A man asks Eli and Josie for advice about his wife’s unexpected fantasy.

Dear Sexes: My wife wants to give a blow-job to a stranger. Should I let her?

She Said: First, let’s clear up some language. I don’t think we should be looking at this in terms of you “letting her” do something or not. You’re not the boss of her, nor are you her parent, so it’s not about allowing her to do something. Instead, this is a decision the two of you need to discuss as partners.

As far as whether it’s a good idea for your wife to give a blow job to another guy, I can only say, “I really can’t say.” I don’t know exactly where the two of you are in terms of relationships with others outside your marriage, or how much you’ve discussed having a non-monogamous relationship. Have you had outside partners before? How did that work out? Do you plan on bringing in other partners in the future? If so, do you know how this is going to operate?

Quite often, people jump into threesomes and other outside-partnered interludes too lightly. It seems sexy and fun, and it can be, but the reality is that it’s also quite complicated. People who have happy, healthy polyamorous relationships know the key is lots of communication about boundaries, jealousy, and commitment.

This arrangement can’t work if you’re worried about your wife having feelings for this man, and someday leaving you for him. If, however, you will get some pleasure from either watching (with the recipient’s consent, of course!) the BJ take place, or from knowing one of her fantasies is being fulfilled, then maybe it’s something to explore.

One thing I know for sure is this: It’s pretty rare in casual relationships for a sexual interaction to begin and end at a blow job. Discuss with your wife whether there will be mouth-kissing, and other types of body touch involved as well. Figure out where you think all touching/interaction should begin and end. Be clear in the boundaries you’re comfortable with, and listen to her reasons for her boundaries.

Take a look at Jamie Utt’s version of the Yes, No, Maybe Worksheet. It’s a great tool for discussing with your partner (and the other guy) exactly what you’re all comfortable with.

I know this all seems very un-sexy and too serious. But this is your wife. You’ve pledged life-long commitment to her, and she to you, and if you’re going to be changing the parameters of that commitment, it should be taken seriously. And remember, consent is sexy!

He Said: Off the top of my head I’m gonna go with “NO!”  But let’s dig a little deeper here. You said “should I let her?” I ask you, can you stop her? Is this something your wife is hellbent on doing? Will forbidding her make her even more persistent in her quest? Ultimately, it’s her body, so she can do with it as she pleases. If that doesn’t please you, should let her know how you feel.

Speaking of pleasing, what are the other details of this situation? Will you be recording the activity? What do both, or either, of you hope to accomplish here, and is it something that you or your wife think will enhance your own relationship? If you and your wife decide to proceed, you should really make sure the two of you have a long, honest, open conversation about your respective expectations.

You should also think about the possible effects (good and bad) of such actions. What if your wife wants to continue to do this? Is that okay with you? What if she regrets her decision? What if you regret the decision? Perhaps this adventure will add spice to your love life – a new dimension. But what if it doesn’t? What if it clouds your relationship, moving forward? Is that a risk you and your wife are willing to take?

I’m not saying this is an impossible situation to navigate successfully. But I will say, you, your wife, (and the stranger receiving fellatio – what if he wants more?) will be walking a very fine line. Have you seen the movie “Chasing Amy”, where the couple decides to engage in a threesome with a friend, to “fix” their relationship? Well, your situation is totally different. Your situation is more like chasing Amy across a busy street, while blindfolded. Success might be exhilarating, failure will have extreme consequences!

P.S. – Don’t ignore the health risks involved in adding a complete stranger to your sex-life. This person should be tested beforehand, and protection should be used (yes, even for a blow-job!).

Do you have a question for Eli and Josie? Ask it here! 

Originally appeared at She Said He Said

Image courtesy of Flickr/eflon