Why Do We Demonize Men Who Are Honest About Their Sexual Desires?

Sponsored Content

Premium Membership, The Good Men Project

About Clarisse Thorn

Clarisse Thorn is a feminist sex writer who has given workshops all over the USA. She wrote a book about masculinity, dating dynamics, and sex theory called Confessions of a Pickup Artist Chaser; she’s also got a best-of collection called The S&M Feminist. Recently, she released an anthology about sexual assault in virtual worlds called Violation: Rape In Gaming. Clarisse has also explored fiction with short stories like The End Of An Age: A Ramayana. To stay up-to-date with Clarisse’s work, visit her blog or follow her on Twitter.

Comments

  1. Steve Steveson says:

    Yes, there are creepy men, but this completely ignores the fact that there are creepy women. The Slut/Stud thing completely ignores much too.

    Take, for example, Sex and the City (and many romance novels and “chick flicks”). Women who are sexually aggressive in a way that would get men branded “creepy”.

    These words, when used in broad generalizations at least, are useless and nothing more than a way for people to beet there own drum. The Slut/Stud ignores creepy men and sexually aggressive women completely.

    To be honest, the use of the word slut is often miss quoted in this context. It is, in my experience, not used to describe women who have sex with lots of people, or who enjoy and are open about sex, but to describe people (both men and women) who are indiscriminating. For example people who will get drunk on a regular basis, sleep with someone, regret it the next day and move on. Not to describe people who have a strong idea of what they want and enjoy sex openly and freely.

    • If that was the way the word was universally applied, I don’t think people would have a problem with it. I agree though that I would wish that was the way the word was used, and would feel comfortable using it in that way; especially if it applied to men and women equally.

  2. Will Best says:

    “The only way for a guy to guarantee that he won’t be called ‘creepy’ is to suppress entirely his sexuality, just like a woman can escape being called a slut by suppressing hers”

    Actually that isn’t true, because asexual men are also considered “creepy”, though typically when you show no sexual desire in a woman she calls you some form of homosexual.

  3. why “white” …………..

    • It’s not clear what you’re referring to there, Jane.

      Do you mean this line: “even vanilla, consensual, heterosexual, private sex between cute, white, married adults is hard for some folks to acknowledge.”? If so the point is, even when it involves the most privileged group towards which there is the least discrimination, sex causes discomfort amongst some people. Hence “white” in that sentence. Or are you referring to something else?

  4. This puts up very succinctly what most men go through. This is real dialogue that acknowledges the fact that no one particular part of society can have its problems solved without a dusting done of the entire society. Thank you for this article. This is what I have been expecting from the GMP for long and finally it is here. Thank you once again.

  5. There is an enemy of both men and women here that needs to be fought tooth and nail, but it’s kind of hard to because it spits on our cupcake and tells us it is feminism: Rape fear pandering

    I mean the idea that female sexuality is a long string of painful and horrible experience, from the time daddy “took our innocence” at four (according to many a tell-all book, all porn stars or even somewhat sexual women would be virtuous flowers, but an abuse “unhinged” them), to the moment our (fantasized) tamper seal, I mean, hymen is broken, bleeds and hurts (or so we’re told), to the moment we send a sext message to the wrong person, to the moment we give a blow job to the wrong person, to the moment someone slipped roofies in our drinks and, you guessed, it, raped us.

    While those horrible things do happen, there is a difference between prevention and the shameless exploitation of people’s fears that we see now. Some feminists tell us to see evil men, exploitation, domination everywhere and we see what we are scared into seeing. We are scared to death of being cat-called, seeing that as a bullet proof example that every penis in the World wants us not only barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen, but dead and burried in his backyard. While cat-calling is certainly stupid, even smart people have brain farts sometimes, especially when they are nervous. And even the genuine assholes are there are not all Robert Pickton, just assholes.

    While the effects this has on men are certainly bad, I like the irony of the effects it has on women. It is all done in the name of our protection (or revenge?) but what does it turn us into? You summed it up pretty well in the beginning of your article, just the way I felt for a long time : «  If I walk home after dark, I can’t help fearing assault—so much so that if a man or group of men come near me on the street, I feel my heart lodge firmly in my throat until they pass. »

    In a word, we live in fear of the boogeyman, all the time, everywhere. That’s no fun, that’s not healthy. In fact, I think it is even worse than assault itself.

    Maybe 10%, 20% or 150%, or whatever statistic they’re guessing right now are being raped, but that pathological, irrational fear is pushed on all women. It may be done in the name of our protection, but I consider it a form of violence in itself.

  6. You see everything is relative…….. e.g. person A respectfully broaches the idea to person B that they could have a mutually rewarding intimate experience. Sounds great right? It all depends on the relative experience level of A and B. If B is in a bonnet and crinolines and has never heard such a thing she will say “What a creep” to things that others would think are innocuous.

Trackbacks

  1. [...] sexuality and creepiness (which kicked up quite a stir, and has been cross-posted to both the Good Men Project and [...]

  2. [...] What’s fascinating to us is how sexuality is changing in the Facebook age—social mores, gender roles, issues of responsibility—and how beneficial it is to take these issues to an open forum and open [...]

  3. [...] Why Do We Demonize Men Who Are Honest About Their Sexual Needs? On the double bind that men are put in when society pressures them to initiate sexual relationships, yet punishes them when they are candid about their desires. [...]

  4. [...] not have mastered the nuances of social interactions, his “healthy” attitude toward sexuality may get him into trouble.  Andrew’s sex-negative attitudes, on the other hand, may serve to protect him from being viewed [...]

  5. [...] unique insights into men, especially around the issue of sexuality: “Inside a Strip Club” or “Why do We Demonize Men who are Honest about their Sexual Needs?” beautifully crafted writing: “Ouch” and “The Night is Full of Bicycles” or articles that [...]

  6. [...] men experience as initiators. I’ve already written about some of the romantic and sexual double binds men deal with as part of a previous AlterNet article. One of the points I made is that usually, when men [...]

  7. [...] Why Do We Demonize Men Who Are Honest About Their Sexual Needs? [...]

  8. Quora says:

    Why are their so many sex toys for women, but none for men?…

    My guess is that its because men are less likely to buy sex toys. And there are a few reasons that I’d say men are less likely to buy sex toys. First, it’s relatively easy for men to get off. Most guys that I know are perfectly satisfied with their h…

  9. [...] Why Do We Demonize Men Who Are Honest About Their Sexual Needs? [...]

  10. [...] Why Do We Demonize Men Who Are Honest About Their Sexual Needs? [...]

  11. [...] 2011 2 Jan Tweet The article below was originally published on October 1, 2010 by AlterNet; the AlterNet editors titled it “Why Do We Demonize Men Who Are Honest About Their Sexual Needs?” I have no idea how many people linked to it, but it caused enough of a stir that I got hate mail from a man on the very same day it appeared, and also some of my sister feminist bloggers became upset. Maybe drawing fire from both sides of the divide indicates that I did something right? The article was also cross-posted at Jezebel and at the Good Men Project. [...]

  12. [...] Thorn argues that we demonize men who are honest about their sexual [...]

  13. [...] Why Do We Demonize Men Who Are Honest About Their Sexual Needs by Clarisse Thorne [...]

  14. [...] century, but as with anything good there has been bad that hitched right along.  In our case, male sexuality has taken a backseat(here) academic dishonesty has run rampant(such as the idea that males overwhelmingly commit domestic [...]

Speak Your Mind