Let’s get some facts out right at the beginning. Men’s suicide rate is “3.9 times higher than women.” What a great way to start off an article. Let’s keep going. Men’s overdose rate is also two to three times higher. These are some of the hard facts of the men’s loneliness epidemic that has gotten a lot of attention over the last several weeks.
For someone who writes in the fatherhood sphere, specifically about my experiences as a stay-at-home dad, these statistics don’t surprise me.
What does, however, have been some of the responses. Or to be more accurate, the responses I have encountered on social media, which I know is a bubble. But still, it has been disturbing.
“Good,” is a quote I have seen popping up again and again by women content creators.
“Ha ha!” is another nuanced, well-thought-out response.
But my personal favorite (that seems to be most popular) is that men’s loneliness is not a problem for women to solve. I particularly love when it is said in a mocking tone, but it happens to be right.
This is the last nice thing I’m going to write in this article.
This is part of the reason why men don’t choose to be vulnerable.
Let’s start with the misnaming of what is actually going on. Dr. Richard Reeves of the Brookings Institute and author of the book Of Boys and Men terms the current situation as a friendship deficit. That is more accurate, and a topic that I will write about in an article next month. And it is not a problem that women can fix, should fix, or have any responsibility for.
What I am disgusted about is that men are being vulnerable, admitting pain, and some of the response has been mockery and ridicule. Men are dying. It’s as clear as damn day, and how does this vocal minority in our society treat it? By making fun of men or telling them that they deserve it. I use that word choice deliberately. There is an argument out there that men deserve to die. I’m sure when we confront people, they would say “I didn’t mean it like that,” or “You took it the wrong way.”
Bullshit. Yup, I’m going to cuss now even though here at The Good Men Project I try to be more civilized. But for this topic, only emotional words will do. I heard what I heard, and I immediately recognized it as the verbiage of a bully and abuser. It’s the excuse that those types of people give.
Prior to my life as a writer, I investigated the abuse, neglect, and exploitation of the aged and disabled. I’ve confronted the worst of the worst. I’ve walked into households where those words were the first excuse given. She deserved it. That was a bullshit response then, and it’s a bullshit response now.
Pain should not be a competition.
Men are told to open up more. We are told to be honest about our inner struggles, seek therapy, and reach out to others. And what happens when we do? Our worst fear. We are made to seem weak and insignificant when we share something so emotionally personal.
Instead of recognizing that we are hurting, the response of some has been to tell us to “man up.” So yeah, some of us have put our emotional pain out there and are stomped for it. Hell, I’ve been on this very page advocating for men to create deeper bonds, showing them how to do it, and to be honest about their struggles. I’ve told them that it will be ok, and now I feel like a owe a whole bunch of dudes a fucking apology.
I try very hard here in this column not to put women down. I believe that scoreboarding about which gender has it worse only leads to stupid competition about whose pain is more deserving. And I can understand the facts that women are paid less, are penalized professionally for having a child, and are carrying an unfair load of the emotional labor of parenting and even in the workplace. The systemic inequities between genders in our culture are not beside the point in the least; in fact these two issues are so intertwined you can’t really solve one without the other.
But I also believe that men suffer from a friendship deficit, that our lives are unfairly ruled by competition, and that we are killing ourselves because we cannot meet societal expectations of our gender. Many times in my life I have felt that my worth as a man has been judged by how much pain I can endure without complaint. That is the way men are raised. Suck it up. Be stoic. Take the pain and don’t talk about it. It doesn’t matter if it’s emotional or physical pan. Man up.
Both things can be true, that is how intersectionality works. We have a complicated social structure that is harming everyone it touches, which is everyone. But I can’t stand by when men are suffering and it’s being cheered on with glee as if it is justifiable retribution. I’ve been an at-home dad for the last fifteen years and the number of times I’ve been made to feel like an outcast because I am not conforming to gender stereotypes is ridiculous. I know guys that have had the police called on them for being at the park on a Tuesday. I’ve been sat on by women at the mall playground who didn’t realize I was there and was somehow made to feel as if it was my fault.
It’s hard even in the parenting writing world where I have been told at a conference that society doesn’t want fatherhood advice, so we are not going to discuss it. This is a problem with both genders. For every man who has asked me if I have ovaries, there has been a woman questioning my manhood for staying with the kids. I’ve lived that loneliness firsthand, and it scares me to think what I would be like if I didn’t crawl my way out of it and create my own world.
I know that social media is toxic. I know that it brings out the worst of all of us, but it is still shocking to see at times. I tend to think that 20% of people are absolute garbage no matter the gender. And they are loud and dramatic. Nothing gets more great press and drama. I get that. But there has to be some pushback somewhere.
I don’t believe that all women are happy and all men are lonely. They have sons, brothers, and fathers. They have daughters, sisters, mothers. They have wives and some of us even have friends of both genders.
I cannot believe a man could look at his son and be happy that he is emotionally closed off from the world because it ridicules him when he is open. I have to believe this the same way that I believe most men are pissed when our daughters get catcalled, objectified and subjected to horrendous sexism, reduced to an image for men’s imaginations. I care about those things because women deserve the safety and agency that all people should have.
And that is all I want for men as well. To have the freedom to be vulnerable, to be authentic, and to talk about our problems so we can have a better world for my sons and daughters.
Both genders deserve to be heard. It really is that simple.
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
I’ve also read the cnn article regarding lonely men but women invading or destroying mens spaces is not considered. Male dominated spaces are considered evil now. Men have no “place”, clubs, work, sports where women haven’t invaded….even super bowl parties. At some point we have to blame women and govt policies for mens isolation.