One of the essential preconditions of a good relationship is having a satisfactory perspective on being single. The more we are happy to be on our own, the more we will be able to exercise the correct degree of caution around finding a new companion. The bedrock of true love is happy singledom.
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Societies do very little to help us calm or at ease in our own company. Singledom is often framed as an involuntary, depressing, and always, hopefully, temporary state. The notion that someone might want or need to be on their own, perhaps for a long while, terrifies a world shaped by legions of silently miserable couples who need confirmation that they have not chosen the wrong path.
To enforce the idea of what single people are missing, advertisers can never have enough of showing off tantalising images of happy couples walking hand in hand on beaches. Most entertainment venues, holiday destinations, and social occasions feel compelled to patronise, overcharge, and otherwise demean anyone who has the impotence to venture out on their own.
Unfortunately, being miserable while single fatally undermines our judgment about whom we might get together with. When someone is starving, they will eat anything. Dostoyevsky wrote a harrowing short story about a famished child who eats a candle made of pig fat. We are equally liable for emotional desperation. To run into the nearest nightclub to secure a chump/muppet who will be appalled to find beside us at daybreak, we eventually learn that being in an unsatisfactory relationship is clearly worse and even more lonely than being alone.
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The central challenge of being alone is coping with the fear of what singlehood means. Being alone is bearable in relation to how normal that highly nebulous yet highly influential concept of the condition feels to us at any given point. It can either be a break from an honourably busy life or short evidence that we are an unwanted, wretched, disgusting, and emotionally diseased being.
This is tricky but ultimately very hopeful, for it suggests that if only we could work on what being alone means to us, we could theoretically endure long periods alone. To build ourselves a new mental model of what being alone should truly mean, we might rehearse a few of the following arguments.
Despite what an unfriendly voice inside our heads might tell us, we are the ones who can choose whether or not to be alone. Our solitude is willed rather than imposed. No one ever needs to be alone, so long as they don’t mind who they are with. But we do mind; the wrong kind of company is a great deal lonelier for us than being by ourselves. That is, it’s further from what matters to us more grating, and it’s insincerity and more of a reminder of disconnection and misunderstanding than is the conversation we can have in the quiet of our minds.
Being alone is not proof that the world has rejected us. It’s a sign that we’ve taken a good look at the available options and have, with wisdom, done some rejecting ourselves. Another big thought is that we need to appreciate how long it will take to find someone, given how choosy we are, for very good reasons. We aren’t just looking for anyone; the right candidate will be no less easy to find than a great job or a beautiful house. It might take many months, probably years. Expectations matter. If we regard a decade as a plausible timeframe, six months will skip. There is no better guarantee of a successful relationship than knowing that we could and can manage perfectly well on our own. It means that we will only look for someone who can deeply contribute to our life, not the societal pressure to conform to a certain relationship status can be overwhelming.
It’s as though being single is seen as a failure or something to be ashamed of. But in reality, being single can be a time of growth, reflection, and self-discovery. When we learn to appreciate our own company, we become more discerning about the people we choose to spend our time with. We become less likely to settle for someone who doesn’t meet our standards or who doesn’t treat us with the respect and care we deserve.
Being single doesn’t mean being lonely. Loneliness can affect anyone, regardless of their relationship status. However, when we have a healthy relationship with ourselves, we are less likely to feel lonely even when we are physically alone. We learn to enjoy our company, pursue our interests and passions, and build a fulfilling life on our own terms.
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Of course, being single isn’t always easy. It can be challenging to navigate the dating scene, to deal with rejection, or to come to terms with the fact that we might not find a partner right away. But with time and practice, we can learn to embrace the uncertainty and take joy in the journey of self-discovery. We can learn to appreciate the small moments of happiness and trust that the right person will come when the time is right.
The key to a successful relationship isn’t just about finding the right person but about being the right person. By cultivating a healthy and satisfying relationship with us, we become more resilient, more discerning, and more capable of creating meaningful connections with others.
So if you’re single, don’t despair. Use this time to grow, to learn, and to love yourself. And when the time comes, you’ll be ready to welcome love into your life with open arms.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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