Should I Let My Wife Hook Up With Another Guy?

A man asks Eli and Josie for advice about his wife’s unexpected fantasy.

Dear Sexes: My wife wants to give a blow-job to a stranger. Should I let her?

She Said: First, let’s clear up some language. I don’t think we should be looking at this in terms of you “letting her” do something or not. You’re not the boss of her, nor are you her parent, so it’s not about allowing her to do something. Instead, this is a decision the two of you need to discuss as partners.

As far as whether it’s a good idea for your wife to give a blow job to another guy, I can only say, “I really can’t say.” I don’t know exactly where the two of you are in terms of relationships with others outside your marriage, or how much you’ve discussed having a non-monogamous relationship. Have you had outside partners before? How did that work out? Do you plan on bringing in other partners in the future? If so, do you know how this is going to operate?

Quite often, people jump into threesomes and other outside-partnered interludes too lightly. It seems sexy and fun, and it can be, but the reality is that it’s also quite complicated. People who have happy, healthy polyamorous relationships know the key is lots of communication about boundaries, jealousy, and commitment.

This arrangement can’t work if you’re worried about your wife having feelings for this man, and someday leaving you for him. If, however, you will get some pleasure from either watching (with the recipient’s consent, of course!) the BJ take place, or from knowing one of her fantasies is being fulfilled, then maybe it’s something to explore.

One thing I know for sure is this: It’s pretty rare in casual relationships for a sexual interaction to begin and end at a blow job. Discuss with your wife whether there will be mouth-kissing, and other types of body touch involved as well. Figure out where you think all touching/interaction should begin and end. Be clear in the boundaries you’re comfortable with, and listen to her reasons for her boundaries.

Take a look at Jamie Utt’s version of the Yes, No, Maybe Worksheet. It’s a great tool for discussing with your partner (and the other guy) exactly what you’re all comfortable with.

I know this all seems very un-sexy and too serious. But this is your wife. You’ve pledged life-long commitment to her, and she to you, and if you’re going to be changing the parameters of that commitment, it should be taken seriously. And remember, consent is sexy!

He Said: Off the top of my head I’m gonna go with “NO!”  But let’s dig a little deeper here. You said “should I let her?” I ask you, can you stop her? Is this something your wife is hellbent on doing? Will forbidding her make her even more persistent in her quest? Ultimately, it’s her body, so she can do with it as she pleases. If that doesn’t please you, should let her know how you feel.

Speaking of pleasing, what are the other details of this situation? Will you be recording the activity? What do both, or either, of you hope to accomplish here, and is it something that you or your wife think will enhance your own relationship? If you and your wife decide to proceed, you should really make sure the two of you have a long, honest, open conversation about your respective expectations.

You should also think about the possible effects (good and bad) of such actions. What if your wife wants to continue to do this? Is that okay with you? What if she regrets her decision? What if you regret the decision? Perhaps this adventure will add spice to your love life – a new dimension. But what if it doesn’t? What if it clouds your relationship, moving forward? Is that a risk you and your wife are willing to take?

I’m not saying this is an impossible situation to navigate successfully. But I will say, you, your wife, (and the stranger receiving fellatio – what if he wants more?) will be walking a very fine line. Have you seen the movie “Chasing Amy”, where the couple decides to engage in a threesome with a friend, to “fix” their relationship? Well, your situation is totally different. Your situation is more like chasing Amy across a busy street, while blindfolded. Success might be exhilarating, failure will have extreme consequences!

P.S. – Don’t ignore the health risks involved in adding a complete stranger to your sex-life. This person should be tested beforehand, and protection should be used (yes, even for a blow-job!).

 

Do you have a question for Eli and Josie? Ask it here! 

 

Originally appeared at She Said He Said

 

Image courtesy of Flickr/eflon

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About She Said He Said

Eli and Josie, friends since college, realized how lucky they were to have one another—an honest friend of the opposite sex who tells it like it is. They wanted to share that with the world and so www.shesaidhesaid.me was born.

Comments

  1. Of course you shouldn’t agree to letting your wife be sexual with another man! Give your head a shake! Why would you? You are married, and that means being faithful to each other and honouring the boundaries of the marriage relationship. If you want to have sex with other people, then get a divorce and be single and have sex with whoever you want. Why did you get married to begin with?

    • There is more to marriage than sex. The notion that marriage is all about sex is rather demeaning to marriage, I think. Many marriages are not sexually monogamous, and on the other side of the coin, asexual people get married, too.

  2. InsertNameHere says:

    If my wife wanted to do that the next thing we would be discussing would be divorce.

    • Steve Steveson says:

      Then you need to look closly at your marage. I would never want my wife doing that, but if she wanted to and could not ask me without me threatening devorce then the marage would be over long before she asks the question.

      My wife can ask me anything, as long as she accepts my yes or no, or accepts the consequences of ignoring a no i.e. she can ask me if I would be ok with it and I say no then we move on. If she goes ahead anyway she has to accept that she has cheated and I will react just as any other rational person would to cheating. The same works if I wanted to, say, sleep with another woman. I should be able to ask with no consiquences but accept her answer.

      If you cannot comunicate with your partner about absolutly anything without repercussions then you have problems. Thats not to say there won’t be feelings, but you deal with those, not lash out on them.

  3. I think the only thing that needs to be asked is how stupid are you for even considering this and asking about it. What you need to ask about is the nearest divorce lawyer

  4. Uh, yeah. It absolutely is a matter of “letting her” or not. As in, no you will not do that or you will be getting the f*ck out of my house.

  5. The stranger will obviously be much more handsome and possessing a bigger penis than the husband.

  6. So ,if I get this right, this guys wife just tells him (not asks) that she wants to give head to a stranger? Wow! She really has respect for this loser, a real sence of commitment toward him.

    • For real… the ONLY question I have is, “What kind of loser must this guy be that his wife a) needs to find it somewhere else and b) respects him so little that she wants to find it somewhere else?

      I mean, the wife’s way off track too, don’t get me wrong. But with a pussy of a husband who has to ask a damn advice column what to do about this, it doesn’t wholly surprise me.

      • Yeah, maybe he had to ask because she wouldn’t open her purse and let him have his balls back even for a little while!

      • Joanna Schroeder says:

        You guys sure are hard on a fella,

        Here’s the thing. Not everyone is satisfied by monogamy. Some people want to have sex with people outside of marriage and very happily pursue polyamory or other multi-partnered relationships. To presume that any poly couple is made up of losers is just dead wrong.

        We simply don’t have enough info about this guy’s wife’s fantasy to judge it. This couple could be venturing into a very fulfilling sexual future together with outside partners. That isn’t simple, but it happens all the time with a wide range of relationships.

        • I respectfully disagree. Polyamory is a distortion of real love and real intimacy. All of us are broken and searching. For some, that brokenness manifests in perversions of sexuality and intimacy.

          No amount of additional information would change the fact that the marriage relationship is a sacred commitment and must be protected and preserved.

          • So tell me truthfully Joanna, in a couple of years, if your boys happen to be married and one of them comes to you and says something like “Gee mom , my wife tells me that now she wants to go give some stranger ‘head’. What should I do? That’s the advice you’re going to give him?

          • Joanna Schroeder says:

            Do you also feel that marriage should be between one man and one woman only? Because that’s what the anti same-sex marriage folks say, too.

            Consenting adults can do whatever they want, with whatever other consenting adults, whenever they want. Yours or my judgement doesn’t belong in people’s bedrooms. Fuck a toaster for all I care, it’s not my business.

            • First, I have no desire to force any morals or behaviors (assuming everything’s legal and not harmful to those near them) on anyone. Even if I could, requiring someone to do/not do something just because it offends my scruples is silly.

              With that said, and as you suspect, I do believe marriage is the union of one man and one woman.

              And while i am NOT an activist against any lifestyle, it does seem to me that though we don’t legislate a certain morality, promoting harmful advice is just that: harmful.

              Encouraging an obviously weak man to consider supporting an activity that will harm his marriage is, frankly, cruel.

            • Steve Steveson says:

              I’m sorry, but that comes accross as “I’m not racists but…” type of answer.

            • Joanna Schroeder says:

              Right. I just wanted to make clear to everyone where Josh was coming from so as to put into perspective his beliefs on marriage.

            • So’s telling someone to “Fuck a toaster”.

            • Joanna Schroeder says:

              Oh, I wasn’t telling HIM to fuck a toaster, I was just saying that as long as the toaster’s unplugged, it’s not my business.

            • FWIW, I understood that you were not directing that at me. Even if you were, it’s an amusing expression. I wouldn’t have minded the chuckle.

          • “Polyamory is a distortion of real love and real intimacy.”

            Well, at least you aren’t, like, closed minded about it.

            • I’m completely closed-minded about it. It’s not a matter of opinion or perspective. The marriage convenant is sacred and ought not be trespassed whether or not one or both people agree to it. Marriage is bigger than married people.

              Further, as men, we’ve got the weighty burden of guarding and defending our marriages. If we’re so frail that we need to seek anonymous, wishy-washy advice to try to convince ourselves that our wife sucking some other dude’s dick is alright, then there’s significant problems there.

              My advice to this “man” is to sack up and give his wife a man she can be proud of, so that she won’t go looking for it elsewhere.

            • This statement – ” It’s not a matter of opinion or perspective.” lets me know you literally are incapable of discussing the issue intelligently. As such, this will be my last reply to you.

            • ” as men, we’ve got the weighty burden of guarding and defending our marriages” So, men are the custodians of marital fidelity and harmony? What about all the men who cheat on their wives, usually without any discussion or disclosure? There is a whole male culture around cheating – online sites like Ashley Madison, business trips involving hookers… Don’t be suggesting that men have a superior moral compass and the onus of maintaining a marriage rests solely with them. It should be a mutual agreement. At least this guy’s wife wanted to talk about it. Talking with your intimate other about your fantasies is healthy, not perverse. we are a long way past, “close your eyes and think of England”. Women are allowed to have sexual fantasies. Whether or not these two can come to a mutually tolerable arrangement is really a matter of how well they can communicate with each other.

            • I have an especially fierce loathing of men who violate their marriage covenants. This isn’t a who is better than whom conversation.

              The rest of your response must be directed towards someone else since it has no relation to anything I’ve said, so I’ll let them respond to those comments.

            • Its *entirely* a matter of opinion and perspective, but because it doesn’t match up with *your* opinion and perspective, it doesn’t matter to *you*. *You* see marriage as the “sacred cow” that only a man and a woman can own, share, and enjoy together. While others may see it as a commitment between 2 people to love one another, regardless of gender and sexual considerations.

              Love comes in more than one form. Two people can love one another emotionally and spiritually, while desiring to have a open sexual relationship. Its entirely within reason for them to consider opening their marriage sexually and many people have found that to be an experience or aspect of their lives that actually enhances their connection and strengthens their physical and emotional relationships.

              Drew is correct in that you aren’t capable of taking on another persons perspective and being understanding or even considerate of another persons opinions.

            • “Drew is correct in that you aren’t capable of taking on another persons perspective and being understanding or even considerate of another persons opinions.”

              That’s not even the problem – he lacks the ability to distinguish between a fact and an opinion. A failing on that kind of level, something that grade school children understand, shows a fundamental lack of intelligence.

        • So,you didn’t answer. Would you give the same advice?

          • So, whatta say Joanna

            • Joanna Schroeder says:

              Based on what? Josh believing in the “traditional” definition of marriage?

              No, that changes nothing. I don’t need a bigoted person to tell me that I’m wrong about judging others’ sex lives. I’ve heard the “one man one woman” story my whole life, and I don’t buy it.

              Or was there something I missed?

            • Yeah, surpriseingly enough, it got moderated out. Whoda thunk it?

            • Joanna Schroeder says:

              Ask it again?

        • Its not the open relationship most commenters have a problem with. Its the apparent henpecked, cuckolded, pussy-whipped attitude of the guy.

          You’re right we dont have enough nformation about him but from the way his question is stated, it seems he feels honored to be in a relationship with this goddess of a woman and he is desperate to continue it even if that means letting her bang other dudes. There is no mention of his own sexuality.

          • Keith,

            Ditto!!! The guys is a chump.

            First, it is going to be, “can I give a bj to a stranger?” Next, it is going to be, “can I screw my co-worker?”. Then, “Oh, I want to have sex with black guy while you watch…”

            The guy is missing the fact that women know much better than the men the true state of their marriage. The writing is on the wall. She is craving variety, novelty, and….. Now if he is down with, it’s their business.

            But, the guy is being delusional if he thinks this is the end of it. She is going to get what she is seeking, with or without his permission.

            • Jules –with all do respect to women, I wouldn’t trust it, just like you said if she acts on her fantasy it could escalate. Or it can backfire. She could turn around after the fact and blame her husband for allowing it to wreck their marriage. I can hear a woman say it “why did you let me, if you loved me you wouldn’t have let me give a bj to a stranger two years ago?” That’s why I take the hard line on infidelity. One fact we can agree on, women change their minds…takes one to know one.

        • Joanna

          The problem most commenters have is not with open-relationships but the apparently henpecked, cuckolded, whipped attitude of the man in question.

          I agree that we dont have enough information about him to assess the situation but the way his question is stated here makes it seem that he feels he is feels honored to be in a relationship with this woman and is desperate to continue it. even if that means letting her have fun with other men on the side.

        • @Joanna. You said “We simply don’t have enough info about this guy’s wife’s fantasy to judge it. This couple could be venturing into a very fulfilling sexual future together with outside partners. That isn’t simple, but it happens all the time with a wide range of relationships.”

          The fact that he’s asking says enough, doesn’t it? If they had the open relationship you are eluding to, then he wouldn’t be asking for advice, would he? Ummm … “married” what else do you need to know? It’s a contract and she wants to change it.

          “People get chlamydia by having sex with someone who has the infection. “Having sex” means anal, vaginal, or oral sex.” Hope she checks the dude out before she goes down on him? “but it happens all the time with a wide range of relationships.” Yup, it sure does.

        • PastorofMuppets says:

          You may, of course, be correct.
          But then the fact this guy is seeking help from advice columnists on the subject is a pretty clear indication that he has, at the very least, serious reservations about it, if not being completely opposed. After all, if he was on board with this, why ask if he should allow it?
          If he has reservations, then he definitely shouldn’t go through with it, because once you walk through that door, there’s no going back.

          Also, I’m curious as to how you define “happens all the time.” Like you, I have no issue with how people conduct their sexual affair (assuming consent, of course), but I think that may be overstating reality. In reality, very few people identify as poly, and even fewer do so when they’re married. So, if by “happens all the time” you mean, somewhere at some time, there’s someone in a poly relationship … then you’re correct. If you mean that the practice of wives giving strange men BJs with their husband’s approval is common practice …. um, no.

          • Thank you. You guys are warriors, there’s enough marriages in disarray. There is a wide range of relationships where people can do what they please, but marriage is the one relationship where there is expectation of fidelity. Unless they’ve added BJ clause or swinging clause to their marriage contract.

          • @PastorofMuppets..

            Nearly 50% of the adult population has HPV (according to CDC). While it is less threatening to men, it is known to be a primary driver of cervical cancer in women.

            Also, all studies on condom use (including the ones done by the manufacturers) show that condom use diminishes with age. The highest observed condom use is with teenagers! For adults over the age of 30, condom use is a paltry 35%.

            So, clearly there is significant risk even from oral sex.

            • Jules, not too long ago I was reading an article on HPV16 ( This is the HPV strain mostly responsabile for cervical cancer in Women). It seems to also be the reason for the roughly 35% increase in ‘agressive oral cancer’ in men!

  7. I don’t think we should be looking at this in terms of you “letting her” do something or not. You’re not the boss of her, nor are you her parent, so it’s not about allowing her to do something.

    Letting her is precisely the right fram. This couple obviously do not have any prior agreement on having some sort of open relationship as otherwise this question wouldn`t come up which means that their marriage is monogamous. THe wife has entered into an agreement to stay sexualy faithfull to the husband and vice versa. In that situation it is most certainly not her privilege to go fuck any guy she likes and expect no ill consequences. She should expect to be thrown right out of the house if she does. So if she has any want to continue the marriage she most certainly needs to ask permission to do this without the expected consequences of being rightfully dumped.

    I suggest you say that your not ok with her giving a blojob to another guy but that you would like to have sex with another woman and see how she responds to that. After all her suggestion was that she get to have sex outside the marriage but not you so you suggesting you can have sex outside the marriage but she can not is precisely the same suggestion. She will most likely explode at the suggestion.

    • Totally agree. Has this man has lost his mind or just his self-respect? If she breaks the vow, then she can expect divorce. It’s only fair, because if he broke the vow, she’d be in divorce court. Her body is his and his body is hers, as a married couple it’s okay to take ownership and responsibility of each other’s well-being. I can’t think of much more disrespect a woman can send to a man than asking if he minds if she commits infidelity. Oral sex, anal sex, vaginial sex…it’s all gradations of infidelity. Someone else’s penis is not where a married women needs to focus her attention.

      • Thank you Susan, for the positive input from the feminist side

        • bobbt, I wouldn’t call it a feminist side, I’d call it a woman side that considers the man’s side.
          There’s not enough information, but this guy wouldn’t have written in if didn’t bother him. I’ve seen this pattern before in other articles.

          In my opinion, he shouldn’t ‘allow’ it or ‘let’ her hurt him. If we have kids we don’t ‘allow’ them to play in traffic. If we are a couple we don’t ‘allow’ criticism to hurt each other, why should a husband ‘allow’ his wife to cheat on him? This man is entitled to put his foot down. If I were a man, I wouldn’t allow it and I’d be hurt by the suggestion.

          This poor schlep going to take it in the shorts and have to put up with his wife’s desire to put her mouth on someone else’s penis. She should be on her hands and knees, apologizing for hurting his feelings.

  8. The guy already knows the answer to his question. He’s just trying to find some way to keep from taking the responsibility himself for telling her no.
    He’s not satisfying her, and the fact that he is asking a question like this shows why. I honestly believe this is one of those places where a woman is looking for her husband to be a leader, a man she can look up. grow a set, dude, and be that for her!

    • @Jerry, I tend to agree with you and he appears to be a product of society. What’s the right thing to do? Why does he even struggle with it? Look at some of the responses. Maybe SHE wants this or that. Some people automatically jump to the “things are different these days” and “if it makes you happy” kind of crap. The dude is damned if he does and damned if he doesn’t. He doesn’t know if he should blow is ass or wipe is nose. He has no right to tell her no? Excuse me? Yeah, grow some balls, stand your ground.

      Oh yeah, there must be something he’s not doing for HER, right. How often is that accepted when men cheat on their wives? Oh wait, if he asks first, it makes it okay? They may be venturing into new sexual options. Maybe I missed it but was there anything that said he was interested in exploring?

      There must be some dynamics in their relationship that we don’t know ….. to me it says “counseling” is needed, not simply giving into her fantasy.

    • “He’s not satisfying her”

      Totally the wrong assumption to make. I believe there was a famous trial on this topic. That a woman was granted everything in a divorce because she claimed the man couldn’t satisfy her, and it therefore justified her cheating on him.

      Let’s cut the BS about “She wants to cheat on him. Therefore, she’s flawless, and he is a pathetic loser unworthy of her.” This carries over into things like domestic violence against men, and 90% of homeless being male, yet 80% of sheltered homeless female.

  9. Okay here goes.

    Truthfully when it it gets down to it you really don’t have the control over whether or not she does go down on another guy. Meaning that there really is no “letting her” or “not letting her”.

    However if you don’t want her doing it (or if you do want her to do it) for whatever reason then tell her. If you consider it cheating say so. If you are fine with it say so. If you want to to work something out to where you have sex with other women say so.

    Don’t hold it in. If express what you feel on this then the ball is in her court. If it’s a deal breaker for you and she goes out and does it, then act accordingly even if that means leaving her.

  10. So.. this is what happens when people openly discuss their fantasies? Everybody jumps to “Get a divorce!”?

    No wonder most people are functionally imbecilic and repressed when it comes to discussing sexual desires.

    • Drew, this man is bothered by the image of his wife with a another man. Most men would be offended or least deeply hurt by the suggestion. He is not an imbecile, he is a husband with feelings.

      • My comment neither called the husband an imbecile nor said anything about his reaction at all. Guess you missed that.

      • Joanna Schroeder says:

        The man in the article does not state that he is bothered by the image of his wife with another man. He gives no information whatsoever about how he feels or their relationship’s arrangement.

        • PastorofMuppets says:

          Do you think he (if he really exists) would be seeking help from an advice columnist if he was cool with it?
          I think the safe assumption here – and the one seemingly everyone is working off of – is that he at the very least has some reservations about it. If it’s something they both wanted, why would he be seeking counsel?

          • Joanna Schroeder says:

            Yeah, the problem with being an advice columnist is that you can never get the full story, and you aren’t writing just to that ONE guy, and so instead we have to take what we can from the question and answer it in enough ways that it might help him, but also to engage the most amount of readers.

            But the question is real. It came in anonymously to our inbox. Whether or not the asker is telling the truth, I can’t say. But it seems likely. It’s not exactly an unusual situation.

            I think him asking shows that he has doubts, but has an open mind. Otherwise, the question would be, “Should I leave my wife? She wants to do xyz”.

    • PastorofMuppets says:

      It seems to me that the husband’s issue isn’t with her having this fantasy, but with her wanting to enact the fantasy.
      There’s a not-so-subtle difference, don’t you think?
      Of course, maybe I’m just a repressed imbecile to think that.

      • If your first response is “DIVORCE HER SHE DOESN’T LOVE YOU!”.. then.. well, yeah.

        Actually, the letter doesn’t address if the wife said she wants to enact the fantasy, or simply that the wife has the fantasy. As Joanna pointed out, he doesn’t even say he isn’t okay with it – sure, you can say he must have a problem with it or he wouldn’t be asking.. then again, if it was that big a deal to him, the obvious answer would be no and he also wouldn’t be asking.

        But, again, I must explain (because it was very difficult to understand) that my comment wasn’t about the husband at all, but, rather, the commenters here jumping to talks of divorce just because his wife expressed interest in something sexual they (the commenters) wouldn’t feel comfortable with (in their (the commenters) own personal lives).

      • Your assessment seems valid.

  11. Mr Supertypo says:

    If you (or someone in similar solution) are interested to try this out I suggest to swing club otherwise, think this really through, because when it happen there is no going back.
    Anyhow if you consent IMO its not cheating, because it happens with your consent and your acknowledging and not behind your back. If you have doubt or to insecure, be open and honest and say so. Yes you do have a say, because she is your wife, regardless what the advisers think. In matter of extramarital affairs, you DO have a say. There is no way around this.

    Finally if you do consent I like to tell you its a normal fantasy between couples, lot of people engage in similar “fun”. And if you do join a swing club, you will easely find someone who you can talk to. Alternatively you can make a trade with her…one for one. Do you have some fantasies who are worth exploring? think about it. If you go, she owes you one.

  12. Women have a lot of sexual options. Monogamy restricts womens sexual potential. The problem is that a womans options for marriage are in no way a reflection of her sexual options.
    An average woman will most likely settle down with an average guy and would have few men to choose from, BUT she can easily have casual sex, flings and affairs etc with a large number of, a variety of high quality sexually desirable men – men, who arent available to her for marriage.

    So societal emphasis on monogamy works against favor of women because obtain sex with high quality men is never a problem for most women.

    Open relationships are thus beneficial to women because they can realize their true sexual potential with sexually desirable men on the side, while benefiting from the stability of a long term relationship with man suited for the that purpose.

    For most men, there is no option outside marriage.

    • Mr Supertypo says:

      I dont know Keith, to me it seems fairly even for both genders. Some people are swingers others are not. Thats it.

      • Mr Supertypo

        Since you’re talking about swingers, do you know the dynamics of the swinging scene?
        For instance, In swinging parties single women can go and are welcomed while single men are unwelcome.

        Do you think in an open relationship or within a swinging couple, both partners have equal number of outside opportunities? And equal ease of obtaining outside partners? No. And in the vast majority of cases the woman is in the favorable position.

        Its not difficult to find another ‘competent’ man to fcuk ones wife. Its difficult to find a woman who’d be willing to do one’s husband. Women silently call the shots in the swinging scene. Its almost always women who make the decision to go ahead with a ‘swapping arrangement’ with another couple. Many guy who take their wives to this scene would realize that his wife might eye several men who’d in turn readily have sex with her but the main problem is whether the other man’s wife will find HIM acceptable.

        • Mr Supertypo says:

          @Keith, yes the woman is in a favorable position, but mostly because usually women dont usually engage in thise activities, so they are incentivated, to join. While guys dont need a incentive, girls do.

          “Its not difficult to find another ‘competent’ man to fcuk ones wife. Its difficult to find a woman who’d be willing to do one’s husband. Women silently call the shots in the swinging scene. Its almost always women who make the decision to go ahead with a ‘swapping arrangement’ with another couple. Many guy who take their wives to this scene would realize that his wife might eye several men who’d in turn readily have sex with her but the main problem is whether the other man’s wife will find HIM acceptable.”

          I disagree with this Keith. Usually the idea comes from the man side (also women do, but more rarely) who with time manage to convince the woman. And the fact that you will always find a dude ready to “take your wife to wonderland”, proves that there arent so many women who actually are interested by this on their own. And beside that, women usually enjoy pleasing men for several other reason, but also because she enjoy it.

      • Actually, I doubt the distribution would be even at all. There would be 10 guys having sex with thousands of married women, and then thousands of married men whose wives won’t sleep with them.

        Guys can’t just “get” random, casual sex on a whim like women can.

      • Actually, I doubt the distribution would be even at all. There would be 10 guys having sex with thousands of married women, and then thousands of married men whose wives won’t sleep with them.

        Guys can’t just “get” random, casual sex on a whim like women can.

    • I agree with Keith. Women’s sexuality is driven in large part by novelty and variety. That novelty is best satisfied by having other partners. Hence, IMO monogamy does not work as well for women.

      Whether you take the views of evolutionary psychology or even Christopher Ryan (‘Sex At Dawn’), each clearly show that women respond to a wider assortment of sexuality than men. The research is there to support this view.

  13. “Open relationships are thus beneficial to women because they can realize their true sexual potential with sexually desirable men on the side, while benefiting from the stability of a long term relationship with man suited for the that purpose”
    Keith—open relationships? Sexual potential? I can’t believe men have such low self-respect, that they are willing to accept this. Stand up for men.
    If a woman wants sex with multiple partners she has choice to stay away from relationships or get a divorce, but it sounds like entrapment if she has a relationship with one guy and has sex with other guys. Open marriages and open relationships are not ideal to a man, woman, children, or family.

    • @Susan..

      While I am not familiar with the research on poly relationships, I can tell you there IS a large body of evidence that indicate a greater degree of happiness for swinger couples. Now, remember swingers are strictly about the sex. So, it is non-relationship based, IMO. There is no emotional intimacy involved. It all about the sex!

  14. How about this answer? Without knowing specifics regarding your relationship with your wife, we can’t answer the question.

  15. Mr Supertypo says:

    Beside everything that has been written, I have to say, this sound quite close to a sexual fantasy from the man side. This is my impression after rereading this through…..

  16. Two years later, after she’s had sex with a few guys and he’s finally grown balls and said “stop.” Standing in front of the judge where he’s wanting custody of the kids …. She says “but judge, he said it was okay and now he’s changing his mind. If he said no in the first place, I wouldn’t have done it …. Down goes the gavel and he’s given “visitation” and will now pay through the nose in child support. Guys need to play the tape to the end.All the time the people in the gallery thinking that she’s a women who knows what she needs and goes for it.

    Let’s reverse the roles. Standing in front of the judge, asking for custody he says, “she said it was okay two years ago. She says “but there was nothing I could do about it, I didn’t want to lose him. Down goes the gavel … Limited visitation for the dad and you better not ever be late with your child support or we’ll throw you behind in jail. All the time he people in the gallery thinking that he’s a jerk.

  17. Mason J Stewart says:

    To discuss such a thing is normally the end. In other words, she told him in advance what is going on. He’s too blind to see or read between the lines. You can’t grow or mature as one with conflicts. It’s over!

  18. No

  19. Sure, after you divorce her.

  20. I ask my wife for permission to do things all the time, some times she “lets” me do things and other time I “let” her do other things. The nature of a marriage is that you do give up some of your autonomy, because there are times when things you want to do, don’t mesh with the other person’s needs, wants or expectations. Sometimes, you have to concede to the other persons wishes, sometimes they will concede to yours. The decision about something you want requires careful weighing of the consequences of doing what you want regardless of your spouses wishes. In this case, if husband says “No, I am not ok with that” and the wife decides that giving another guy head is more important than respecting that boundary, then she has decided that the consequences (What ever they may be) are acceptable. It seems to be the word “let” that is loaded here, and the implications of control that go with it that have taken over the conversation.

    • Sometimes I feel that the expectation is this:

      “A woman must always have every option available to her. A man must sacrifice all options that interfere with her choice”

      Think about the societal expectation of earning money: “A woman deserves to choose whether or not she wants to work”, yet at the same time “If a man doesn’t earn enough for her to have this choice, he is oppressing her.” Because we hail whatever choice women make, yet we degrade men who are in any way “less than men” in this sense. That is, they are stay-at-home dads or don’t earn enough for his income to single-handedly earn enough for all of them. It makes a man’s job more of a requirement and demand, and a woman’s career as more of a hobby in tat sense.

      How about CHOOSING to get married is CHOOSING to impose these restrictions.

      She brought this issue up with him, which is good. And then it’s up to him to decide if he should LET her do something that violates their contract. The same goes for men as well. If she does it anyway, because of her choice, then he should be free to divorce her, and take most of the assets in the divorce, on the grounds that it was HER who broke the contract.

      I mean really, when a guy wants to go sleeping with another woman, do we even question her rage or discomfort? Then why should we question this man’s discomfort?

  21. While I understand this may be different than the usual situation, I find it amusing to read all the people decrying this man’s wife, but when there’s an article on men not having enough sex in marriage and wanting to go outside of it to find some, there is tons of support and anyone voicing the whole “marriage is about fidelity” stuff is struck down. You can’t have both, guys. Seriously. Are you for open relationships or not?

    Geezus.

    • Mr Supertypo says:

      To be fair, when the situation is reversed there are also the same kind of debate, more or less. About open relationships, im in, so long there are two consenting partners its all good to me. Cant see the harm.

    • When men complain about the lack of sex in marriages, it means their wives arent having enough sex with them (and faking headaches) That is what lack of sex means.

      This man’s wife wants to blow a handsome stranger with a big cock. If blowing is all she desires, she can offer her husband. What makes you think he’d refuse a nice bj every now and then?

      This doesnt seem to be about lack of sex, its about her fantasies. It also tells us she considers her husband to be inadequate and unattractive.

      Having open relationships is not the problem.

      • “It also tells us she considers her husband to be inadequate and unattractive.”

        Be careful to distinguish between what actual message is sent versus how it is heard. No doubt it could make him feel that way upon hearing it, but only she knows the true meaning of her message, and it would be up to him to investigate.

  22. In a sexually polyamorous society, this isn’t unreasonable, and would in fact be fairly normal.

    But that’s not what we are. We are a society that is sexually starved and not very sexually mobile. A woman can’t just sleep with whatever man because she feels like it, because of pregnancy issues and such. And a man can’t just hook up with a woman when he feels like it, because even mentioning sex is a taboo grave insult to a woman.

    Ergo, when people are in a relationship in a monogamous society, they essentially made a contract to ensure that their libido is available to their partner. If one partner starts sleeping around, that leaves the other partner sexually frustrated. They are having sex with all these other people, yes coming home and saying “I’m not interested”, having sex with everyone BUT their partner, then demonizing them if they try to do the same.

    To me, I would be infuriated if I was with a woman, and interested in having sex with her most of the time. But then when she actually wants sex, too, she jumps out with some other guy, the comes home, still offended that I want to sleep with her.

  23. Great article and debate, I read as many of the comments as I could and I see a lot of opinions from both sides of things, didn’t see any from anyone experienced with this kind of thing. I’ll keep it short, I’ll just say that my wife and I have experimented and it only did positive things for us. Now I get it, that for most men the thought of their wife with another man is a dealbreaker. Totally get it, once upon a time I felt that way. However for a lot of us, it is completely the opposite. There are worse things than exploring sexuality. My wife and I have explored sex with other partners, polyamory, etc. We discovered things we liked and things we didn’t like. Now, I will tell you this, while everyone we have known or met since high school have been divorced at least once, my wife and I have been married 20 years, together more. So have your opinion, judge me, no problem, but what is right for you and yours may not be right for the next couple.

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