respond to messages can help improve our dating experiences, and it also shows others that we’re capable of living our own lives without unreasonable demands from a partner to fill all our free time.
Are You Bored or Boring?
If you always complain about being bored or lonely and want matches to entertain you, you might be boring — not bored. Healthy people have full lives and interests. If we didn’t gain any new hobbies in the last year (and didn’t work in the medical field), what were we doing during quarantine? Always being bored and needing a distraction may indicate unhealthy coping skills or codependence. We all get lonely from time to time, but if we have to be constantly engaging, we might need a hobby, not a new lover or relationship.
Being able to identify our own red flags can show us where we need to do the work. I had a lot of red flags before that I just couldn’t see because I was too busy judging other people to notice where I needed to be healthier. Sometimes, we’re just too close to see it. It could help to ask a friend to evaluate if our dating profiles are accurate and healthy or just a little crazy.
Look, life can be just a little crazy, and none of us are perfect — but there’s a difference between putting our best foot forward and trying to be someone we’re not. Maybe we don’t want to roll out each and every one of our mental health issues in the first conversation, but we should be able to be honest as we’re getting to know someone new.
I’m still trying to find that line between being upfront and oversharing with people who haven’t earned the privilege of knowing those deeper details of my life. The difference between what I’m doing now and what I used to do is that I’m considering these things as I move forward rather than dumping my life history on everyone just to see what they’ll do. I’m letting things develop, and I’m not in a hurry.
There are no deadlines with dating. There are a lot of red flags though. It’s impossible not to see them out there. It’s just important that we don’t overlook our own in the process. We aren’t for everyone, and we’re not meant to be. Once we get that, maybe we can relax and just enjoy the process of getting to know new people.
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Previously Published on medium
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