Six Tips To Fulfill Your Sexual Fantasies

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About J.R. Reed

J.R is a full-time single dad attempting to raise a 14-year-old daughter without providing too many stories to relay to her future therapist. He is also the creator of the popular blog, Sex and the SIngle Dad. A former radio talk show host and color commentator, he’s also an off-the-hook cook, a bit of an argyle-loving dork and has a word in Urban Dictionary. J.R. has a serious guacamole addiction and a torta dealer named Danny.

Comments

  1. Hank Vandenburgh says:

    Why do I think that external fantasies are sort of the anti-goodsex? Costuming or doing it in weird places seem more grounds for hilarity than excitment. Maybe it’s just me, but intensely meditative or tantric sex seems the best. Meditation or a toke or two first can’t hurt, either. Fantasies seem to go with way too fast, blur both of us out sex. And this program seems to work with most women, although I admit that some women are speed demons.

  2. Hank,
    Your viewpoint is precisely why “to each his own” is at the heart of the fantasy. Thanks for the comment.

  3. Hank Vandenburgh says:

    Agree, J.R. Thanks for your gracious comment!

  4. I wish my boyfriend would ask me about my fantasies, but he never does. I’m a little too inhibited to just come out and ask for something different, but if he ever brought up the subject, I’d probably have some interesting and fun ideas. So, guys, please don’t be afraid to ask. (and yes I know I could say something to him, but it feels weird. I’m not there yet)

    • Jill,
      Maybe you should accidentally mail him the URL or leave this post on the computer for him to see. It could work.

    • So what does a guy do when his partner doesn’t have any fantasies? I’ve asked my wife many times and have often shared my own fantasies but she has none. Nothing. She read 50 shades trilogy, thought it was pretty sexy but never opened up about what she liked when asked, or if she wanted to try anything. I’m on the verge of giving up and just accepting the reality that she doesn’t ever fantasize about sex, which in a way, kind of really breaks my heart.

      • She probably has fantasies but doesn’t want to talk about them because that makes her too uncomfortable. She might be afraid you will think she’s weird or you will lose respect for her. Or maybe she has fantasies but doesn’t want to actually do any of them. For example, maybe she fantasies about having a one night stand with a sexy stranger, but can’t tell you that because she’s afraid you’d find it threatening. Maybe she has “rape” fantasies but she’s ashamed of them because they seem sick or weird. Instead of asking her to share her fantasies, which it sounds like she just won’t do, maybe you could try getting a sex book and asking her what she’d like to try?

        • Or it could be that her fantasies are on the milder side and she doesn’t consider them to be “true fantasies” because they’re not out of the ordinary. Maybe she fantasizes about the kind of sex you’re already having. Like I said below, sometimes people hear “fantasy” and immediately jump to kink, but fantasy doesn’t have to be kinky.

          Her attitude and behavior when you ask about it will tell you volumes. If she just waves it off nonchalantly, then she may not have fantasies or give much thought to them. If she withdraws or seems uncomfortable then she might have some shame around her fantasies.

          It doesn’t strike me as odd that she could find the 50 Shades series sexy without wanting to actually try any of it herself. I like man-on-man action but I’m not all that turned on by seeing my husband with a man (tried it, it made me feel more weird than sexy). 50 Shades may be fantasy fodder for some women but just enjoyable fiction for others.

          • Good point, she could also think her fantasies are boring. I’ve had some really hot fantasies just thinking about regular ol’ sex I’ve had with my boyfriend.

        • I have bought books, we have a few, she seems interested initially but never actually gives me any feedback as to what she finds sexy, what she would like to try or what she doesn’t like or is not interested in. We have a toy and have tried watching porn, she says that she enjoys sex but never tells me what she likes or if she gets excited thinking about it during the day. Occasionally she will text me about a naughty dream she had and I ask her to tell me about it, trying to build some sense of foreplay during the day, but get nothing. It’s like talking to a wall, seriously. I have been frustrated for a long time because we have enough sex and it’s typically pretty enjoyable, but I have this desire for more and she does not seem to. I have emailed articles for her to read, kept up my romance, flowers, setting dates to go out, hotels, cooked dinner, I give her massages and tell her how sexy she is all the time. In return, I get maybe 10% of the effort back. I have started finding myself sulking and feeling unattractive and I don’t like it. She asks me what’s wrong, but I fail to come clean about how unhappy I am because I am afraid she will pull back even further. I catch myself contemplating an affair, seeking out the attention of other women for conversation, flirting, just any kind of positive attention with a tinge of sexual charge. I need to feel like I’m sexy, but I don’t. My wife has always told me she thinks I am sexy, but those are words. Her actions seem to diminish the emphasis I can place on what she says because theres rarely ever any actual follow through.

      • Have you tried going to different locations with her, like a hotel and getting spa treatments or massages? Or just setting up the bathroom or bedroom with candles and and rose petals? Or even a picnic lunch with a blanket and a book of poetry or a guitar in a nice park or on the beach?

        Try reading Nancy Friday’s book about women’s fantasies…

      • Jon,

        That’s a tough question and I’m not sure I have the answer. Maybe one of the ladies has an answer.

  5. I know my boyfriend has had a very adventurous sex life prior to me and because I’m shy he’s holding back from asking to do anything similar. I’ve tried to talk to him about it and he says its fine but I can’t help feeling like he’s only saying that not to hurt my feelings and that he thinks he might put me off with suggestions. So I think honesty is important. Of course tact is also important. I’d be horrified if he brought up the idea of bringing someone else into the bedroom (yes, I’m insecure as you can probably tell but feeling like you’re not enough is bad enough without feeling like they want someone else). So I guess gauge the situation slowly introduce an idea and see how receptive they are.

  6. First and foremost, JR, your own girlfriend is very interested in any kind of fantasy you want to share. As a matter of fact, you may be pleasantly surprised by what she may have to share with you.
    I like that tactfulness is key here. You need to be careful when expressing these types of feelings because you don’t want to offend your partner. Honesty is best, but even then, be careful how you actually SAY things. You don’t want to say something the wrong way and have the whole scenario blow up in your face.
    And ladies, don’t be afraid to say something to your guy. Just go slow and make sure that whatever you do tell him, you need to be 100% comfortable with it if you’re going to suggest it.
    Good post. Thanks.

  7. Hank Vandenburgh says:

    I’ll cop to this. I didn’t particularly have fantasies of threesomes in marriage #1, but was an interested participant when my wife brought two women home on several different occasions. (Only one at a time.) I noted that these events were a bit lower energy than I think the new woman and I would have been if alone. They were good fastasies in retrospect, though. I also noticed that my wife did not want to play if I started making love to one of our friends she did not pick out of the bi community, although all three of the women I picked seemed open to being bi. Many of my own fantasies had to do with other partners. Sometimes I actualized this (secretly.) This activity was mostly early 1980s.

  8. You touched on it briefly, but I wanted to expand…
    I think the word “fantasy” comes with these connotations of something wild, something extravagant, something truly fantastical – that is, it’s only a fantasy if it’s really out of the ordinary. But fantasy can be really tame, too. It can mean whips and chains, costumes and roleplaying, a few extra participants in the bedroom…or it could mean a sensual massage, or an extended makeout session, or a particular sexual position. (I’d bet some parents probably fantasize about just being able to have sex with no threat of being walked in on by the kids.)

    In other words, sexual fantasy is not just what happens in your wildest dreams. Fantasy is what happens when you close your eyes and imagine the kind of sex you want to have – whatever that might be. And if you’re just breaching the topic of fantasies with your partner, it might even be better to start with the tame ones before jumping into things that are really out of the ordinary that might test your partner’s boundaries.

    And suffice it to say that some fantasies shouldn’t be fulfilled. If a person fantasizes about having sex with a horse, or a dead body, or a relative…yeah, best leave those to your wildest dreams.

  9. Hank Vandenburgh says:

    Psychologists have a concept called discriminative stimuli. So let’s say I work at home (I do,) and have my desk in my bedroom (I don’t.) That might end up being a bad place to have sex because it’s associated with work. So I get the idea of trying other rooms, other times of day, and so on. I do admit to ordinarily not liking morning sex (except in the first stages of a relationship, of course.)

    I think that this is why people have such great vacation sex. All of the responsibility stimuli are removed. Maybe this is one of the ways that fantasy also operates. Odd thing about me. In order to get really turned on, my fantasies need to be fairly possible (Taurus Sun sign? – practical,) and it also helps if they’re fairly anti-social. So sex with one of my wife’s girlfriends– sure. But this is a bad idea in practice, especially because wife #2 is not like wife #1.

  10. Role-playing is a great thing, but there are some partners who are to self-conscious to become involved in it. In this case you can encourage your partner that you lover her no matter what bodily images she might feel she has. Communication here is the key guys. Men simply don’t understand women well enough; and of course, for many females, perhaps even your partner, they feel like they are taken advantage of, or that their needs aren’t being considered. So, when men start taking the time to really pay attention to their female partner, their sex lives will become hot and well satisfying. They won’t have to worry about “sex they’ve never had”, as this article mentioned in the beginning.