If I had a dollar for every time a client told me he wanted more spontaneous sex, I could use it to build a monument.
Hands down, spontaneous sex is the most common desire of men that I coach.
They dream about it. They wax on about it. If only they could take their woman in the kitchen, in the backyard, or on the washing machine…
The sad thing is it rarely happens in these ways.
I get that you want to feel that you can be turned on and act on that turn on, without having to reign yourself in every time you have a sexual impulse.
It’s like wanting a piece of pie when it’s piping hot out of the oven and you’re salivating. You don’t want it three days later, when your spouse decides to eat pie. You want pie, and you want to eat that pie, now, while it’s hot and while you’re hungry.
While it makes good sense that a man should be able to be sexually spontaneous and act on his desires while he’s got fire, there are a couple of problems with this working out well – if he’s in love with a woman.
One is the woman herself.
It’s not that women don’t like sex or that we never want spontaneous sex.
Occasionally being taken, fast, after a steamy day at the beach, following an erotic film, or when you’re on vacation– feels good.
But many women tend to think that spontaneous sex is over-rated.
Which comes to reason #2.
Great sex, the sex women remember fondly, is often more of an event.
It was planned and delivered well.
Why is this so important to a woman? Well, in some ways we’re control freaks. We like to be clean, shaved and dressed in a way that makes us feel hot. For that, we need notice.
We like the space to feel just right too – soft lighting, candles, warmth and good music.
Taking us over the stove definitely appears hot (in our heads) and many of us want to be oh-so-comfortable with our pants pooling around our knees –bent over that cold, aluminum appliance – but the reality is it looks better than it feels.
For many women, it takes longer than men to become aroused and spontaneous sex tends to be fast or rushed.
If you want great sex with a woman, plan for it and get good at planning.
Get over this idea that if it’s not spontaneous, it’s not sexy. Get her accustomed to anticipating being with you, and having really satisfying sex that she is ready for.
Your making plans is a turn on because it says that you’re confident. You don’t have to grab and run. You can build tension and desire, and you can wait. It also says that you want to make it special, and especially good –and that you respect that great sex (for her) takes time.
Then… when and if you decide to take her spontaneously (as you should now and then) she’ll be more open and generally more turned on to you – because the sex you’re having (that is planned and well-orchestrated) has left a lingering good feeling in her body and mind.
Couples who have the least sex are in the spontaneous camp.
They have the least sex because –if they’re a heterosexual couple –the woman gives a lot of push back against being taken wherever and whenever, and the man ultimately stops pushing.
That’s bad for your sexual business!
You can smartly get ahead of the declining sexual curve most long-term couples experience, by planning sex and making it creative, exciting and unforgettable.
Photo: Pexels
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This article is one person’s point of view. I love spontaneous sex. The end.
It is implied that men willing to become the men they were “meant to be” in their masculinity, are changing both themselves and their relationship dynamic. Where does new, healthy planning by the guy leave off and sexual commerce sex begin? We know that women are not attracted to men with a quid quo pro approach in courtship and relationship, where flowers, gifts, dinners, extra considerations are employed to replace just being our self. How does a couple avoid the edge of the commerce arrangement, when a man must meet “just so” conditions (which as you admitted – is “sort… Read more »
wow, you nailed it for me! I would have said exactly the same things if I were as articulate as you. Thank you.
If we stick to the basics, it will usually work out for us guys. Whenever there was spontaneous sex for me, the mystery was; body language and teasing, not planned or setting a date. I have no interest in rejection. With passionate kissing and soft caressing (intimate areas are last), then she will likely get in the mood. If no progress, we do the mating dance (2 steps forward-1 step back). Because men are always being tested, we shouldn’t give up, however, like James Bond, we cannot be needy, show we have options (attitude) and be willing to walk away,… Read more »
I feel sadness for many married men who have wives who fail to recognize that the number one way they feel loved by their wives is SEX. And best yet: Spontaneous sex. When my husband and I make love spontaneously, our relationship feels better all-round because of that connection & approval he feels, and the good-feeling hormones that get released in my body from a great love making session. We feel more youthful and flexible because it happened spontaneously. Spontaneous sex doesn’t have to deny the woman of foreplay — it can be equally as satisfying. It’s about reading your… Read more »
In the first 3 years of a live-in relationship (read live-in) everything is possible… spontaneous sex, and all kinds of sex. After that women are biologically wired to become sexually bored with their monogamous live-in partners. Then everything changes, she starts to refuse sex on a regular bases and she doesn’t even know why. And it has nothing to do with the quality of the sex and the number of sheet-ripping orgasms she has had. Good quality sex can extend the biological boredom for a while but it can’t stop it. The women I have dated were ready to engage… Read more »
THIS is the truth. Women (well, females in general) just aren’t monogamous. It’s in their nature to go find the next best strong, fit, hot young male.
I think the disconnect here is “Spontaneous” meaning quick sex….a one pump chump will always disappoint…intensity can indeed be the spice of life, weather built up to or arrived at quickly. The key is to know your woman and what she is ready for in the moment….
Bob
“The key is to know your woman and what she is ready for in the moment….”
YES!
Oh, if it was only really like that. Men are more romantic than women but if we plan these type of events, which I’ve done many times and I thoroughly enjoy, and still do even though I already know what the outcome will be. “You just wanna get laid”. So there’s no sex that night. Well, I’ve learned to enjoy the rest of it and really DO like doing the rest of it. I think its cool. Its one of the highlights of life. Nothing better than a weekend at the cottage. The cottage sits up on a bluff a… Read more »
She just doesn’t desire you, or stopped desiring you, women aren’t monogamous.
If you were Sean O’Pry she would feel EXTREMELY EXCITED when you’re being romantic… even if just to have sex with her. And she would want to have lots of it.
Women are often really into spontaneous sex BEFORE they’ve got that precious ring. Her inner THOT is alive and well.
Afterwards, not so much – speaking in general terms.
Sucks to be you!
Karen,
If this were in fact true ( I am NOT saying it is not entirely so), then how do you explain women who enjoy casual sex, or hookup sex using dating sites such as Tinder, Bumble, etc? There does not seem to be much planning there except for the sex itself.
I have not dated a lot. What I have discovered is that women do like men who plan and take the lead, period. Also, women need and enjoy lots of foreplay. Plus for me I enjoy the foreplay as much as they do. You cannot rush perfection!
Jules
1: do we actually know if most women that meet men using Tinder,Bumble have great sex? I question that.
2: But when a woman do use Tinder,or say seek causal sex other places then it is planned. SHE planned it. She wants it and is ready sex. Or at least I hope she is ….
Hello Iben, #1: Honestly, I am not 100% sure if these sites are PRIMARILY for hookups. However, I have seen commentary to that effect. Also, some young people I speak and talk to say so. #2: Hmmmmm. Is it really? Yes, she wanted it and was ready. Maybe this was the BEST option at the MOMENT? I guess you can call it a planned sexual event. Personally, in my experience a great sex life is a combination of planning and spontaneity. Ultimately, it is driven by things such as mood, context, seduction, timing, etc. One thing I can say with… Read more »
Jules
“One thing I can say with great certainty is this: female sexuality is complicated. However, a man can learn to influence it.”
🙂 🙂 🙂
CITATIONS NEEDED! All the women I have dated and I have had a lot. HATE planned sex.
It would be great if we can get critical information like which demographic of women are you speaking on behalf of.
“if they’re a heterosexual couple –the woman gives a lot of push back against being taken wherever and whenever, and the man ultimately stops pushing.”
Women who tend to like male sexuality and know what they want, often complain if a man gave up like that. I have certainly had women complain about not being aggressive enough a few times before I finally got it right.
My ex-wife was a good one for planning ahead. “Let’s make a ‘date’ for Saturday night”, she’d say. Okay! But, come Saturday night, she’d fall asleep watching Saturday Night Live and I’d turn off the lights and go to bed by my self.
I personally have never heard a heterosexual women who actually likes male sexuality ever say any of this. They would say that planning sex like that makes it artificial, forced, and unnatural. Its almost as if people on this site are trying to give men bad information.
I partially agree the comments of “artificial” and “Planned” sex issues.. Just the mention of it makes me say “Blah”. In the dating world, planned sex is dry! But in the married world it needs to take a different turn. I am now married 23 years w/3 kids at home and still having great sex at least 2 – 4 times per week. Its never have planned sex. IMHO, the man takes the lead; in the morning/afternoon all i say is “Babe, we are going to have sex tonight” or I will grab her hand and lead her to the… Read more »
Chris, I think you are living in the furthest tail of the sex frequency and fullfilment normal distribution. 🙂 Come join me at the other end where it’s going on 20 years.
Ted, I will caveat that by saying I also still actively ‘date’ my wife. I believe that my post was long enough without going into more detail. But to help expand this; I use a lot of techniques and dating methods normally used by the ‘rakes’ in the single society. Lets face it, Men want to be respected and and Women want to be loved. The way I use them is more in the loving way. So, it appears I am still chasing/dating my wife, even after 23 years. Works for me I guess.