The One Trait Divorcing Parents Need to Have

Divorce brings new realities flooding in from all sides. Some of them we don’t want to look at.

We are often urged to accept reality. Sounds obvious and reasonable, doesn’t it! Too bad it’s so hard to do.

When I struggle to accept something, it’s because I want my world to be one way, and it’s a different way. I’ll do anything not to see that piece of reality right then because if I look at it and accept it into my worldview, I’ll have to feel whatever sadness or anger or hurt comes with it. And it won’t be fun.

Accepting that the marriage is really over is hard for many divorcing parents. In my case, although I initiated the split, I could only look sideways at myself as a soon-to-be-divorced woman. The pain surrounding that was too overpowering to take in all at once — I felt it would have squashed me if I tried. So I got to know it gradually, with support, until I could stare it right in the eye.

The Unwelcome Guest

Why bother with that hard internal stuff like accepting reality? Why not keep on keeping on, and just make sure we get the groceries bought and the kids to school in clean clothes?

That’s what’s important, right?

Partly. Getting those things done is important. But we won’t be able to move forward with rebuilding our lives until we let in our new realities. Open the door to that grubby unwelcome guest who keeps rattling the kitchen doorknob. Find a spot for it to sleep, sit near it and get to know it. Hear what it has to say, and weep. When it is finally known and its messages absorbed, it will slink out the door. Then we are free to ask how we will live our tomorrows.

Attending to the inner work allows us to accomplish our tasks in the outer world.

How to begin?

If you are in a difficult transition such as learning to co-parent children from two homes, start by assessing your overall level of stress. Do you need to get help and support? If so, get it. I used both a group and, intermittently, a counselor, and they made all the difference.

Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad free

If you are okay to proceed on your own, here are some steps to try:

1. List the main outside changes you are making or facing, such as moving to a new place, starting a new schedule of being with your children or making different financial arrangements.

2. Jot down the internal shifts you need to make which go with those changes. Mine included seeing myself as no longer married and part of my previous family – shifting to the identity of a separated and part-time mom.

3. Read through your list of outside changes and internal shifts. Which is the hardest for you?

4. Choose one tough aspect of reality and say it aloud. “I’m single and 45.” “My kids won’t have the stable family that I had growing up.” “My ex has lied to me.”

5. Have a conversation with yourself about that tough thing. As well as, “How do I feel about this?” ask, “What’s the hardest about this? What does it mean to me, or represent? If I accept that this is happening, what does that mean?” Write down your answers without worrying about grammar or anything else. (This is for your eyes only. No electronic sharing at this point!)

6. Once you have explored your tough thing, ask, “Is there any part of this that I can accept, for now?” If the answer is, “No” you may want to reassess whether you need support. Or, it may be too soon. If you identify something you can begin to accept, write it down. Read it and breathe in and out. Repeat. Let whatever feelings arise come in. If you are overwhelmed, stop and go for a walk.

7. Be kind to yourself. When you’ve had time to digest what you have written down, it’s time for an action plan: identify anything concrete you can do to help yourself accept that tough reality. Make sure it is legal and won’t stir up family drama– your kids don’t need that. Focus on nurturing yourself and exploring something new. An action I took to help me accept being separated was joining a nearby church for social support. A friend of mine signed up for salsa lessons.

Does this sound like too big a deal, too much to tackle? I get it. This takes effort and courage.

Yes, accepting reality is a lot of work, but so is ignoring that unwelcome guest camped in your mind. Where do you want to spend your energy?

—

◊♦◊The Good Men Project is different from most media companies. We are a “participatory media company”—which means we don’t just have content you read and share and comment on but it means we have multiple ways you can actively be a part of the conversation. As you become a deeper part of the conversation—The Conversation No One Else is Having—you will learn all of the ways we support our Writers’ Community—community FB groups, weekly conference calls, classes in writing, editing platform building and How to Create Social Change.

◊♦◊

Here are more ways to become a part of The Good Men Project community:

Request to join our private Facebook Group for Writers—it’s like our virtual newsroom where you connect with editors and other writers about issues and ideas.

Click here to become a Premium Member of The Good Men Project Community. Have access to these benefits:

Get access to an exclusive “Members Only” Group on Facebook
Join our Social Interest Groups—weekly calls about topics of interest in today’s world
View the website with no ads
Get free access to classes, workshops, and exclusive events
Be invited to an exclusive weekly “Call with the Publisher” with other Premium Members
Commenting badge.

Are you stuck on what to write? Sign up for our Writing Prompts emails, you’ll get ideas directly from our editors every Monday and Thursday. If you already have a final draft, then click below to send your post through our submission system.

If you are already working with an editor at GMP, please be sure to name that person. If you are not currently working with a GMP editor, one will be assigned to you.

◊♦◊

Are you a first-time contributor to The Good Men Project? Submit here:

◊♦◊

Have you contributed before and have a Submittable account? Use our Quick Submit link here:

◊♦◊

Do you have previously published work that you would like to syndicate on The Good Men Project? Click here:

Join our exclusive weekly “Call with the Publisher” — where community members are encouraged to discuss the issues of the week, get story ideas, meet other members and get known for their ideas? To get the call-in information, either join as a member or wait until you get a post published with us. Here are some examples of what we talk about on the calls.

Want to learn practical skills about how to be a better Writer, Editor or Platform Builder? Want to be a Rising Star in Media? Want to learn how to Create Social Change? We have classes in all of those areas.

While you’re at it, get connected with our social media:

To join our Facebook Page, go here.
To sign up for our email newsletter, go here.
To follow The Good Men Project on Twitter, go here.

◊♦◊

However, you engage with The Good Men Project—you can help lead this conversation about the changing roles of men in the 21st century. Join us!

Do you want to talk about how to have richer, more mindful, and enduring relationships?

Join like-minded individuals in The Good Men Project Community.

◊♦◊

Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad free

We have pioneered the largest worldwide conversation about what it means to be a good man in the 21st century. Your support of our work is inspiring and invaluable.