Being sexually obsessed with one’s partner is true love
Although the beliefs that I’ve discussed thus far alone are enough to cause many problems, there was something else about the sexual experience that hooked me into becoming a sex addict.
Sex was my respite from the world, a time when my anxieties were quieted and I could flow joyfully, freely and spontaneously. It was the only place where I consistently experienced a sense of well-being.
Orgasm, not only mine but of my partner, was the height of physical pleasure. Orgasm left me spent and at peace. Is it any wonder why I wanted to return to it often? The problem was that with the sexual experience being the only place that left me with these feelings I became obsessed with returning to them often.
Within a short time after the experience was over I would be thinking about the next time. In between sexual experiences I would be planning how to get my fix. If it meant wooing, I would woo. If it meant bribing, I would bribe. I developed a full arsenal of techniques from threats and guilt to promises and sweetness, to achieve my goal.
My sexual obsession motivated me to be a good sexual student. I copiously read books and took workshops on sexuality. The upside was becoming a better lover. The downside was adding more ammunition to make my partner wrong when she wasn’t as interested in sex as I was.
My sexuality was rooted in dependency. For years, I had felt somewhat superior to the addicts that I treated because I was not dependent on drugs or alcohol. Acknowledging that the only difference between us was our drug of choice was one of the most humbling experience of my life.
Like any addict, when I finally admitted my addiction I had to swear off my drug until I resolved the cause of my addiction. That meant learning how to create a sense of well-being that wasn’t dependent on something outside of myself.
From my work with addicts, I knew that when faced with this dilemma many people turned to a source outside of themselves for their sense of well-being. Typically these sources included food, religion, sugar, television or money. I knew that I needed to learn how to create my sense of well-being from within myself. Only in that way could sex take its place as an integral and healthy part of my life rather than be an out of proportion, problematic part of my life.
Sex, out of mutual love and desire, not out of dependency, puts it in an entirely different place. It is an experience that I now enter into when both my partner and I are feeling a desire that comes from both a physical desire and an emotional connection.
Sorry to bring it up but remembering that we all suffer from some kind of dependency on things outside of ourselves for our well-being might make it easier to look at and begin learning about how to move from a dependency to creating a sense of well-being from within.
(Note: If you are new to this series, the Introduction to the series is below)
Nothing limits our ability to love and be loved, and to find joy and fulfillment more than the beliefs that disconnect us from our hearts. And, nowhere do these beliefs cause more limitations than in our sex lives.
Learning about my sexuality meant challenging a great deal of what conventional thinking had taught me. Although my experiences are from a heterosexual perspective, I know from nearly fifty years of teaching about relationships and practicing psychotherapy with people across the sexual identity spectrum that we all share both many limiting beliefs and the desire for meaningful intimate relationships.
Some of the deeply engrained false sexual beliefs and fears that plagued my life will be addressed. The last blog in this series “Sex Beyond Belief” describes a different kind of sex, one that emerges when we are out of our heads and the sexual experience transcends false beliefs.