Since when did we as a society put a blanket ban on the art and emotional satisfaction found in being petty? Since when did we insist on taking the high road, and subsequently waving our flag of moral superiority in everyone’s faces? Have we forgotten how satisfying it is to be petty as hell to someone that deserves it?
Small Acts of Pettiness
Don’t get me wrong, small acts of kindness are great and all, but not everyone deserves them. People who have wronged you, people who have ripped the rug out from under your feet and left you with a lifetime’s worth of emotional baggage don’t deserve your kindness.
Is my personal situation showing? I know it is. When my husband of 13 years abandoned me last Christmas, I slid into the warm pool of pettiness. And it feels so good.
Before I dive in, I want to acknowledge that, no, pettiness isn’t a sustainable practice, and that, yes, people can and do take it too far. This is not that.
Don’t Leave Your Possessions Unattended
My ex-husband made the mistake of leaving a lot of his possessions in the house when he left one night a week before Christmas. Well, I couldn’t just let his junk take up space, now could I? Plus, leaving them in the house where I constantly saw them was too traumatizing.
In no time I had emptied all the drawers and closets of his clothes. I dumped them in the garage and poured oil all over them. Good luck getting long-set oil stains out of fabric!
And then there was his Sonicare toothbrush. Why he didn’t take his toothbrush with him of all things, I’ll never know (gross). But you know what? It makes an excellent toothbrush for my dog. The head is small and really gets into all the nooks and crannies of his mouth. My ex recently asked to pick up his toothbrush (five months after he left…) and I can’t wait for him to brush his teeth with it.
Then there’s the beer stein I bought him in Disneyworld. I had specifically set money aside to surprise him with a stein from the German portion of Epcot. Those suckers easily cost $100 and up. Throwing it against the garage wall was pure poetry. It smashed beautifully. Better than glass. A fitting ending to a gift he never even used.
Access Denied
My ex-husband asked to stop by and pick up some of the possessions he couldn’t fit in our car the night he abandoned me. He also asked to visit our dog. I laughed.
The gall of that man. To abandon me six days before Christmas and not respond when I texted that night merely to ask him if he was okay. To serve me with divorce papers three days after the worst Christmas of my life. To force me to go through a divorce, which is often cited as the second-most stressful life event. And now that jerk wants his stuff back? Including (get this) a few empty spice bottles?
In the words of Daniel Kaluuya, “Nope.”
Maybe, if I’m feeling merciful, I’ll gather some on his oil-soaked clothes, his dog-breath toothbrush, and a spice bottle missing its lid and leave them in a garbage bag in the driveway on a rainy day. Sure, come on by and pick them up, I’ll text him.
Future Plans
We’re selling the house this summer. When I move out, I’m going to leave my mark. Will it be in a spray-painted message on the quilt his mother made us for our wedding? Or perhaps I will take our wedding album and tack each and every picture to his bedroom wall with the best Julia Robert’s quote of all time: “Big mistake, Huge!” scrawled around the collage.
I’m sure my dog, who has been by my side through it all would like to get in on the action. His poop is often cited by fellow dog owners as the smelliest they’ve ever smelled. Perhaps he’d like to leave his runaway father with a little memento in the heating duct.
There are endless possibilities.
Have you ever done something petty but justified? Let me know!
Want access to all my Medium articles? Become a member here:
Join Medium with my referral link – Diana Pearce
Read every story from Diana Pearce (and thousands of other writers on Medium). Your membership fee directly supports…
medium.com
Want to show your support and buy me a coffee? (Totally okay if you can’t!)
https://buy.stripe.com/4gw7u57yK6nK0W4eUU
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS. Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
Compliments Men Want to Hear More Often | Relationships Aren’t Easy, But They’re Worth It | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | ..A Man’s Kiss Tells You Everything |
—–
Photo credit: Toa Heftiba on Unsplash