If I were lesbian

…she’s nerdy hot. Me likey.






Sunday night at 9:01 I was NOT sitting on the couch watching Celebrity Apprentice.  Instead I was sitting on my bed, eating Bottle Caps and watching videos for Music Monday on JR’s Journey.  I was also texting The Muse.

She asked if my friends and I ever had the “If I were gay” conversation.  I told her that guys don’t have that conversation, they have the “If I were lesbian” talk.  That got me to thinking.  I really had nothing better to write about, so why not take this idea and expound on it…


If I were lesbian…

I was in downtown Long Beach one Sunday morning several years ago.  I was heading to Roscoe’s House of Chicken n Waffles f0r some breakfast.  Yes.  I eat fried chicken and waffles for breakfast.  Dinner too.  It’s the shit, but not the subject of this post.

As I approached the restaurant I realized it was Pride Parade morning.  Roscoe’s was jammed and as I waited, I noticed a mannish girl wearing a t-shirt which said “I (heart) Vagina.”  She walked past me and I pointed to her shirt and said, “Hey!  Me too.”  The look she gave me told me she wasn’t impressed.  Oops.

I like boobs, but I also like a nice ass.  The boobs don’t have to be huge, but they should be nice.  And they should be a reasonable match.  There’s nothing worse than the right one being much smaller than the left.  Or vice versa.

Yeah…If I were a lesbian I would definitely be more lipstick then butch.  I’d have a little edge about me (like Jo from Facts of Life)., but I would look all sexy and shit (like Mallory from Family Ties).

If I were a lesbian I’m not sure what color hair I would have.  Being a blond would be too cliche, so I guess I would want to be a tall, sexy redhead with big cans.  I would prefer them to be natural, but I wouldn’t be above shopping for a nice pair.

I was thinking about what type of chick I could realistically score if I was a lesbian.  Since I don’t plan on being an ugly lesbian (but then again, who plans for that, right?) I think I would attract a pretty decent sort of woman.  I would like one who is smart, cute and can fix shit around the house.  I’m not good at the whole home improvement thing.

I’ve compiled a short list of: Chicks I Would Bang If I Were Lesbian. I’m going to start in the 80’s because that’s likely when I would have come out.


Both sisters from Too Close For Comfort.  But not the mom.

Suzanne Somers from Threes Company.  The other blond chick who replaced her too.  The tall, dumb one.

Heather Locklear.   T.J. Hooker.  Melrose Place.  Posters.  Motley Crue.  Take your pick of where you know her from.  She’s delish.  I once gave her friend my underwear when we were all at the Hard Rock in Beverly Hills.  Totally true story.

Katey Sagal.  Peg Bundy from Married With Children.  One afternoon with me and she would forget all about Al.  I wouldn’t do Marcie though.  That dude looks kinda rough.

Christina Applegate.  Peg Bundy’s daughter from Married With Children.  This is as close as I would ever get to pulling a mother-daughter train, so I’m going for it!

Jenny McCarthy.  She’s been in Playboy, is funny and farts.  She is mmmm mmmm good!

Carmen Elektra.  Watching those babies bounce on Baywatch was awesome.  She’s a bit of a mess, but very, very do-able.

Marisa Tomei.  Do I even need to explain?  Seriously?

Liz Phair.  Singer.  For some stupid reason I thought she used to be in Veruca Salt.  Ironically enough, they are the Music Monday post on JR’s Journey.  Don’t read that til you’re done here!

Portia di Rossi of Arrested Development.  She’s already lesbian, so I don’t have to convince her to switch teams.  Cool.

Mary Louise Parker.  She’s the pot dealing mom from Weeds.  If you’ve seen the show, you totally know she would consider a woman.

Tina Fey.  Whether on Saturday Night Live or 30 Rock, she’s nerdy hot.  Me likey.

Most of the girls Charlie Sheen is banging.  I have a feeling nearly all of them would.


This list in in no way complete.  Please let me know who I left off or who you would like to be with if you were a lesbian.  I don’t really think it matters whether I was lesbian or I was straight; all I want is a woman who makes me happy.  That would be some cool shit.




Don’t forget to check out the good stuff over at J.R.’s Journey

About J.R. Reed

J.R is a full-time single dad attempting to raise a 14-year-old daughter without providing too many stories to relay to her future therapist. He is also the creator of the popular blog, Sex and the SIngle Dad. A former radio talk show host and color commentator, he’s also an off-the-hook cook, a bit of an argyle-loving dork and has a word in Urban Dictionary. J.R. has a serious guacamole addiction and a torta dealer named Danny.


  1. The Actress says:

    Yeah, you’d be a redhead. You have the basic sass. I’d have to help you refine it, but I think you’d pull it off.

  2. rowing chic says:

    I didnt make it passed the “I Heart Vagina” and I spit my lunch all over my monitor…… thanks.

  3. Hilarious! OK, I’ll play along…
    – Salma Hayek
    – Sofia Vergara
    – ScarJo (going with The Muse on this one)

  4. I gotta go with Chopper on this one.

  5. You’re a funny guy. I found you on Twitter via AllFookedUp.

    Nice list. My husband would add Jennifer Tilley and Gina Gershon (sp?) to the list.

  6. Dude. You’re ALREADY a lesbian. Except the tall red-headed, big-canned part.

  7. Dude you had me all the way up to Tina Fey, I’m sorry she looks WAY too much like Sarah Palin, and that honestly, would be a total mood killer.

  8. Interesting that, in this little hypothetical situation, you make yourself out to be the “girl” in the relationship! LOL (“more lipstick than butch” and wanting a girl who “can fix shit around the house”). What? No Ellen DeGeneres????!!!

  9. the muse says:

    Hahaha! Nice to know I’m still your Muse *smooch*
    If I were a lesbian, I would totally go for the elegant type ladies:
    Kate Winslet, Rachel McAdams, Scarlet Johansen, Amy Adams.
    I dress like them, wear my hair like them, am working my ass off at the gym trying to get ScarJo’s body…so, I guess I’d wanna do them too!
    Interesting list on your end. Hahaha! I’m taking it that they3e women you would want now though, so that somehow shouldn’t count. You should pick from a list of already known lesbians 😉
    Or make the list of men, if you were gay.

  10. rose wilson fake says:

    Sandra. Bullock. But I’m straight.

  11. sexandthesingledad says:

    Ang–nice list. I like some of your selections as well. I find Bottle Caps at Target and sometimes Walmart.

  12. Okay, my list… 🙂
    Stana Katic (“Castle” or just Google “For Lovers Only”)
    Penelope Cruz
    Teri Hatcher
    Tamara Taylor (Bones)
    Sandra Bullock
    Jewel Staite
    Angie Harmon
    Sasha Alexander
    Agree with Marisa Tomei and Tina Fey too.

    And by the way, where do you find bottle caps??!!! Love those things.

  13. Liz Fair is hot, but she isn’t the lead singer of veruca salt. Great list btw!

  14. PapayaMom says:

    The “if I were a lesbian” point is a bit moot since you, as a straight male, are actually attracted to women – these women perhaps? So what we’ve got is a list of women you think are hot and in some imaginary body you’d be able to score with? Why not just imagine scoring as you?

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